I hate writing this down because it's just so...FAT...but lately I have been feeling, well, fatter. There is no doubt about it, I have definitely gained some weight recently, though I am too scared to get on the scale to find out how much. I can tell not only from how my clothes are fitting, but because I can actually feel the fatness.
Like I can touch a place that wasn't there before. A new fold, a new stretchmark, a new curve. And I can't stand it. To me there are different levels of fat. I can't quantify these levels, but when I see other fat people, I know where they fall on my internal level of fatness scale. And I have recently gone up a level (or two). I used to be on the upper range of acceptably really fat, and now I am no longer anything that can be considered acceptable.
I sort of just want to hide from the world.
I don't want to go out with my friends tomorrow night. I don't want to fly home and see people I haven't seen in a really long time. I don't want to meet this cute boy who I have been talking to and who wants to take me on a date. I don't want to do anything.
But I think I may have to do something about it really soon. Because I hate the feeling of getting fatter.
Does anyone else relate to the feeling of moving up a level in the range of fatness?
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I so know what your talking about. I pretty much isolated myself for years as I got fatter and fatter. I never went anywhere unless I had to and would try to avoid people I knew if I saw them in the store. I live in fear everyday that I will gain my weight back....get up and move move move. Try joining the Y. I don't have the discipline to exercise by myself and it was a horrible experience to try to workout in front of others but the embarrassment has been well worth it. Thank God everyone (even the atheletes) were so supportive! When I left the Y the first time one of the most fit men I have ever seen in my life said "Good Job" to me. I said "yeah right" and he just patted me on the back and said "see you tomorrow then".
Soooooo know what you mean. There is nothing worse than all of a sudden noticing that your stomach is bigger, or that your jeans are too tight. I have always been a little chubby, but I distinctly remember when I crossed the threshold from carrying a little extra weight to being a fat girl. It was no fun, and I think the most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it. True, we are not where we want to be today, but tommorrow is a new day, and everything starts with taking the first step. Good luck. I really enjoy reading your story.
Yes! Its the clothes not fitting thing- it makes me scared to wear any other than a certain range of clothes in the morning, I dread putting them on and finding I can't do them up or that theyre too tight. And having rolls where there were less rolls, and more thigh chub... its not fun. I try and do things to perk myself up, like go and excercise. The realisation that I really had gone up a fatness level was when I went shopping with my Mum and she said "what size are you now then" and kept suggesting I buy a size bigger... also, she keeps saying "are those jeans a bit tight? Maybe we should buy you some new ones." Or "why do you only wear those clothes nowadays?". Just to reference, my Mum is in no way one of those bitchy mums that want their daughters to diet to desolation, she just wants me to be happy with who I am and her comments are not directed to make me feel bad about myself... which in a way makes it even worse, its a gentle hint that I've moved up a fatness level- the fact that fatness is an issue thats skirted around makes it ten times worse, like its some kind of horrendous social taboo to vile to mention. Various euphemisms are used; "tall" "broad" "quite stocky" "wev'e all got broad shoulders in this family, maybe you should go up a size....".
I am with you--I see other fat people and I think, do I look like that? I see extremely heavy people, I mentally calculate their weight and compare to what ungodly number I inhabit, and then wonder if I look like that. Do you find that when you look in the mirror, you just look like you--not fatter or skinnier, unless there is some article of clothing that reveals the truth...in my mind, I am the way I was when I got married, which is 70 pounds ago. Am I mental? Is it the most colossal denial in the world? What do you all think?
Ok, I'm the anonymous above, I am too pedantic about grammar- I realise comparative too is not spelt to. In the heat of the moment, my digits got carried away- I'll never make such a heinous error again.
Yes, I can relate. Even though I've practiced self-acceptance for almost half my life, it's been hard going losing some of the self-loathing baggage I accumulated during the first half. Each time I've gained a significant amount of weight, (like when I was ill for a long time), there's been a period of readjustment so I could learn to love this older, heavier incarnation of me too. That's not always easy to do in a world which works hard to instill and compound feelings of negativity around fat - and, indeed, age – but, for me, it's been worth it.
