Sunday, May 28, 2006

The Famous Bowls!

I prefer to eat at home as apposed to eating out in a restaurant. I know that many fat people feel similarly. In my case, it's not simply because I am a fat girl and I hate when people watch me eat because I feel constantly judged, but because the way I eat is peculiar and complex and I can execute the act of eating in a more precise way when I am at home eating alone.

In one of our first posts Emily wrote about the art of preparation. She wrote, "Lindsey says I do an excellent job, but I feel she is far superior to me. She takes her time, gets things set up in perfect order, and has precise execution. It's a dance if you ask me. Preparing our food is a time honored tradition. I'm not talking about the actually preparation of the food, the cooking, the cleaning...I'm talking about preparation after the preparation.Take sushi for example. Sushi takes a lot of preparation because the ratio of food to sides is high. Sushi has the soy sauce, the eel sauce, the incredibly amazing spicy mayo and the ginger. Each of these sides must take their place in an assembly line of goodness. Same goes with any feast that includes sauces. Sauces are of most importance. Fries, sandwiches, salads, etc., all need sauces, different sauces, combined sauces, sauces, sauces, sauces. Some sauces are dressings, some are dipping, but all are sauces and all make or break a meal."

I couldn't have put it better myself!

I went out to dinner twice in the past week with friends, and while I love my friends, I know I would have enjoyed the actual meals more if I had eaten them at home. I feel really self-conscious preparing my food in a restaurant, yet I know that my meal tastes better if I take the time to create the perfect bite with the right amount of sauce, meat, carb, veggie, etc.

Which brings me to my point: KFC, a restaurant I loathe and would never eat at has created a genius product...The Famous Bowl. Now, I basically dislike KFC with as much passion as one can muster against a second tier fast food restaurant. Yes, I have a reason, but believe me that's an entirely different post. In general, I don't eat fast food (maybe once every few years), but I still have to give a shout out to my new obsession which I will never try, The Famous Bowl.

The Famous Bowl is, "Freshly prepared with layers of your KFC favorites - a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, sweet kernel corn, bite size pieces of all-white meat crispy chicken, topped with our homestyle gravy and 3-cheese blend. All the KFC favorites you know and love served in a convenient easy-to-eat bowl"!

It's like KFC packaged the way I eat and is selling it to the general public. Their layered bowl of goodness is basically designed to allow one to create the perfect bite with minimal preparation! So, kudos to you KFC, you've won this round!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Just Wondering...

A few questions for our readers:

1) Who is our fan in Dubai? You check on our blog a few times a week, and I really want to know who you are and how you found our site. Are there many fat people or fatty lovers in Dubai?

2) Why do people keep finding us by googling "Are bananas fatty?" Answer: NO! Why do so many people wonder about that? Is the American educational system in such disrepare that we don't know that bananas are a nutritious food???

3) If you hate fat people, why do you read this blog?

4) How many of you are fat or overweight?

5) Are any of our readers men?

6) How many of you have had the duodenal switch surgery?

7) Are there any topics you wish we would write a post about?

If any of you are interested in answering any of these questions, feel free to leave a comment in the comment section or email us.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Lindsey Called Me Fat!

I've been looking for a new job for quite some time. And when an exceptional offer came my way, I knew I had to take it. But, it's hard. I've been at my current job over 3 years. I love the people here and I do basically no work at all. But, Baby Emily needs to get all growed up.

To make things a little easier, because it's not so easy to leave a job you actually enjoy, I made a pro/con list and I'll give you a little taste of it.

  • the present moment, I receive NO benefits and pay my own health insurance which is a very large bill because I am very large myself.
  • Commute...this job is considerably closer to my home
  • Opportunity...This is America after all, land of opportunity! I'm basically in a dead end job now, viva la opportunity!
  • Salary...It's a hike up from what I make now, but not by much.


  • The People...The people at the new job are, to put it kindly, the most boring, old, unfunny, skinny people in the world. My job now is full of characters! Joy!
  • Taxes...Right now I get paid "under the table", which is nice!
  • Fatties...There are basically no fat people there. I swear! I looked. I found NOTHING!
  • Food...I'll miss my lunches here. Everyday a different place to eat, ah, how I love it. They have a cafeteria, but that's not the same...or is it???

