Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The High Cost of Being Fat

They say the diet business is a gajilllion dollar industry, but they never mention that the eating industry probably makes a lot more money.

I don't know how much I spend on food a week, but come next Monday, (everything I start has to start on Monday), I will be recording how much I spend on food down to the $1.50 I spend on diet coke from a random vending machine. I've always known I spend more than the average bear on food. I don't really cook and everything I buy is take-out. Thus, the only house I will ever be able to afford is one made of gingerbread...and then I'll eat it.

My work environment doesn't help my situation. We order in lunch every single day. And, when you work for men who make hundreds of thousands of dollars each year, it's literally hard keeping up with the Jones', especially with the choices of restaurants that deliver to our office suite. Our choices include, but are not limited to: Cheesecake Factory, PF Chang's, Sisely, El Torito, Macaroni Grill and so on. Thus, each meal averages to be around 10 dollars plus tax and tip, which is basically $13-15 a meal. Not a lot to people who can afford it, but a mass amount to a struggling student like me. Let's do the math:

$13 x 5 = $65 for the week, excluding dinner.

Geez, that's a whole lot of money. That's basically $260 a month. I don't pay that much for my car. AND I'M NOT INCLUDING DINNER!

Yesterday, I went on a little something therapists and fat people like to call, a binge. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't right, but it sure tasted good. It basically came down to the fact that I was preparing myself for a diet and when I do so, I order basically what could be considered, The Last Supper. But, yesterday, I couldn't make a decision, so, I ordered both things, from two different restaurants...not one of my proudest moments. And, my dinner came to be almost a total of $40. FOR ONE MEAL. Well, two meals, but crammed into one.

Easily assumed, I think I spend around $150 dollars a week on food. That's basically a quarter of what I make a week. NOT COOL.

This doesn't even include the caloric intake I expose myself to because my meals are not made at home and therefore, cannot be counted. I've gone online and investigated some nutritional facts from several websites, but most don't offer them, (Yes Cheesecake, I'm talking about you).

Basically, I'm spending mass amounts of money and consuming mass amounts of calories eating out. There's an obvious solution to this problem, buy food at the market, prepare it myself and take lunch to work. But, let's be honest here, I'm not the type of person to do that...that would take a "life-style change" and, I'm just not ready for something like that.

So, I'm figuring, maybe I need to be shocked into saving money. I could see what I'm missing out on by being such a fat ass. In the time I could have consumed 50 meals, which doesn't take me that long, I could have afforded to lose some weight and buy myself this Gucci purse I've had my eye on.

Now, that's some motivation.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Someone Needs A New Marketing Director

I love catalogues and magazines, but, because I'm creepy I like to play a little game called: Who Sold My Name????

When I sign up for something, like a magazine or a survey...anything, I always correlate my middle initial with what the magazine's name is.


If I sign up for Cosmopolitan, I'll put that my name is Emily C. Smith (My middle name doesn't start with C and by the way, my last name isn't Smith). But, if, lets say I get a catalogue addressed to Emily C. Smith, I know that Cosmopolitan Magazine has sold my name. Like I said, I'm a little creepy.

So, when I received a catalogue called Body Central, and saw that it was addressed to Emily L. Smith, I knew that it had come from my many orderings of clothes from Lane Bryant.

"A new fat girl catalogue?" I thought to myself "Awesome."

But, to my shock and to the shock of fat girls around the country that received this catalogue at the same time, it was for skinny girls. Wait, I should clarify, it was for really skinny girls. This catalogue didn't even go into XL, like many skinny catalogues do.

I'm sure there is a simple explanation for this, like the LB happens to be owned by the same company or something, but I just want to know who the genius was who wasted postage and paper to send someone who obviously shops at Lane Bryant a skinny girl catalogue?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Gonna Get That Feeling!!!

Emily and I recently recently embarked on one of our more hilarious "diet" fiasco's in recent memory. But first, a little background information about a small bit of our "diet" history...

Normally, we keep away from the fad diets. We have been around long enough to know that they don't work, and if they do work it's either psychosomatic or it leads to some sort of heart issues (*sigh* I miss you phen-fen, you made 11th grade speedy), or you just end up gaining the weight back. The last fad I tried was when Anna Nicole went all extra creepy and showed up on literaly every subway poster in New York proclaiming that she lost all of her reality show weight by taking TrimSpa.

Yeah, I got suckered into the hype and shelled out like $60 bucks or something about 3 years ago and attempted to take TrimSpa. But the problem is that I can never seem to take pills with any regularity. So I ended up taking Trimspa for about a day and a half before giving up, and forgetting about it. About a year later I remembered that I had a full bottle of expensive TrimSpa somewhere in my room and decided I should give it another shot. I tore my room apart looking for the bottle. I looked everywhere to no avail, and then I promptly forgot about it again. Forgot about it until I was my old flatmates room a few months later and saw my TrimSpa in his open boxer/sock drawer! I was so confused (and still am), how did it get there? Did he steal my TrimSpa? Did he take it? But it's not like it's something I can ask him, but I really do wonder.

