Monday, November 27, 2006

Brownies or Divorce: You Decide!

I watch a lot of crap TV dealing with weight loss. Lindsey got me hooked on that I Lost It and everyday at 3:30 in the morning, my little DVR goes off and saves a 1/2 hour of escapism for me. Not to mention my love for The Biggest Loser and all the other fat to thin shows there are out there. And, like always, there is always something that really bothers me. This time, that something is the wife/husband relationship.

I've always figured in my messed up little head that some day I would lose a ton of weight, meet a man and get married. Seldom do I think I'm going to meet a man looking the way I do right now, at least not a man worth marrying. I know that's not a very optimistic thing to say, but hey, I'm being honest. But, then I realize that even though I'm more than likely going to tell this man that at one point in my life I weighed more than a linebacker on the Raiders, there is still a possibility of me getting big again. He'll then say that he'll love me no matter what I look like, but it will be a lie.

A common thread I have seen in these weight loss shows is the fact that the husband marries a thin/thinner lady and then 25 years later ends up married to an obese woman. The husbands usually end up losing interest in their wives, sleeping in other rooms claiming the bed in the guest bedroom is better for their back, but telling the cameras that he was just not attracted to his wife anymore. That she made him disgusted and embarrassed. Yeah, I think they're asses too.

In the relationships I've been in I've lost lots of weight. Call it being uncomfortable eating in front of a boyfriend or whatever, it's just a silly fact about my life. But, knowing this has me think that I must marry a man that has seen me at my fattest, has loved me at my fattest and who knew me at my fattest. Therefore, if I lost weight, great...if I gain it back, that's okay too because he's seen me fat and obviously, liked something about me fat.

Is this possible though? Can marrying someone, at least for me, be the ultimate diet of them all? And here is a question to all of you: If you are married or in a relationship, what does your man or woman think of your weight? Were you big when you met? Has your body changed and what do they think of that change?

87 comments:

Anonymous said...

I married my husband when I was about the same weight as I am now but after being married for a little while I started gaining weight. He never did say anything about the extra weight (I was fat to begin with) but now that I lost the extra weight and I'm back to the same weight I was before we got married he has mentioned that the weight did bother him a bit. I agree that you should find someone that accepts you now and not when you get to goal. I do plan on loosing more weight but at least I know that if I don't get to my goal my hubby will still love me, even if I am a little "fluffy" lol

M.E. said...

All of the long-term relationships preceeding my husband were during my obesity. With all of those men I ended up gaining weight. I got up to 300lbs with one of them.

I met my husband after my major weightloss (130lbs) and the reverse has happend with him, I have lost a great deal of weight since the beginning of our relationship. And, of course, he loves it. If I gained weight I am not sure what he would think, but it really is not an option for me unless it is due to pregnancy.

The biggest difference was that I was not happy with the men I was with when I was fat. They took advantage of my low self esteem and encouraged me in gaining weight in order to push me down further so they could use me.

This is not the situation with every woman, however. It took me loosing weight and discovering myself and my strength to find a good quality relationship, however there are women out there who are 300lbs who know their worth and have the ability to find a man who will love them for them and is willing to engage in a healthy relationship.

It isn't about weight. My husband is a former football player who is husky to say the least. He is significantly overweight and I am not and was not when I fell in love with him. I love him for him, and so when he gained more weight over the past year nothing changed. If he lost weight it would not change either.

I lost weight to find myself and I did. If you know yourself and are overweight then the weight does not matter. There is the potential to find a unconditional relationship no matter what.

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Anonymous said...

When I first met my husband I was a little bigger than I am now, and since being sick with kidney problems and other things I've lost a bit of weight. And I gotta say, he is definetely a keeper, because he doesn't like the way I look now. Sure he says I'm pretty and alot of fun, but he's admitted that he liked me alot more and found me alot more attractive when I was bigger.

Anonymous said...

I met my husband after I lost the bulk of my weight and went from a size 20 to a size 14/16. I tried not to show him old pictures cause its embarrasing but he has seen them and is aways shocked. He likes the way I am now but has told me several times that if he met me when I was a size 20 he definitely would not have gone out with me because he doesn't like fat girls. I don't think he's a jerk for saying that cause I can understand that he does not find that attractive and to him that's not who I am, but it definitely puts a lot of stress on me (although at this point I think he loves me and wouldn't leave if I gained weight but it would affect me a lot cause I would know that he doesn't like it and would be totally ashamed and insecure). Its been 4 years since I lost the weight but I am very worried that i will gain it back again. I am 7 months pregnant now and haven't gained too much weight so I anticipate after I give birth I will be the same size as before. But I plan on doing a lot of exercise and dieting while on maternity leave to make sure I lose even more, because I hate living with the pressure of constantly worrying about my weight, hating the way I look and having people constantly giving me dieting tips (seriously f-off people). Anyway, yes I guess I would prefer if he had known me and fallen in love with me when I was fatter but as he said himself, I don't think that would of happened. Frankly, no one wanted to date me when I was heavier (no one normal anyway) so I think the only way for me to find someone was to lose weight. I didn't lose the weight for that purpose, but truthfully thats what happened. i NEVER got asked out when I was fatter, when I lost it then I had more options (even though I am still in the fat category)so i don't think we have much choice in the matter.