If, like I have done, you look at old photographs and find yourself thinking how much more gorgeous you looked back then, I bet you'll also find yourself remembering how fat and awful you felt at the time. Well, the way I look at it is, in 10 years time you could well be doing the exact same thing about a picture taken of you today - so you might as well make the most of who you are now.
If you're feeling physically yucky try a weekly swim, a yoga or belly dancing class, (let me tell you, us bodacious broads were born to dance this way), or you could just crank up the CD player at home, close the curtains and shake that arse; a short walk in your lunch break; a conscious attempt to up the fresh fruit and veggie quotient in your diet, (if you feel they're lacking); an aromatherapy massage. This isn't about denial at all - it's simply about being good to your body and learning to enjoy it more.
Again, If you're feeling mentally yucky, I can only tell you what worked for me. Lose the frigging scales! If stepping on them is going to make you feel like crap about yourself, they're superfluous to requirements. Likewise clothes that don't fit, however cute they are. I let one skirt tyranise me for years - it was snug enough when I bought it and I bought it when I was poorly, heartsick and had lost weight as a result. Of course it wasn't going to fit me once I bounced back but I clung onto it for grim death, judging myself virtuous on the days I could squeeze into it and damned on the days I couldn't. I can't tell you how liberating it was getting shot of it. And yes, it was really cute. But I have other, equally cute, skirts now - that fit. Buy yourself some clothes you feel gorgeous in. Try on some shapes and styles you've never tried before. Find a look that works and colours that flatter and sing. Then go out and have a great time with your friends, wow the boy who wants to take you out and show your old loved ones just how hard you can rock.
I moved up a level from chubby to fat once. Never again. Nip this in the bud and start exercising every day and controlling your calorie intake. There is no need to be miserable.
Yes I know what you mean when I returned to work after having my son I weighed 221. I promised myself that day that I would never feel as digusted and ashamed as I felt that day. I will never weigh that much again.
I feel that way once every month just before my period. I get so bloated. Then after my period I go back to being just my regular fat self. I also try to avoid mirrors or getting my picture taken because then I will SEE how fat I really am and be depressed for weeks.
Yeah I definitely hit that spot about...oh my god 4 years ago. (Where did the time go?) It was junior year of college, and I had steadily gained weight since my junior year of HS. One morning I still remember crystal clearly--it was fall and I was jutting on a pair of my favorite jeans and a cute orange sweater I had bought the year before. I looked at myself in the mirror after dressing to make sure everything was in place and just burst into tears. I knew that I had been getting bigger, but it was this rather form fitting sweater and favorite pair of jeans that showed me I was no longer just chubby, or a little fat. I was really fat. I had two distinct rolls which the jeans accentuated by cutting off my middle. The cable knit sweater, which on a smaller girl would have looked fun, fall and chic, made my look like a horrendously lumpy pumpkin. The most frightening realization came when I was crying though. As my body relaxed into tears my stomach all of a sudden looked bigger. That's when I realized that I was unconsciously sucking in my stomach ALL the time.
Up until that point I had pretty much ignored the fact that I was gaining weight. But I couldn't after that.
Oh yea,
I remember feeling that way. Not wanting to go anywhere, 'cause someone I know might see me (and see how fat I am). I hid out, making myself more miserable. LOL, I haven't taken a full body pic in years, ick. Even from the neck up, I hate pics. Now that I am at a lower level of fat, if I get to feeling that way, I go for a workout. At least I feel as though I am doing something to help (even though it is not the whole answer), and the endorphins reduce my stress. Therefore, I am less likely to pig out on something really bad for me. Kinda slows that downward spiral. Tons of hugs hon, Paula
Oooh, yeah. When I first discovered the book 'Overcoming Overeating", I was reading about it online. Too cheap to buy the book (and too embarassed to get it from the library), I just went with the ideas I'd gleaned from skimming various boards and essays. HUGE mistake - I radically misinterpreted some of their ideas, and ended up gaining ~30 lbs.
This was a few months before my wedding, sop there were lots of opportunities to realize, again and again, that I'd gotten bigger. (fun! Lots of pictures in a new body I'm unaccustomed to seeing! Whee!)
I've since sucked it up and purchased the book, which has a lot of good ideas in it. I've ignored some of them, and have lost 15-20 lbs of the original 30lb gain, but I'm still about half a notch above what I consider to be my "real" fatness level. (Which is still Lane-Bryant big, but it's a big that I can much more readily accept.)
