Monday, February 27, 2006

Shakin' That Ass

A little while ago I told you all about Bill, my co-worker who's very large. I also told you that Bill was solving his fat problems by drinking shakes and eating one meal at night. Finally, I told you how much this bothered me and how much I wish he'd get off the shakes.

Bill's a really nice a guy...almost a father figure to me in the office, but during this shake fiasco Bill has been anything but nice. He's cranky, ornery, and pretty much miserable to be around. I'm no mathematician, but I know what this equation is:

Bill + Shakes = One unhappy fat man.

My co-worker noticed this much that he emailed me to ask what was wrong with Bill. I wrote back "Shakes". Something had to be done.

After one of Bill's angry episodes my co-worker and I told Bill flat out that these shakes were not only making him miserable, but they were making us miserable, too. Bill took this information in stride and then asked what we should have for lunch. I've never been so relieved.

A couple days latter Bill's wife called. We've always been chummy and talked a little bit, but this time she asked me if Bill was still drinking his shakes. I didn't know what to do, so I did the thing I do best, I lied about food. Yes! Of course he's still doing the shake thang, and loving every moment of it. I'm not letting this woman know that part of the reason her husband is still a sumo wrestler is my fault.

I don't know how long I'm going to have to keep this charade up, and I wonder how long it's going to take his wife to realize that Bill is, in fact, not dieting whatsoever. My thoughts? Bill will go down as the only man in history to "cut" his calories down by 3/4 and still not lose weight.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Fatty McCarroll

Gay, fat, and funny are 3 of my favorite 5 things in a man and I found them all in my re-ignited obsession with Jay McCarroll.

Can I just say that for my next crush, I would really like to enjoy a straight man. I mean, I love all my gay men, but I would like to have a crush on a guy who might want to have sex with a girl. I am like the worlds most perfect gaydar...if I like you: You're gay! It's been true since high school, and it continues to this day. Case in point: Jay McCarroll, last seasons Project Runway winner...

Holly crap!!! I can't get enough of this man. He's funny, creative, chubby, bitchy, adorable, and of course gay! He is all of my favorite things rolled into one entertaining package. Tonight he was featured on Project Jay on Bravo tv, and he sang a little ditty about about how he is a chunker, and I seriously wanted to make love to him in the back of the cab he was sitting in. That would really be a sight worthy of reality tv, let me tell you!

So Jay, if you decide to google your name (we all do it) and you happen to come upon this site, this is me wooing you: I live in the city and while you won't want to fuck me, I really do think we would have a hilarious time together, and maybe I could get you to design something fabulous for this here fat girl... Think about it, I guarantee that if you make me something (with all of the free time you have) that all 500 of the people who read this blog daily and have a vagina will buy your (fictional) awesome fat girl clothes. Which you would hate since you are a designer and thus take an oath to only clothe skinny chicks, but show us fat girls some love...give us some hot fat girl clothes!!! I love buttons and hoodies! (and apparently exclamation points)!

Email me Jay!!!

My Eyes Have Seen The Glory

This past weekend, I experienced something, well, it's hard for me to put into words, but it was something almost magical, very informing, and left me thinking of a childhood lost. I'm talking about Fat Camp which premiered on MTV. If you didn't catch Fat Camp, I'm sorry, because I checked my Tivo and I don't see an upcoming showing of it, but I could be wrong...I hope I am for your sake.

Fat Camp centered around 5 young adults, ranging in age from 14 to 18ish during their summer at fat camp. We watched them come, we saw them weigh in, and we saw them through two months of work-outs, relationships, and eating small portions of food. It was, for lack of anything better, amazing.

And throughout watching this program, which deserves many awards(Dianne, I'm looking in your direction), I felt sad for myself. Sad about the fact that now, in my mid-twenties, I'm too old to go to fat camp. I know I can go to a fat farm, but not camp. I feel that I lost out on a major experience in my life. One where as an awkward, fat teenager, I could have gone and been around other awkwardly fat teenagers, instead of the skinny friends (one being 5'11" and 125lbs and one being the track star of our school) I acquired in high school. I really feel, looking back, about how amazing an opportunity something like that is, and I was totally jealous of these kids.

For some reason, unknown to me, I seem to surround myself with skinny folk. Actually, really skinny folk. I can't help it and I don't know if I do it on purpose. I cannot imagine how AWESOME it would be to go to a place where everybody knows your name, they're always glad you came, and where troubles are all the same. The boys didn't seem to mind that the girls were fat and it would have been a perfect place for me as a teen because hey, I like fat guys anyway.

I could seriously go on and on about it, but, I'll spare you. I will say this though:

If you happen to be a fat camp director, Hi! I'm Emily and I'd love to be a counselor!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Fat Girl Dictionary

Lindsey and I have wanted, for months now, to create some sort of "fat girl dictionary". We came up with this while talking in code one day about seeing a "muffin top" talking to a "skinny fat" and how one was "making love" to her burrito.

But, last night I got a disturbing email from an ex, asking if I wanted to see him. No, I didn't and yes, I know what "wanting to see him" meant. But, when I told him I wasn't down for the casual sex he informed me he just wasn't looking for a girlfriend, (funny, because I never asked to be his girlfriend). Funny enough, this EXACT same thing happened to Lindsey a month or so ago when a guy she was casually seeing told her that he just didn't want a relationship at that point in his life.

