Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Pumped to the Gorge

I love a good trash magazine. My mother actually gets Star and The Enquirer because someone gave it to her as a present, so I get to read those when she's done. Anyone who has ever read these magazines knows they love to dish about celebrities bodies. Who is winning the war on fat? Who is losing? Their diet secrets. Their diet woes. I loves it. But, what I don't love are most of the celebrity bodies that are plastered all over these rag mags. They're, to put it mildly, sticks. I hate sticks. I hate no hips. I hate no bust. I hate tooth pick legs. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Which leads me to this: I actually like my body shape. If I dropped a quick 100 lbs, I'd have a really awesome body shape. Right now, I still have an awesome body's just pumped to the gorge. If I were thin, I'd still have curves, I'd have really nice legs and hopefully, my boobs would stay as plump as they are. And thinking about that led me to be grateful about my body, because as I see everyday, I could have a body I wasn't so thrilled with, with all the extra fat layered on top.

We all know women have different body types: Pear shaped, Apple Bottom, Upside Down Triangle, etc. The possibilities are endless. It's quite interesting if you look closely. Women with stick legs and huge bellies. Women with small tops and large bottoms. Huge thighs and skinny calves. It makes me wonder.

What type of fat are you? Skinny fat? Fat fat? Pear Fat? Perfect fat? Triangle Fat? Would you rather have a huge ass and a small waist? Trade in good legs for arms you could actually wear a tank top with? Do share!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I Got Love in My Tummy

The thing I miss miss most since opting to cut off my cable is my access to The Food Network. I love the Food Network. It's so loyal and reliable. Sort of like a golden retriever. Only yummier.

And I guess that's really fat of me. But I have noticed that there is a direct correlation between how much I eat and how much Food Network I watch. During my last attempt at Weigh Watchers I could not stop watching the channel. I watched any and all shows even the ones I hate like Emeril. I think I may have even watched shows hosted by Sandra Lee and Giada De Laurentiis, two women I normally avoid with a passion! But while dieting I will watch anything to do with food. It's like I am simultaneously torturing and satisfying myself. When I stopped going to my WW meeting I didn't watch the Food Network for a month. I think I OD'd.

Normally I prefer the educational and travel shows to the actual cooking shows. Some of my favorites are A Cooks Tour, $40 A Day, and Good Eats. Sadly, A Cooks Tour is only on like once a week. And I used to hate Good Eats and refuse to watch it, but I have since seen the error of my ways. And $40 A Day is the only Rachael Ray show I can stand to watch. Probably because it's the only one in which she doesn't actually cook on. I know she is America's newest sweetheart and Oprah loves her cooking, but I once watched the woman cook something called a Mug Topper which is one of the most unappetizing thing I have even seen . It was basically spam mashed up with yellow mustard on an english muffin and floated on some soup. Maybe it's that I grew up in a ham free home, or maybe you just had to see how it turned out, but it was pure grossness. Emily and I use the term "mug topper" to refer to anyone we don't like or sometimes as an alternative to muffin top.

But I also have much love for my surrogate godmother and fake grandma Ina Garten and Paula Dean. These two women seem so inviting. Ina is really warm and cuddly and she seems like she has the most comfortable life. She lives in a pretty home in the Hamptons and has an awesome garden and has a line of credit in every store she goes into so it seems like she gets all of her ingredients for free. Personally I find her marriage to Jeffrey suspect, but Emily swears they are still in love. Emily has said, in a morbid fashion, that if she ever had a terminal illness and the Make a Wish Foundation asked what she wanted as her last, dying wish, she'd take a weekend with Ina. And Paula Dean seems like she would really usher you into her home and offer you butter muffins and a side of butter sprinkled with love and maybe some hot butter in a mug to drink by the fire. I am not even into that type of heavy southern food, but I love her all the same.

My favorite part about the Food Network is that they have programming that runs until 5 am which is a godsend for an insomniac like myself. The shows they play at that hour are pretty random and I miss some of he old ones that are out of rotation like Mings Quest.

I used to change the channel sometimes when my old flatmates came into my room, like they would suddenly realize I was fat if they saw me watching a cooking show. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way about the Food Network or if it's just indicative of my dysfunctional relationship with food.