I totally sympathize. The sad thing is now I look back at the first time that I thought I had moved to a new, unacceptable level of fatness -- and I would kill to be that weight now. My old really friggin' fat is now my new thin.
LOL, obesio, I agree. I was looking at critter's post above and thinking, "If I magically weighed 221 tomorrow, I'd wear a bikini to work!" :-) I think I weighed 221 the FIRST time I joined Weight Watchers.
OMG, I looked in the mirror this morning , smiled and shook my head in horror, was I getting a double chin?
When I first lost a bunch of weight, I relished in discovering new bits of my body - feeling a rib, discovering my collarbone, etc...But now I've put on like 10 pounds and I'm doing it the other way around. Ie: the double chin, is there a new roll in my belly, etc...It's totally freaking me out.
But it's Rosh, go home, see friends, eat and be merry and stop obsessing for the weekend. I know easier said than done, esp in the shul setting, but we have such good food this weekend, enjoy!
But please tell us more about the cute boy you've been talking to. I want details. Is he Jewish?
I'm there right now, and it really pisses me off because I've been working out like a stevedore. I'm pretty sure I know what caused it, too; one additional apple croissant in the morning (see "working out like a stevedore," which actually translates to 15 miles on the bike, 10 hard minutes on an eeeeevil rowing machine, and 40 minutes of limb-shaking stretching per day). It's an interesting physics problem: one damned additional croissant a day will cause me to gain weight, but I bet cutting it out won't actually let me lose the weight. And I don't want to cut the croissant out. I'm up by 4:00 a.m.; by 9:00 a.m., after working out, I am really ready to eat.
Oh yes!
When I hit bottom and gave up losing weight my favorite quote was "you're never as fat as you can be."
Even though you are the fattest you've ever been, you can be fatter.
Lovely thought, isn't it?
Two thumbs up for WLS and the DS. I love being thin.
Please don't take this as some kind of insult, but I really think you should try therapy. If you're eating or binging in private and don't want to go out in public, that's (obviously, as you know) problematic.
I'm saying this as both a psych MA and as someone who's been in therapy for a long time for numerous issues, including a lot of eating issues.
And L'shanah tova!
Feel better...
m, the only people I detest as much as lawyers are psychologists/therapists. If every screwed up person over the last few centuries had gone in for therapy and gotten better, we'd probably be back a hundred years in literature, even more in modern physics, and mathematicians probably wouldn't have figured out calculus yet.
Here's to the screwed up people out there!
I keep reaching down to tug the wrinkles out of my shirt because they're making me look fat, then realizing that the wrinkles are actually folds of belly. So yeah, I know what you mean. And I know it sucks. But I bet the cute boy still wants to meet you and will still like taking you on a date.
Anonymous at 11:41:
I hate to side track the comments this much, but what about all of the people who have killed themselves or others because of mental illness? For all of the severely mentally ill people who have made contributions to their fields, how many more parents, siblings, spouses, children, and friends have people lost? Or the people who wind up living off disability because they're too psychologically ill to leave their homes? Or the number of people who are homeless because of mental illness and are incapable of obtaining jobs and housing?
How many regular people does it take to equal the worth of one Albert Einstein? Or one Sylvia Plath? What is the exchange rate for the values of our lives?
Every once in awhile I'll get a new roll or stretch mark - without gaining weight! It's like just shifts or loosens or maybe lost the battle with gravity.It always feels unfair - like my reward for having a stable weight should be no new "fatty" marks.
Oh, I can so relate! Despite working out in a sadistically hard martial arts gym several times a week, I have actually gained (here goes...) 33 pounds (I've finally admitted it) over the last year. How can this happen?! OK, actually I know exactly how it happened. It has to do with junk food, especially Ben & Jerry's, and with not being able to face an evening alone unless I'm bringing home something really good to eat so I won't have to feel lonely and contemplate what a loser I am.
Even though I know I'm doing it to myself, it still really sucks, though. For instance, I smoothed the outside of my jacket yesterday and wondered what was in my pocket, and then realized to my horror that it was ME! I have extra stuff where I didn't used to have so much of it!! I too want to hide from the world. Too fat to go anywhere, to be seen in public.