Anyway, that was a few years ago, and was my last fore into the fad diet industry. Other then that when Emily and I are really trying to lose weight we do WeightWatchers which I know for a fact really works if you follow the program, and I don't consider a fad (but that's another post). Anyway, a few weeks ago Emily started yapping in my ear about Hoodia and how she's heard great things about it and how we should try it. I made fun of her for a few days, but then something clicked in my head, and suddenly we were on the path to Hoodia. I actually think it's the word HOODIA which pulled me in. It just rolls off the tougne and sounds silly, and I like saying it. Hoodia. So, I did some internet research and found (as far as I can tell) a reputable dealer, and told Emily that we should buy some. I knew it would be a waste of money, but hey, sometimes fads are fun.

We settled on Desert Burn as our dealer, a website worth checking out if just for the comedy. First, you are greeted with an 80'sish theme song which Emily thinks says "Let's Get Skinny!", but I think says "Gonna get that feeling!". We agree to disagree and occasionally sing it to each other. Then, if you scroll down to the bottom of the page, there is a skinny "African tribesman" looking fellow in a loincloth holding some sort of instrument in one hand and a bottle of Desert Burn in the other hand. The tribesman cemented it...a week later we each had a $70 bottle of authentic Hoodia delivered to our respective homes. (Emily was really sad when the tribesman wasn't the one who delivered it...)

Let me tell you, we were excited! The next morning we each took 2 Hoodia and called each other to check on the effects: Nothing. Nothing bad (jitters, nausea, etc) and nothing good(not feeling hungry). I took my Hoodia twice a day for 3 days. Emily took hers twice a day for 6 days. And then we sort of stopped. It was TrimSpa all over again! I have serious commitment issues to pills! But not only that, I felt really ravenously hungry while taking the Hoodia on days two and three. There was like a serious compulsion to eat which I am not accustomed to. I told Emily, and she said that she was going through the same thing?!?! So, obviously, we stopped taking it.

But if in the next few months I begin to feel badly about wasting money again and decide to give Hoodia another shot, and I can't find it anywhere ... I am going straight to my old flatmate and confronting him because someday I need to find out how my TrimSpa got into his drawer!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Marble and The Watermelon

If there is one thing I hate, it's having my picture taken. I'm not, what the model's would call, "photogenic". It's been plaguing me my whole life. Even when I was at my thinnest, (6 years old was an awesome time for me), I still didn't photograph well.

And now it's even worse, because every time I take a picture it appears as if a marble, (my head), is resting nicely atop a watermelon, (my body). Stick a carrot in where my nose should be and you could call me Frosty because I do a lovely impression of a snowman. And, of course, every time I take a picture, I have to have that moment of initial shock where I ask, "Am I really that big? Because I don't feel I'm that big". Guess what? I am.

I think the picture above perfectly replicates every single picture I have taken from 1986 to the present. Usually I'm clothed, but you get the drift. And, to be fair, I only squeeze my pannus in private. And I only look nauseatingly full half of the time.

Usually, in group photos, you will find me in the back looking like a floating head. The back of a group picture is prime location for fat people. It's an ideal spot because you can still be in the picture and camouflage the rest of your body with other people's bodies. To put it mildly, I will go out of my way to void my body out of any picture ever taken of me. And sadly, this is why there are really no pictures of me in recent times.

While over at my brother and sister-in-law's house one day I made a comment about how, all over their house, there are pictures of her and her sisters and no pictures of me. I was joking around of course and this led to them taking a horrible picture of me and my brother and placing it in prime location for people to see how fat I am. Skinny people will put up the worst pictures of you because they don't see the difference between a good fat picture and a bad fat picture. To them, you're just fat. In the right light and in the right black clothing, one can almost look skinny fat...that's a good picture.

So, until I can afford to have every picture of me ever taken and photo-shop it so my head is proportional to my body, I will forever be, the marble and the watermelon.

Monday, April 10, 2006

A New High For Not Being Low

I've been on and off jdate for years. It's sort of like craigslist, but a bit nicer because the guys actually pay for it. I know, pretty effin classy. I'm not a member, but sometimes, on occasion, I'm contacted by a Jewish boy who claims to be nice and claims to think, from what he's read, that we'd get along and that I'm pretty funny. Then they ask what Rubenesque, the body type I have chosen to reflect my personal weight, means and for some reason, I sit there and try to defend myself. So, the following is, verbatim, what was emailed from one of these men, to me.

Him: What does rubenesque mean in your book?

Me: Rubenesque in my book? I'm not thin by any means, but I'm also not grotesquely large... I have a belly and I have thighs and all that jazz...I hate the term BBW though. Do you like girls with curves?

Him: Thanks for your honest depiction of your body. Honestly, I start with the face and the eyes. Sure, I would like to be dating a model and would prefer girls who are in shape, but nobody's perfect. I guess there is "a tolerable range". I don't have it committed toa #, b/c I have no concept about women's weights. I know when I see. I don't mean to sound superficial, but every relationship is built on some type ofinitial attraction. Of course I like curves.