And now for a rundown:

The Secret Life a show that I should like more. I enjoy your premise, why are you such an over-actor? It's really had to watch you sometimes. You are like an adult with ADHD who is also pretending to be straight all while you fake orgasms over BBQ. And now you're on those Internet commercials. (C+)

Oh Sandra Lee. My favorite part about you is how you co-ordinate your wardrobe for the day with the colours in your kitchen. You change all your kitchen accessories to match your nails, headband and tight shirt. Oh, and you have great tits. But you always make the same drink and the same dessert? (C)
I love you Paula!!! Sometimes when I have a cold I wish I could call you up and have you take care of me with some chicken soup and southern charm. I bet you would do that for me! (A+)
You should be a favorite. I have a softspot for chunky red heads. But I am just not into Italian. (B)
Alton, you teach me things everyday! You are totally entertaining and I am sorry I shunned you for so long! You are one of my favorites! (A-)
I wish I had this job. (B+)
I love how you charm the older ladies while you teach them how to make sushi or a proper souffle. I could really use your help. Maybe you could come over some night next week? (B)
Ah, the patriarch. You might have the most notoriety, but shit man, get some new jokes! Sometimes I even like what you make but I have to watch on mute because you are so irritating and full of yourself. Bam! (C+)
So serene. So content. So pampered. Someday Ina, I will be like you. (A)The badboy. You were too surly for this channel, but I love you anyways. There is no way anyone else would eat a still beating snakes heart on television. Unless it was on like Survivor of Fear Factor. I love your new show on the Travel Channel, No Reservations. You are also really hot for an old guy! (A-)

I disagree with almost everything you order with your $40 a day, but I still love this show! Stay out of the kitchen, and I'll watch any city you take me to as we pretend that spending only $40 a day on food is a hard thing to do. (A-)
I love the garbage bowl idea. It's the food I hate. Stick with traveling and giggling. And for gods sake if you are going to abbreviate and say EVOO, why do you always have to say extra virgin olive oil after that? Doesn't that detract from the point of abbreviating?? (C)

Monday, July 17, 2006

Happy Anniversary to us!!!

Well, it's been a whole year since we started to write about our fat lives. A year ago today I was living in a gross apartment in Chinatown sweating my ass off with no air conditioner and a bipolar flatmate who went off her meds. Now I am living in an awesome apartment which I may be giving up soon and I think I am having a quarter life crisis. And Emily ... well, Emily is still living in the lap of luxury in Los Angeles (but she has a new job!). And I am sure we have both gained a few pounds. What a difference a year makes! Thanks to everyone who reads our musings. Now go eat some cake.
"Cake light is like, the best light. We should live in nothing but cake light." - Claire from Six Feet Under

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Poor Princess Jasmine

Many of you know that I recently quit my job in order to take another one at a very prestigious institution. I used to work with 6 other men, ages ranging from early 30s to mid 50s. I got that job because I used to work for the president's wife while I was still in school. She was, to put it mildly, a raging bitch. I've read The Devil Wears Prada...I had stories that rivaled even those. So, when the program that we ran ended, she suggested that I go work for her husband, a spineless yet mostly harmless guy who arguably doesn't deserve to be married to such a psychotic bitch. I'm not being out of line when I say that...she's a self admitted psychotic bitch.

I worked for her husband for 3 years, but I needed more. The money was good and the atmosphere was great, but it didn't challenge me and there was little room to move up. So, I sent a resume to a job I thought I would never get, and actually was offered the position. Three weeks later I left and a new girl, Jasmine (but I like to call her Yasmine), was hired to take my place.

Yasmine was hired because she wanted to actually get into the business my old company does. She thought she could do my job while also learning the trade. She also thought she could wear see-through clothes and tight jeans that would expose her thong. "Everything but the nipples" is what I heard through the grape vine.

I still keep in touch with the boys at the old office, often emailing to see what the gossip is for that week. I also got to meet Yasmine when I went in to train her on one of my many, paid days that I don't have to work. She was nice, if not a little naive about her roll in the office. If anyone knows anything at that office it's this: My old boss may be the CEO and President of the company, but his wife, the PB (psychotic bitch), was the God of it. What she said, went. What she wants, goes. Did I also mention that she thinks her husband is forever going to have an affair? (He never has).

Emails from me to my old co-workers would often joke about the fact that when the PB, who had never met Yasmine, found out what she wore to the office, she would be fired in an instant. The office pool had a three hour termination time after she had met her. We were convinced that even if she just heard about this girl, sparks would fly. We knew she wouldn't last 3 weeks there...and she didn't.