OK, I'm going for a big walk, if I can find anything to wear. Bye!
Man, I don't even know where to start with this.
It's not so much moving up a level as moving back and forth through the levels. I have so many sizes of clothes in my closet that stylish organizers don't want to work with me; I guess they've been a size 0 too long to understand.
I also hate shopping so much that I go quite infrequently. As a result, I received a horrific confirmation of a sneaking suspicion that even my favorite "designers", the ones in which I thought knew for sure what size(s) fit me, have actually confused the issue further by vanity sizing. I HATE VANITY SIZING!!!! IT SCREWS TOTALLY WITH YOUR SENSE OF REALITY.
/rant one
I think Eileen Fisher, elastic waistbands, and stretch fabrics are really the way to go.
Designerize the accessories (Marc Jacobs shoes; etc. Check www.toofatforfashion.com -- that girl has some amazing stuff on her site.)
That way you don't end up being refused for prescription sedatives.
(It didn't happen to me, but it did happen to another girlfriend of mine who also hates shopping ... she is skinny, though, so she just found another doctor who thought she was cute enough that he prescribed when she asked really nicely. WE ARE ALL LOSING OUR MINDS OVER CLOTHES! Really, it's the apocalypse.)
/rant two
m, nothing against you, I just hate the profession. All of you seem to value quantity over quality. Yeah, a lot of people kill themselves. It's tough, deal with it. I'd rather have one Godel than a hundred whiny emo kids who grow up into whiny yuppies who feel their lives just don't feel right.
I don't think this is THAT far off the subject. You and your ilk want us all to have homogenized vanilla one-size-fits-all psyches, to match the homogenized bodies that everyone else wants us to have. Yesterday it was insulin shock therapy (you might be too young to remember that fiasco), today it's Ritalin.
Ok, I'm promising that this is my last comment on this entry!
I've never come accross a psychologist/other mental health worker in person or in the literature who was in favor of "homogenized vanilla one-size-fits-all psyches, to match the homogenized bodies" Maybe you have come accross them, and if that is the case that's unfortunate.
There have been "therapies" that didn't work or were harmful over the years, but that happens in all fields, not just psychiatry. (Interestingly enough, to me at least, I've never encountered a person who was against the use of general anesthetics in major surgeries just because earlier substances used were dangerous. Or people against treating diabetes or cancer just because X number of years ago they were untreatable.)
If you personally are against therapy, that's your prerogative. Maybe you'll have a time in your life when you or someone you love will need treatment, maybe you'll be lucky and not have that happen.
But if you can find the positive of people not wanting to be seen in public because they feel that badly about themselves, I'm very impressed.
I have been keeping a Fat Diary for years. It is filled with comments like "Today is a new high." "Today I reached an unthinkable weight". It goes on and on. I agree with the writer who said "You can always be fatter."
I bought a serger. I am going to make clothes for myself. I would go shopping but there is nothing to buy that is not ugly and a ripoff.
LShanah Tovah.
I think the worst for me was when I was coming out of a serious eating disorder. I was really thin, but I still thought I was really fat. It caused me to starve myself. When I got therapy, I started gaining a lot of weight. It didn't change the fact that I was trying to get better, but my metabolism was shot from starving myself, and every calorie I ate clung to me for dear life.
I totally feel for you. It sucks to gain weight.
Take care,
Jennie
"You and your ilk want us all to have homogenized vanilla one-size-fits-all psyches, to match the homogenized bodies that everyone else wants us to have"
Sounds like you've had a really bad experience with someone who is a therapist or a friend who has gone to a therapist... but I just wanted to butt in and say that a good therapist DOES NOT fit the perception you have of the profession.
Oh, and I totally relate to your entry.
k.c. and m, I have never been to a therapist and really don't have any emotional basis for my opinion. I hate modern western psychology because it's a science still in its infancy. Other cultures have already explored far superior (and less toxic) cures for a myriad of perceived mental problems. Meanwhile, the US has a generation of kids doped up on Ritalin because their elders are too lazy to teach them how to convert their weaknesses into strengths.
It's hard for me to cogently articulate my attitude towards modern psychiatry. If you ever get the chance, read "The Psychologist Who Wouldn't Do Awful Things to Rats". It best illustrates the hackneyed attempts of the current batch of scholars who claim they have all the answers.
