Monday, January 30, 2006

***Warning: I am really fat***

I've been talking with this boy who sounds really good on paper...nice, smart, cute, employed.

What's the problem then? I have this need to sabotage myself. It's like I have this obligation to pre-warn men that I am fat. It sounds so lame and pathetic, but I would rather be let down earlier on, then start seeing someone and learn later that the guy only privately likes fat girls.

I'm supposed to have a drink with him on Thursday, and I have now given him a, "Just so you know, I'm really fat" email, so he can get out of it if he wants to.

Is that what I am supposed to do? Is it sabotage or just self preservation?

And with Valentines Day looming in the distance, I have to say that I would really like this to work out because a date on V day sounds lovely at this point.

Should I stop giving the warning?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Oral Fixation

Last Friday I started to get a horrible toothache where, more than 7 years ago, I had a root canal. By Monday, I was in so much pain that rescheduled the dentist for that day, instead of waiting for Friday.

Like most people, I hate the dentist. So, when my dentist said what I had was technically an emergency and that I was to see a specialist that same day, I was a bit startled. As mentioned before, I'm a hypochondriac, so when a Dr. says it's an emergency, I flip the fuck out. Long story short, I had an infection in my jaw bone and something had to be done ASAP about it. So, two days later, I drove myself to the doctor's office, had my surgery which was nasty and painful, and went home. But, because I'm a little sick in the head, I kept thinking, through a vast amount of pain I must add, about how this is sort of going to be awesome because I wouldn't be able to eat!!! I could lose some weight and maybe that would kick start me into full on diet.

But, that didn't happen. First of all, I keep taking advantage of the fact that I have to eat with my meds or I'll totally get nauseated. And, I found out that not matter what ailment, I can find a way to eat. Even though my mouth only opened a certain amount because of a sore jaw, I could still compact the food into small bites and stuff them into my mouth and chew on the opposite side of the surgery area.

I actually ended up eating more with this ailment than on a normal day. I amaze me.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Super Model RACHEL HUNTER was at the dentist as, that made me feel even fatter...Nothing like sitting next to a super model to make you feel fat!


Thursday, January 19, 2006

Fashion Forward!

I have a new business venture that I would like to start, but of course, I’m not going to, so, I’ll let one of you wonderful readers make millions of dollars while I, Emily, sit and stare.

Placing your napkin on your lap is for skinny girls without boobs and stomachs to block their laps. I’m not a sloppy eater, and I don’t eat in a rushed manner, but I will say this: I drop food on my boobs maybe 4 out of 5 times I eat. My shirts are always stained and well, it’s just embarrassing to stain your shirt at lunch and have to live with that until you get home. I call my boob area my Shelf. And, what I want to become the new fashion, the new hip thing is:

Designer Bibs!

I really think that if Chanel and Gucci made these bibs “cool” then, I could save a lot on new t-shirts.

UPDATE (sort of)!!!! For more proof that this is an awesome idea, I must mention that I just went to the dentist (see story above) and I managed to keep my shelf clean while spitting mass amounts of blood into a sink and into napkins...the second I get home to eat, food, all over my chest region. Go figure.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Golden Globes

I love award shows. And, last night, the Golden Globes aired. It was like heaven. I had my Golden Globes, a chocolate chip muffin, and a diet coke. I was totally ready to watch emaciated starlets make their way down the red carpet. Natalie Portman was skinny, so was Marcia Cross…but you know who wasn’t? Pierce Brosnan’s wife! She totally rocks my world and, if I were a lesbian, she’d be my lesbian fantasy. I always remembered her as a svelte woman, but, she’s really grown into a voluptuous, gorgeous woman. Kudos to her.

So, this is the gossip on her. Her name is Keely and she used to be very thin, but after two kids, she’s filled out and looks awesome. Now, I’m not saying she’s fat, because, lord knows that a size 10 or 12 (which she probably is), isn’t fat in the least, but this is Hollywood. So, she’s “Hollywood Fat” which pisses me off to no limit. I googled her and it seems that Pierce loves her curves, (so, now I love Pierce as well).