Yesterday I got word that she was, indeed, let go at the request of the PB after many fights heard through my old bosses closed office doors. We all knew it was going to happen, but this poor girl Yasmine never saw it coming. Not only was I offered my old job back, but I was offered a considerable raise. No, I'm not going back.

The whole thing got me thinking though. Am I so safe? Three years ago, did the PB see me as such a non-threat that she placed me in that office knowing that she could rest comfortably knowing her husband wouldn't have an affair with me? I guess so. And, I guess Yasmine was too much of a threat.

I feel bad for Yasmine. She quit a comparably paying job with better benefits to work there and got fired three weeks later for wearing revealing clothes or for making the PB worry that her husband was going to engage in an illicit office affair. I'm not a huge fan of Yasmine's but it does seem like she got fired because she had a nice body and liked to show it off. They could have asked her dress down a bit.

And the worst part is how everyone acknowledges it, and then suggests that I take my old job back. It's basically like, "Emily, can you believe Yasmine got fired for being attractive? We never had to worry about that with you, why don't you come back to us"? I mean, how rude is that? And it's not like I'm ugly...just fat. Plus, to be perfectly honest, PB has no idea how life works if she thinks that the boys in the office didn't want to fuck me just because I am fat. I had more than a few offers and daily innuendos.

It's the only time I can remember that being overweight was actually mildly helpful while poor Princess Jasmine's perfect body got her a pink slip.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I double hot dog dare you...

I have stayed out of this debate because I enjoy hearing different perspectives ... even if most of them are written by cruel stupid misogynists. (Plus you guys have upped our daily readership by 300 people an hour, and I am a site meter whore, so it was fun having you).

However, if you are going to come onto this blog and talk shit: YOU HAVE TO READ OUR POSTS AND GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU BASH US!!!!

This is just fucking inaccurate (and fairly representative of the Tucker Max people's opinions):

Anonymous said... "All the fat people that have been posting are missing the point. The TMMB people are not pissed at you because you are fat. They (at least the majority), as well as myself, are mainly disgusted with the misinformation propagated so wholeheartedly by this website. Everyone deserves respect, fat people included. HOWEVER, it is a very well known and obvious fact that being fact is a health risk (which is why fat people are naturally more unattractive...evolutionary instincts within us all). A fat person that wants to lose weight might instead come to a site like this loaded with feel-goodisms for fatties and links to old/quack studies about losing weight being impossible.IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. To the creators of this site, I dare you this. Since your mainfesto has come under a barrage of attacks (justified ones too -- evidenced because your fat supporters have been the ones resorting to the childish and inane arguments), take on a challenge to prove it. For a month, eat and exercise properly, and see how your "genetics" arguments fall apart. Any trainer (there are some extremely good ones on the TMMB) or decent nutrition website can guide you. Then post your results here for your entire fat community to see. "

Now, if you had bothered to read any of our hundreds of posts you would find that we do not engage in the propagation of misinformation. (I invite you to refute me with something we actually wrote, as opposed to our commenters).

We acknowledge that we would lose weight if we exercised more and ate less. Personally, I think that is true for most fat people. I also think it's true that most people end up gaining the weight back. I don't think we have ever even mentioned genetics.

No. We do not like being fat. And when we motivate ourselves, we will know what to do to lose weight. But if and when I lose weight had nothing to do with you, and you shouldn't feel morally superior to me because you are thin (and statistically, I'm sure a bunch of you are closeted fatties hidden by your computer screen and an avatar of a bodybuilder).

Some people who regularly comment here feel differently, but that's what a comment section is for: leaving your opinion.

The people on Tucker Max may all feel like they have to espouse Tuckerisms to be accepted into his online society, but he most likely thinks many of you are idiots and laughs that he can make money because you subscribe to his blatantly offensive way of life.

So, keep hating fatties if you want. I couldn't care less. But don't misrepresent us or make assumptions because you can't make your point without changing facts around or you couldn't be bothered to read a whole post...that's called lying and even Tucker doesn't like that.

Our love for new readers is broader than our asses

So, it seems like one of our readers decided to post a little diddy about us on a website called Tucker Max. I actually used to read Tucker Max while at work some two years ago...then I sort of grew bored of it and haven't been back since. The thing about him is, he's a self proclaimed asshole. I'm sure he's nice to some girls (like models), but mean to most when provoked. He's the type of guy to only "Do 10's". He hates fat girls...I'm sure you know the type. Most 14 year old's probably think he's a God.

So, this reader of ours "Jessica" put up our website on his message board saying all kinds of lovely about we demand empathy and whatnot and how gross it is that we say the things we say about our fatness. Thanks're a peach. Wish we had 12 just like ya.