Hey, according to conventional wisdom, my body is screwed up beyond all redemption. Why not have a mind to match?
I agree that we should drop this as it is straying from the main topic. All in all, a good discussion..
You stold this right from my head. The last few weeks I have felt the same way. Today I wanted to cry and I really wish I could just DO SOMETHING!!!!!
Have you thought about hiring a personal trainer?
I don't mean, like, some annoying douchebag they give you for free at gym. I mean going on the website of the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM), or ACE's site, and getting a real trainer for 3-4 times a week for six weeks? Maybe a woman who is experienced with weight loss training?
I know people who've done it and it changed their life completely.
Oh, I am so feeling you. I hit a new high back in January - 254. I'd never been that heavy in my life. I didn't know what I weighed, I was just sitting at my desk working and I could feel the rolls on my stomach, and it was disgusting. I'd never been able to really feel them sitting there before. I got on the scale and was freakin horrified. I got out the video camera and watched the Christmas video and was just - more horrified. Who WAS that person? And walking around feeling things wobbling and moving after I'd stopped moving - I just didn't want to be that unhealthy.
I just couldn't take the feeling of my body expanding around me. I felt like it was smothering me. Horrible, horrible feeling.
Anyway, I'm down 60 pounds now - took phentermine for four months and that gave me an aweseome jump start - I needed dramatic results at first in order to stick with it. Now I'm off it and am just slowly losing the rest of it. Let us pray. So I feel like I'm back in a more familiar body, even though I know it's probably still disgusting to a lot of people, it feels so much better to me.
I never know how to respond to posts saying these things, except that they make me cry. Like addiction, it's so incredibly painful to be strikingly heavy that one would think the sufferer would do anything to change it...and yet that can be so remarkably painful too, a pain about which our inability to change it speaks volumes. People who say, "okay, you hurt so much, do something, then!"--I hate to be cavalier, but they just don't get it. They don't get how impossible it can feel to do anything about it, how futile it can be, sometimes, when you try, how much someone can need food to compensate for so many other things. There were many years in which I never even felt that losing weight was a possibility; the subtext then, for me (not for everyone, of course), was "this other thing hurts so much that I cannot possibly give up this one source of comfort, and you must be insane to even suggest it."
And I'm not sure that state of mind changes in response to any act of will. Those of us who've had it change--did we do it? Or did it just happen? Did some switch flip in our brains that made it possible where, before, it really wasn't? Did our turn come up? These sound like naive questions, but they're real. I've been fortunate enough to lose a respectable amount of weight, and I don't want to downplay the role of work, will, and so on; but before that, it really didn't feel possible. It doesn't feel possible to lose more now, even though I feel as though I want to. On the surface, nothing could be easier: I've done it, I know how to do it, I want to do it, why on earth not do it? And yet something in there just doesn't want to. Something needs the comfort more than the achievement.
Pain to the left, pain to the right, and you're the only bait in town: that's what it can be like. I wish I knew some clear, real answer to all this grief and shame. I wish that these issues weren't congregated around weight in what has to be, surely, an artifical and acculturated way.
--Cat
dolley - Are you serious? Of course eating an apple croissant EVERY SINGLLE DAY will make you gain weight! Look up the calories in those things - plus they're full of sugar, white flour and (I'll bet) trans-fats as well. Even a real stevedore would get fat eating those things!
Do your body a favour and eat something nutritious after your workout.
anonymous @ 6.15 - the frequent posters here don't want to hear your well-intentioned and eminently sensible advice. See, they like to complain about how the unfairly the world treats them because they're fat, but they don't actually want to do anything about it.
Just leave them be, in their own little cyber-world where they have each other - and their politics - to comfort them.
I went from 120 pounds to 180 in three months after a miscarriage, mostly due to comfort eating and no exercise. I kind of felt entitled, if that doesn't sound too weird. But then I went to 250 over the next 20 years and at not much more than five feet tall I could not make myself feel beautiful or fabulous. I stopped seeing family and friends, I used to make excuses not to go out or just no-show at the last minute. On my 40th birthday I just cried and cried because I had wasted so much of my life. And I did at last get to the point where diet and exercise was the answer for me. It took three years, but I got back to 120 and have stayed there for the past three years (and no, I don't have loose skin). I'm not writing this to say How About Me! but just to say that I have been there and although I wouldn't want to gain that weight back, not even if it gave me ten more years of life, and I would actually give ten years to have lost the weight earlier, I am glad if a fat person is happy the way they are and I don't get why thin or formerly-fat people get so mad about other people's size and shape.