So, this got me thinking and I've come to the conclusion that:

If a guy tells you he wants to be, um, intimate, but then says he doesn't want a girlfriend...and your fat, the "fat girl dictionary" would define his statement as such:

"I'm not looking for a relationship right now" (n.) Origins are Latin for, "I'm an asshole"
Definition: You're a cool girl, we had lots of fun together, but I can't be seen in public with you because you're fat.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Shake It Up!

My co-worker, Bill, has started a new diet. I've mentioned Bill before. He's big man...I'm going to say he's maybe around 400lbs. In an effort to not be such a big man, Bill has taken to drinking two shakes a day and having one meal at night. It's a been a week. I'm sure he's lost some weight, but when you're that big, you can't really tell that quickly with the naked eye.

I'm really conflicted about this diet approach. I'm just not a believer in fad dieting. Yes, I think it will show you quick results and yes, they "work", but, in the long run, not so much.

I asked Bill if this was his first time trying this method and he responded by saying no, that he had tried it once before and well, while he lost 130lbs in 3 months, he has since gained it all back plus some. Isn't that always the case?

I just know in the deepest part of my soul that these quick solution diets DO NOT WORK. So, why even try them? I refuse to lose all my weight, only to stop drinking shakes and gain it all back. And, let's be realistic, drinking shakes all day long is no way to live. I keep telling him to eat those Progresso soups if he's looking for a 100 calorie meal, because I've seen those commercials and those ladies make eating soup looking like they're eating a five star restaurant.

I guess what my point is, is that, if I'm going to go on a diet, (finally), it's going to have to be a lifestyle change I can stick with. And that lifestyle change is going to have to include french fries and chocolate in large doses...and yes, I've tried Weight Watchers.

Monday, February 13, 2006

I love these...

We tried to promote our little blog when we first motivated to write about our fat, and that effort is perhaps how many of you found Fatty McBlog. But a few others just happened onto this site, and these are a few of the search phrases used to find us. I get a kick out of these search terms:

- skinny people poop more
- where to get flaming hot cheetos in nyc
- are bananas fatty?
- fat horsey play
- eating belly button zipper
- fat pannus fat
- mariah is fat now
- chocolate addiction treatment
- pepperoncini pronounce
- how to become bulimic and be skinny

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Like Sausage

There is something about jeans that are a fat girls best friend and worst enemy. Jeans, the right jeans, look good on about anyone. For this, I am grateful because jeans are my fashion staple. But, if there is one thing I hate about jeans, regardless if they are stretch or not, is putting on a freshly washed pair of jeans.

I go to great lengths to not have to wash my jeans, but, in the end, they get to a certain point where they are just way too stretched out, and that's just not flattering. What is a fat girl to do? Sadly, when I finally wash my jeans it will take me a couple of days of considering to wear them in order for me to actually put them on again. And I know what's in store for me when I finally squeeze into them and I know what I have to do.

I have a couple of solid strategies as to how to make this freshly washed jean syndrome less of a problem.

First, the squat.

I can't take full credit for the squat, for my mother taught me and I will, one day, teach my own daughter, (if I ever have one), the very same thing. When I have finally buttoned my jeans, I grab hold to something sturdy, and slowly squat down and stay there for a good "10 Mississippi's". This usually does the trick in making the transition from totally uncomfortable to mildly uncomfortable.

My second strategy, and this is simply for moments where I don't have a lot of time and I need to be lookin' good. For me, it's all in the legs. I would actually prefer that the legs of my jeans stay at tight as possible and that only the waist area loosen up, but that's never going to happen, even in this modern world of ours. So, instead, I take my jeans that have been stretched out for days and simply soak the legs in water and then place then in the dryer. This actually works about 90% of the time and leaves the waist loose, but the legs tight; a beautiful combo.

It's amazing how the right pair of jeans can affect your mood. Today, I actually feel that my jeans have reached the end of their wearing and must be washed in order for me not to look like gangsta. And so the cycle will repeat...

Ed. Note: I, Emily, personally wear Gap Long and Leans, Size 20, which they have available on their website only, because heaven forbid The Gap actually sell their larger sizes in the stores and make the skinny folk feel uncomfortable.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Arkanfat or North Fatolina

It's pathetic how much I let my fat run my life...

Last year I had a friend visit New York who I hadn't seen in nearly 2 years, and I pretended to have the flu so I didn't have to meet up with him just so he couldn't see ... HOW FAT I HAVE GOTTEN!!! I did that for no reason! It's not like he's an ex boyfriend or anything!

And now I am faced with the same thing yet again! I have another friend coming out to NY and I am basically setting the situation up so that I don't have to see him. I mean, he knows I'm fat!

Being fat sucks! No one EVER says, "Oh my god, you gained so much weight! You look great!" ... well, they don't day that unless you are Lindsey Lohan or one of the Olsen twins. In fact, no one says anything at all ... like they don't notice the 40 extra lbs.

If so many fucking Americans are obese these days, then why is Emily my ONLY fat friend?!?!? Maybe we need to start a new state: an all fat paradise where I could wear tank tops and get a boyfriend ... we could rule with a pudgy fist! And then anyone who came to visit would be on notice that I am fat, and I wouldn't want to crawl into a hole every time I had a friend visit. Hmmm....