So, you can visit the site and see all the things that guys who haven't been laid in years are saying about us horrible fat's utterly amazing.

Do we sound like 35 year old's with moldy boobs and elastic waists hiked over our bellies? Because that's the impression they have of us. We're fucking funny dammit! Have some respect for humor.

I think we should inundate their site with know, because they can't get enough of us. Let's give them some fat coodies.

Viva La Fatties!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Disagree to Agree

The possibility of Lindsey having her innards surgically rearranged to induce weight loss has been a topic of contention between us lately. First Lindsey wrote a post about why she is considering weight loss surgery and how strange it is that only her thin friends support it. Emily then wrote a post about why she is not in favor of WLS. Enjoy and let us know what you think...

Point: By Lindsey

I found something out recently about the people in my life--->only my thin friends and relatives are supportive about the possibility of me having weight loss surgery. To be perfectly blunt I really don't care what anybodies opinion on the matter really is because whether or not I decide to have any form of surgery is such a personal decision that ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. But what I do find interesting are the reactions I have gotten when I broach the topic. They range from the extremes of "I'll stop being your friend" to "That sounds like it could be amazing for you and I'll support anything you decide to do". And for the most part the reactions fall in line with how large the person I am taking to is.

You might think that the more overweight the person is, the more supportive they would be, but the opposite is true. My chubby, fat, obese friends have mostly expressed shock, scorn, and disappointment that I would ever consider "the easy way out". While my thin friends all think it would change my life for the better.

Why is that? It could be jealousy about the possibility of me losing weight while they remain the same. It could be fear that I would somehow change my personality, and consequently our relationship dynamic. It could be that they think I am judging their size because I am choosing to alter mine. Maybe my thin friends couldn't imagine life as a fat person and to them a surgery where there is a 1/200 chance of death seems like a reasonable alternative to being fat.

Emily, the surprise optimist, has threatened to cancel our friendship (editors note from Emily, this is a lie) if I get this surgery because she doesn't think that I have done everything in power to lose weight the natural way. She thinks the reason we are fat is because we have deep seated psychological issues which we should deal with with a shrink, Overeaters Anonymous, and a nutritionist before I even consider surgery. Do I eat too much because my daddy yelled at me? Because Melissa and Stacy were mean to be in 3rd grade? Because I secretly don't think I'm worthy of happiness? Because I'm scared to find out what else is wrong with me under the layers of fat? Maybe so. Personally I think everyone I know should be in a therapists office twice a week, me included, but I am sick of waiting for the "Aha!" moment where the light goes off and I can trace my food issues to a particular moment in September 1986 and from then on I make that ever illusive lifestyle change and suddenly drop 150 lbs. The thing is that Emily and I have been having the "why not just do it" talk for the last 10 years. And yet we never seem to do it. At least not permanently. I am ready to take a radical step for change. I want some results before any more of my 20's fly by be. Emily is still waiting for something, convinced that one day she will figure her shit out. I support her decision entirely, and I don't think she is crazy or wrong. The question is why is she threatening to cut me out of her life if I take a different path?

I think it is because fat people are beaten over the head with the fact that being fat is a character flaw, a sign of weakness, and so to have surgery and lose the weight that way is giving up and admitting that you can't control your own body without outside help, and thus having lost the weight you cannot proclaim to the world that you have honesty conquered your flaw, but instead you gave up and had a surgeon do it for you.

Think what you want, I think that's bullshit. Most people will lose weight with a restrictive diet and exercise. I am no different. I have dieted and exercised away 100 lbs on a few separate occasions. I know I can do it. I also know that I will gain it back. Does that say that I have no will power and am a weak person? Most people would say it does, but I refuse to see fatness as a character flaw because I am a good person, and hell, Hitler was a health nut. But I do need some extra help attaining and maintaining a BMI that this society puts so much emphasis on. And I am not considering surgery simply to look good at the beach, I am considering it because I feel like shit at the weight I am and I don't want to lose the weight only to regain it again.

What I think surgery offers is a fail safe, an internal check and balance system which guarantees that I can't eat too much of the wrong food which in turn will motivate me to exercise. Because I don't think surgery is the easy way out. I think for me it's like a step in AA where I admit that I have a problem, and that I need more than a little bit of help. I am not a naive or stupid person. I don't think that by having surgery all my issues with food or weight will be resolved. I actually think the opposite, that with the surgery my issues with food and weight will come to the surface, forcing me to deal with them or regain the weight. But I would rather me dealing with those issues as a size 12 than at a size 22. Once you've had the surgery you still need to keep a strict diet and exercise. If having a four hour surgery where my internal organs are rearranged is the easy way out, then I say bring it on...