I'm still unsure as how to respond. Why, in all that is sane, would a boy who sees a girl that obviously isn't thin, and then write to her, if he's looking for a thin, "modelesque", girl? I think my favorite part of what he wrote was that nobody was perfect. "I like super models, but nobody is perfect". Well, obviously supermodels are perfect to him, which, by the way, is hilarious to me. I also don't know what ofinitial means...seems as though we don't have a real winner in the spelling department. But, above that models are perfect, he then goes on to state, that of course he likes curves.

A little memo to men out there...there is a difference between girls that have curves and girls that have curves. All girls have curves...we all have hips because of that little thing called child birthing, and yes, some hips are wider than others, but I hate when a guy says he loves curves and means that he loves when a girls hips jaunt out. Maybe, next time, a guy can just specify if he likes hips or he likes multiple curves in multiple areas....because that's what I seem to be packing.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Can you blow me where the Pampers is???

This probably isn't the right forum for this sadly pathetic plea, but Jeremy Piven, if you have even a passing interest in fat Jewish chicks, we should get married (I mean hang out). No, I mean married. But for you Jeremy, I'll break my own rule and have sex with ya just because I want to. Have you ever had sex with a fat girl? No? You are totally missing out! I'll gladly show you the wonders of fat sex. And I bet you are sort of freaky in the sack, and honestly, I could really be into that right about now because I am bleeding and horny and writing to you on my little blog which you will never read. Sad.

I am watching The Travel Channel's Jeremy Piven's Journey of a Lifetime, and I have fallen in love with him all over again. I mean, he is always the highlight of any movie or tv show he is in, but watching him sort of stumble through the streets of Bombay has given me a greater appreciation for the wonder that is J.Piv.

Sorry folks, just had to get that out...the next posting will be about what a fat ass I am. Promise.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hooray For Boobies!

Every now and then, I like to think about something positive about myself or my body, which, as we all know, is sometimes not so easy for a fat girl to do. And, every time I feel down in the gutter and need a pick me up, I think about how my being fat has contributed to the best assets money could buy if I had to, but since I am fat, I don't...ha ha ha.

I have fuckin' AWESOME tits. They're amazing.

I couldn't imagine life with my girls. It's true that sometimes they restrict me from wearing button down shirts, but hey, the trade is certainly worth it. My boobs give me the confidence that sometimes I lack because of my size. They lead, and I follow. They give me an awesome shape and something to be proud of.

I'm often asked if my boobs are real. I think this is mainly due to their perfect round shape I can thank to the little extra fat stuffed into each of them.

If there is anything I have learned from being friends with skinny girls it's this: They wished they had big tits too. This, my fellow fat women, is what often gives us the upper hand when dealing with no very nice skinny women. (For you nice skinny women out there, I'm not talking about you).

Driving down the street one day with my rail thin, often rude about weight friend, we got on the topic of, of all things, penis size. To me, it doesn't matter, to her, she likes a larger penis (WOW she actually likes something larger!). She then went on to say that: "It's not like boobs where men don't care about the size. A man isn't going to pick you over me because you have big boobs. Boobs are boobs. " Uh, actually, my little friend, yeah, guys like big boobs* any way you slice's actually why there's such a huge demand for breast the statistics little lady.

I'm often really shy to show off my goods. Lindsey, another girl with some awesome knockers, isn't so afraid. I often wonder that if I wasn't so big and I still had big boobs, would I show them off? I'm not sure. Maybe I like to keep them to myself and share them with a chosen few. They're my best diversion from men looking at my faults also, because I can distract them with my boobs...and then my mind of course!

So, in conclusion, I'm going to take a minute to 1. Thank my genetics and 2. Thank my fat (a rarity for me) for giving me something to hold my head up high to.

Yay for big, fat boobs!!!!

*I'm sure there are men that like small breasts, I'm not denying this...I'm going on the majority though.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Fat Girls Guide to Books

One thing I hate about being fat is fat girl books. I'm not referring to Fat!So! or Fat Girl's Guide...I'm referring to books like Good In Bed, She's Come Undone and Jemima J... These books start off awesome...Fat girl trying to make it in the cruel, thin world. But, then, and this always happens...they get skinny!

I love reading about fat girls. But, I have yet to come upon a book in which the fat girl character doesn't either lose weight for a man, happen to just lose weight by accident or have visions of mold growing all over her food so she stops eating. If I ever wrote a book, I'd have the fat character stay fat, win the lottery, find love and have babies, and maybe gain a few pounds along the way.

I don't know much about the author's of the above mentioned books, besides Wally Lamb who is a guy (can't blame him for not knowing about what would piss a fat woman off and She's Come Undone is one of my all time favorites), but the other authors happen to be women...are they fat? I don't know, but I, for one, am annoyed.

And, not to be all pro-fat here, but it really bothers me that these woman seem to get their lives together only when they lose the weight. They find love, they get better jobs, they start living the life. Well, screw that.

If any of you know of a fat girl book in which the fat girl stays fat, finds love, wins the lottery and maybe gains a few pounds in the process...let me know! I'm looking for a new book. In the meantime, I'm going to pretend there's mold growing on my food and see how far that takes me.