I forgot to mention one thing...My friend Laura...skinny ass at this place. So, I emailed her and asked what exactly they serve at this cafeteria. So, she emailed me a 5 day menu that the institution puts out on their website. I, of course, then forwarded that email to Lindsey. This is how the conversation went, via email.

Me: What did you think of the Menu?

Lindsey: It looks good.

Me: I know, I'm totally going to take the job now.

Lindsey: Because of the menu?

Me: Yeah! Cream of Asparagus Soup on Mondays! Cheeseburgers everyday!

Lindsey: You're fat.

Well, thanks Lindsey! I just needed something to push me over the line and help me make a decision. So, that push just happened to be about Cream of Asparagus Soup, so what? Right?

Monday, May 22, 2006

Let's Give It Up For Lindsey!

Today, our very own Lindsey is graduating from Grad School. I wanted to give her a big shout out for a job well done. Think of all the things Lindsey can do for us! I vote that we send her to Washington DC and fight for fatty reform across the country. But, that's just me.

Anyway, Congrats Lindsey! I'm very proud of you! Sorry you have to wear that gown that makes fat girls look like walking camping tents!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Someone Tell Me I'm Not Horrible...Please

About 90% of the time, I use the handicapped stall. I would never, ever, in a million years do this in front of an actual handicapped person, but, I'm always afraid that a handicapped person is going to come in while I'm in there and have to wait. I do this mostly at work because, well, that's the only public restroom I'm usually in. There are two stalls. One is a normal stall and one is a handicapped stall. And, I swear that even if I was 110 lbs, the non-handicapped small.

I use the handicap stall whenever I can because they're bigger and, therefore, it allows me to maneuver better. I admit it. But, I feel badly. I'm in no way (knock on wood) handicapped. I'm just fat. So, it's wrong right? It's wrong that I use the handicap stall to do my business in because it's bigger and therefore I'm more comfortable? Right? What's the verdict here?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I think I'm finally getting this whole, "I'm eating too much" thing and I've decided to focus my blame, not on me of course, but on America! Yes, although 100% of what I do to my own body is my own fault, I like to shift the blame from time to time and this time America gets the brunt of my anger.

The portions are OUT OF CONTROL. And, because I'm not one to back down out of a challenge, if a 10 pound plate of food is placed in front of me, my lord I will do anything to cross that finish line. I must finish what I eat, no matter what. This, sadly, often leaves me feeling ill...but sort of in that good, "I just gorged myself with deliciousness and love" kind of way.

I bet if I only ate half of what was presented on my plate, I'd lose at least some weight. Wasn't there a commercial that stated this? What is it about me that makes me think I must finish what's on my plate. Why am I a member of the clean plate-ers club? I know I'm not breaking any new ground, but I wish I could get my focus on and restrict myself. But, if I could restrict myself, I wouldn't be such a fat ass in the first place...ah, such is life.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Meet My Fat New Best Friend

I went to a wedding last weekend for a cousin that I don't ever see and who might weigh 98lbs. The wedding was nice, but, what I realized and saw was much better than any chocolate covered strawberries they were serving. (Tangent: Have you experienced the wonders of a chocolate fountain? I'm having one installed in my home ASAP). My cousin, all 98lbs of her, had a lot of fat friends. And, her fat friends had even fatter friends. And therefore, I'm giving up on dieting and, in turn, getting new, better, fatter friends.

Lindsey and I weigh the same, give or take 5lbs. So, when we're together, we're basically just two fat girls walking around. This is why I shipped her to New York. But, if I had a bigger, much fatter friend than me, I'd look awesome. Skinnykins almost. Sign me up!

Anyway, more about the wedding. It's safe to say that even the fat girls had fat was like fat girls in descending order. Each fat girl had a fatter girl to accompany her.

At one point, a girl who I would estimate to be around 210lbs started dancing. She was sort of shy about her dancing...until her bigger (I'd say around 315lbs) started dancing with her. Then, and I could tell because only another fatty can, that her self esteem was boosted because she knew she looked better dancing than the fatter friend that had started dancing right next to her.

This idea is pure genius. Therefore, I'm putting it out there that I'm on the hunt for a new, improved, fatter Lindsey.