Dolley, why don't you try eating half an hour to an hour before you exercise? Something low GI but extremely filling like porridge is perfect - you can even put a little sugar or honey on top.
Well, I don't know about the rest of all you people here, but personally I like being fat!!!
Last year I had lost weight, and I was down to 270 pounds and my waist was down to 52 inches. I'm 55 years old, and my weight had not been down that low since I was in my mid 20s.
I did not feel any better. In fact I was depressed and suffered from anxiety, but since I have allowed my weight to come back up again, I feel much better, more calm and relaxed, and even more contented.
Right now, I'm 5 ft. 6 in. and I'm now at 330 pounds with a 62 inch waist. I normally weigh in at a nice plump scale-busting 350+ pounds. So, I'm allowing myself to get back up to a body weight that is "normal" for me.
Every time I lose weight, I feel like crap, but when the weight comes back on again, I feel much better. When I was down to 270 pounds, my body felt alien to me like it wasn't mine anymore.
But now that is been coming back up, I feel like myself again. It feels like I'm coming home where I belong, so for me, being thin is not the key to happiness.
I love being fat! I enjoy walking into a room full of people and being the heaviest one there.
Since I don't have my own transportation, I use the city bus to get around, and when I sit down, I take up two seats, and I love it!!!
Being an extra extra large person makes me feel more secure, and people are often intimidated by my presence because of the size of my big round body, and my short chunky limbs. I'm built like a fat Teddy Bear.
But There is no need for people to feel intimidated by my size, because I'm not at all agressive. In fact, I'm as gentle and docile as a fat little lamb, and with increasing obesity, I've become even more docile and non-agressive, more peacful and calm.
When I climb aboard the bus, I always say good morning to the bus driver, and when I sit down on my two seats, I smile at people and strike up a friendly conversation, and that puts people at ease.
Also, I may be massively obese, but I'm not a slob. I'm always neatly dressed when I go out in public, and my voice is gentle and soft spoken, and I'm somewhat timid myself.
When my weight was down last year, I was somewhat more agressive, and unhappy. But now that my weight is back up, I feel more at peace with myself, and the world around me.
So, for me, being nice and plump is a good thing. Obesity sometimes has a way of taking away one's aggression, and slowing me down, and making me feel more relaxed.
In the past (before the event of our modern thin obsessed society where fat people are generally look down upon) fat people were once looked up to and admired.
In the past, large people were naturally more happy and contented, their larg size giving them a feeling of comfort and security. Back then, being fat was more socially acceptable than it is today.
But today, being fat is considered undesirable, and we are constantly being told that "thin is in" and that we must all strive to be more slender, as if the human body must conform to a rigid set of specifications, like some kind of precision peace of macheanery.
Well boy and girls! I'm not buying into that anymore. For me, nature has other plans.
I'm not a precision built machine. I'm a human being, a living creature, made of flesh and blood, bone and muscle, and mostly fat, and I don't hold my shape rigidly. I tend to really spread out when I sit down because I'm so soft, flabby, and kind of weak.
As for health issues, well, most of my relatives were obese, and most of them lived into their 80s, and there is no family history of heat disease. Only obesity. Also, most of them never made any attempt to lose weight.
And so, if I'm careful what I eat, even though I'm not able to control how much, and if I get a moderate amount of exercise, then I will be just fine! Thank you!
I don't believe that one has to be reed-thin to live a long and healthy life.
People who are naturally happy and contented will live longer reguardless if they're thin or fat.
We are all God's children, and we fat people are God's babies! :)
Um, am I the only one who thinks that fat man/fat boy is TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE?*
Seriously. His posts here and on Big Fat Blog are some of the creepiest things I've ever read. He seems to get off on repeating over and over how "soft, flabby and weak" he is. I dunno, just reading his posts makes me want to take a shower. Blech.
*or a troll
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