Semi Counter Point: By Emily

Weight Loss Surgery doesn't bother me. I'm not against it, nor would I ever rule it out for myself. But, in this age of microwaves and Internet access, I think people rush into things without exhausting their other options, looking for what works at the speed of light. People have lost all patience. And to me, weight loss is nothing but two things: an understanding and patience.

Results don't happen over night. We need to deal with this fact. Instead, we choose to ignore it and repeat nasty cycles. And then we get frustrated and then we turn to weight loss surgery.
This is the way I see it: Weight loss surgery and dieting are the same thing, that's a given. A restriction of caloric intake and a proper exercise plan will result in weight loss. It's just the way things are. When one chooses to have weight loss surgery, it's easier for them to restrict their diet because they can only take in so much food. It's recommended that they exercise and not surprisingly, the combination of the two cause a person to lose weight. Same happens for old fashioned dieting. Neither is easy. Weight loss surgery isn't an easy way out. Does it make it easier? Yes. Easy way out? No.

This is the thing that always gets me though, the psychology part of it. I feel that no one brings up that fat people all have a common thread...the addiction aspect of food. No one ever seems to bring up the fact that more than not, the reason we're like this is because we have an unhealthy relationship with food. We have an addiction and before we decide to lose this weight and change our lives, we need to understand the root of this evil.

I know that if I had WLS tomorrow I would, at first, have a rapid weight loss. I would feel that I was in a groove and I might, for a while, take better care of myself. I would exercise a bit. I would choose healthier foods and then my weight would level off and I would start my normal diet routine...I would stop trying so hard. And the weight would creep back on and I would return to old habits of not eating at the proper times of day, letting myself get way too hungry, starving myself to only binge later. And I would do this because I skipped Step 1 and moved right onto Step 2.

I also know that if I started a strict diet tomorrow I would, for a couple of months. have a healthy, steady weight loss. I would exercise and eat balanced, well proportioned meals. And then the weight loss would start to level off and I would get frustrated and I would start to revert back to my old habits.

So, what has to happen first? I need to understand my issues with food. I need to understand what triggers me to eat the way I do when I'm not doing so hot. I need to recover from my addiction. Horse in front of the cart people.

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Wheels on the Bus...Better Support Me

I started my new job not two weeks ago and I love it. It's cultural, it's sort of important (to those who need my services), and I've got the best views the city can's also on top of a ginormous hill. And, because of that ginormous hill, almost all employees are made to park their cars at the bottom of this hill, and take a shuttle up to the tippity top. Not so much a big deal...if you're skinny.

The shuttle holds about 20 people, two rows of two seats each. When I get a seat all to myself, it's awesome. What is not so awesome is the look on people's faces when I climb the three steps to get on the shuttle and find that I'm going to have to sit next to someone. I can hear the voices in their heads wishing that the fat girl doesn't sit next to them...and I'm wishing concurrently that I don't have to sit next to them. It's ass hangs into the isle. I try my best not to touch the person as a way of saying, "See...see, it's not so bad..I'm not that big...see!?" But what is really going on is my leg supporting all my weight like a tripod of some sort so I don't knock into the person on a turn driving up or down the curvy road.

And it works in reverse too. If I'm the one sitting there already, I can see the person scanning the shuttle for a space next to the skinniest one has ever chosen to sit next to me...not that I'm complaining.

So, this is my plight. Fat girls and busy shuttles don't mix.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Fat Girl Flea Market!!!

We here at Fatty McB spend a good deal of time complaining and whining about the lack of selection and availability of fat girl clothes. But now, in the spirit of sharing, we present to you the greatest event New York City has to offer in July: The Fat Girl Flea Market. For two days in lower Manhattan fat girls have a chance to buy clothes (both new and used) at very reasonable prices. Sure, we wish this was a permanent thing, and that fat girls had more opportunity to buy clothes year round at a wider range of stores with varying styles and longer shirts, but this is still an awesome idea. And while I have technically never been to the Fat Girl Flea Market, I am fascinated with the idea and I will make the utmost effort to attend this year, as should you all. Next step: Barney's warehouse sale plus size edition! Come one, come all. It's on!