They’re my new fantasy couple who, if ever asked, I’d totally be a part of their threesome.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

We're Getting HUGE!

It's true, we're getting all meanings of the phrase. About a month ago we received an email from a lovely lady urging us to try Dannon Light 'n Fit yogurt. I like yogurt as much as any other person, and to be quite honest, my morning oatmeal has become so routine that it's just plain boring now. So, I'm willing to try anything new.

This lovely lady sent me a huge box filled with Dannon Light 'n Fit yogurt this morning. And you know what? It's really good and such a nice break from my morning oatmeal. I know I sound like a pimp, but, I'm just being honest. I like the Strawberry/Banana personally and it's like, 60 calories which I could work off by walking up a flight of stairs...not that I'm going to, but I could.

Another thing this great lady told me about, taxes!!!! Check this out:

H&R Block will kick off the tax season by launching National Tax Advice Day, a nationwide initiative to raise public awareness of the major changes or missed credits that have the greatest impact on taxpayers. H&R Block tax professionals will be hitting the streets across America all week, delivering free advice on how you can deduct the cost of losing weight!

That's right, deduct the cost of losing weight. Now, because I'm a pack rat, I sadly have all my receipts from Weight Watchers...(I know, I'm creepy), but HELLO! I'm not so creepy anymore!

So, this lovely woman is my new best friend, (sorry Lindsey). Thank you lovely lady for my yogurt and for my tax deduction!


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The harsh harsh truth

I got a new digital camera over the holidays, and last night I was compelled to strip down and take naked pictures of myself... It's not good. Not good at all.

If I didn't have other flatmates I would print them and put them on the fridge, but let's face it I order in more then I cook, so that wouldn't do much good anyways.

They are in fact traumatizing. I don't have a full length mirror so I guess I really wasn't prepared. But, in my opinion, pictures are harsher then a mirror, and the pics I took didn't lie. I look terrible naked.

Rolls and puckered skin and stretch marks and more rolls. My breasts looked pretty awesome though, so I'm thankful they take up so much room.

And I really want think that I am not simply giving into the whole worlds fat can't be beautiful attitude. But the fact is that these pictures were not beautiful to me. They repulsed me. I wouldn't want to bed or date or marry someone in this body. And if I have no esteem or appreciation for my own body, then can I really expect someone else to find beauty in it?

This blog is not about weight loss, and I am not about to say that these pictures inspired me to shut my mouth to fattening food and start walking 3 miles a day because that would probably be a lie, but I couldn't make this post funny for you all because there was nothing funny about the pictures. I am 25 years old and my body shouldn't look like it does. There would be tears running down your computer screen right now if this post could convey the way I feel about my body.

And a surprise from an angle I don't normally see ... it turns out that I may also be in possession of the worlds fattest back. Lucky me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Magical Fat

There is a restaurant very close to my home that I frequent. The place has very good food and, believe it or not, is a very healthy eatery. So obviously, it's very trendy and very Los Angeles and if it weren't for the good food and the location, I'd never go there. They have great chicken, great healthy salads*. Basically, it would be very easy to go in there and eat a low caloric, low fat meal.

But, I'm fat and when I go there I somehow manage to order the most fattening thing on the menu (This chicken wrap with mayo, cheese, avocado, dressing and more cheese...and for fun, pasta on the side that's basically in a mayo sauce). I'm still in shock. I still don't know how I do this. I think I have super powers that make everything I eat at least 1,000 calories and about 50 grams of fat more than what it originally was.

*I don't know about you, but I can eat a salad that's over 5,000 calories very easily

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Eye of the Tiger

Lindsey and I had a great time in NY. Well, I did. And, while I was there, Lindsey and I discussed how this year, 2006, was going to be THE year of losing weight. We've said this many times before on previous new years, but this time we REALLY mean it. We'll we really hope we mean it.

So, because I'm so into this weight loss I went online to try to find some sort of exercise equipment. Because, let's be realistic, you can't lose weight without exercise...right?

Now, this is the fucked up part. All of the exercise equipment, that's in my price range that is, has a max weight limit of 200lbs. WEIGHT LOSS EQUIPTMENT NOT MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I'll let you marinate in that for a while.