And, to Lindsey: I'm sure you understand why I'm doing this. Maybe you could get a fatter friend and then, maybe I could see you again because we'd look skinny together compared to our newer, fatter best friends. Love ya!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Harder HARDer!!! yes yes YES! RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!

I am in finals right now, and I am majorly stressed out! I can feel the stress in my entire body, but I think most of it has accumulated in the upper right portion of my back. I keep doing that thing where you try to contort your body so your back cracks and suddenly you get a moment of pleasure when everything pops into place, but it's just not happening...I NEED a massage.

I used to live with this one particularly hilarious/crazy/lovable Russian Girl who constantly offered to give me massages, so of course, I let her. She would do this thing where she would stick her elbow in the knots in my back and the pain and pleasure were exquisite! It was like a schadenfreude back orgasm. But I haven't live with her in quite a while and I haven't had a back massage since then.

Yesterday during my 4 hour final I kept wanting to get up and ram something hard into the spot on my back that is bothering me, but that would have been insane. Today I decided I needed to get a massage, but I can't bring myself to so it. Why? No, it's not the money. NY's Chinatown is very accessible to me, and they offer cheap massages (not all of them with "happy endings!"), but I cannot bear the thought of taking my clothes off in front of someone right now. Especially in Chinatown, all of the masseurs are tiny Chinese women who have no problem talking shit about huge American who expect to get massages. Why do I care what they think? Why do I expect one of then to call me fat to my face?

A few months ago Nicole Kidman was on Oprah and she told Oprah that she had been a massage therapist in Australia. Oprah then asked her if big fat people ever came to her for massages, and what Nicole thought about that. Nicole said that, yes, big fat people did come to her for massages, and yes, she did in fact (only sometimes) think nasty thoughts about them as she gave them their massage.

Now, of course, Nicole Kidman isn't going to be the one massaging me, but I can't help but think that whoever does is going to be intimidated and disgusted by the size of my back. Lately I feel like I have gotten so fat that it is getting in the way of things I want to do in my everyday life. I am so stressed out!

On a side note and slightly related topic, here is what a professional, the student adviser from Massage magazine said about actual masseurs who are obese,

"Now, about obesity. If there is one deal-breaker in massage school, I’d have to say it’s obesity. I’ve done my best to work with obese students, and it rarely works out. Why? Because, as I’ve said, massage therapy is an athletic profession. If you come to it slightly out of shape, well, we can work with you and get you ready. But if you come to the profession out of shape and obese, it’s going to be tough on you.

For one thing, with the high ethical standards we have regarding steering clear of inappropriate client body contact, it is very difficult for an obese massage therapist not to lay part of her body on the client while working. Usually, with obese students, I have to constantly remind them that their bosom or belly is touching the client. It is embarrassing for the student, the instructor, the client, and fellow students.

Body mechanics can only do so much when oversized bosoms, bellies and arms make inappropriate contact with the body on the table.

If you are obese and seriously thinking of becoming a massage therapist, I will tell you the program will be tough for you, if not impossible. Before you start the program, why not use it as your incentive to get down to a healthier body weight? Then you can dive right in with strength and confidence."

Wow. I guess the moral for today is to try not to let your belly or boobs touch someone inappropriately today!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Desperate times call for...

I have been aware that there are BBW nights at certain clubs for a while. There is Club Bounce and Club XL and a few others, but I am sort of offended by the names! Club XL makes me want to cry! Even though I think they are a good idea, the whole concept still creeps me out really really badly. But I am still rather intrigued about what it would be like to be in a room full of men who are actually into my rolls...almost intrigued enough to actually go to one of these events (but not quite)!

I imagine a dark room filled to the brim with fat women dressed in as little as possible while toothless men masturbate in the corner. I know it won't be that bad...right??? Why do I think they will be toothless? I have no idea...but please don't get all offended in the comments section because it's just my imagination!

Have any of you ever been to any of these events? Are the men totally fatishistic?

I hate that I have to go to special meeting places in order to meet men! I feel like a leper! What I really want is to meet a man who likes me for who I am, and not because I am fat!!! Is that too much to ask?

Aren't there any cute fat loving Jewish men under 35 who read this blog?

I realize I sound desperate and complainy today, but my birthday is around the corner and I am feeling the pressure...