PastaQueen said...

Sometimes women will gain weight when they get married because they start eating the same sized portions as their husbands during meals. But since most men require more calories in a day than women, the women overeat and gain weight.

Denise said...

I dated my (now ex-) husband when I was fat then lost weight after we were married - he never treated me any differently before or after. I dated a wonderful man who wanted to marry me when I was a little heavier than I am now and he thought I was sexy at that weight. Finally, I'm dating a great guy right now (everyone tells me he's a real hottie - like they're surprised a fat girl like me could "get" him) and he likes me as I am and only wants me to lose weight because my diabetes makes it dangerous to stay fat. They're out there and you shouldn't have to lose weight to find love (do you really want a life with a man whose idea of lifelong love is wrapped up in the size of your body? I think not).

pudge said...

you've probably heard that usually people gain weight when they get married, and that was true for me and my husband. the funny thing about our story is that we were together for several years before we finally married, and had been getting fatter together while we were dating/engaged. by the time we got married, we were both "chubby", but not "too fat". during the first year of our marriage, i think i had gained about 25 lbs, and he had gained about 50, so at this point we were both fat. during this past year, my husband has lost 85 lbs and is quite skinny now. i lost most of the extra 25 lbs about a year ago, but then gained about 10 of it back slowly. anyways, with all that weight history in mind, and i have never been skinny, always plus size, neither of us have loved or desired each other less. it's true, it is difficult to attract a potential mate when you have extra weight but it's not impossible. in our case i guess our eating habits/excercise habits mirrored each other's so we both gained weight together..however the last year he's put in a really good effort to eat less and excercise more, whereas i have not been..now i'm a fat wife with a skinny husband, and though i know he doesn't find me less attractive, i find myself getting paranoid sometimes and also having lower self esteem. i guess when he was fatter, i always felt ok since he was larger than me. now we're about the same size, or he is smaller. so despite being happy for his weight loss, i'm also a tad jealous and worried about being the "fat wife". oh well, i guess i've rambled quite enough here! but hope that provided a little insight.

Tara said...

I can't speak for myself since I'm not with anyone but I know all of my larger friends married their husbands while they were large. With one exception the guys are pretty wonderful, not the types to take advantage of low self-esteem.

I'm doing the online dating thing and say right up front I am FAT, so there are no surprises. This is probably not helping (lots of pen pals, no dates), but I think it is important to find someone who doesn't care, or even likes larger women. I am obsessive about exercising and I eat healthy for the most part, but you never know what can happen. If I break my leg or worse and gain weight I don't want the pressure of being with someone who won't want me anymore because of the numbers on the scale. I can easily gain weight because it is a struggle just staying in a 14/16!

I wouldn't want anyone determined to make me bigger either, I just want someone who likes ME.

peace,
Tara

Midnight Raider said...

Hubby and I both gained weight after marriage. There is no doubt in my mind, however, that he would love me fat or thin. I did make an effort to drop a few pounds after we'd been married a year or two.

I try to keep my body healthy so I live longer, have more energy and feel confident about myself. These things are more important to my marriage than my actual weight. Feeling good about myself allows me to be the happy, confident person I need to be to help keep our marriage happy and fulfilling.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I weigh the same, though he's quite tall - he's pretty skinny and I'm average(size 8).
He wants my weight to stay more or less the same. The thing is, he is rather attracted to my body as it is. And I really respect him for that.
He eats a LOT and when we're together I find myself putting on weight because I let his eating habits influence mine. But whenever my weight reaches a certain value, I make extra efforts and lose it again till it's at the good level.
And if I ever gained a significant amount, I could not blame my boyfriend for finding me less attractive. There are things he could do, like cutting off his beautiful hair, which would totally upset me even though I would still love him. I think the crucial think is to talk about it in due time. Like those husbands on that programme, they should have found a gentle way of letting their wives know they were getting too heavy in due time instead of just not communicating this to them and then blurting it out on national television!

K said...

When I met my husband, I was about the same weight as I am now (170s). I was 19. Over the next five or six years, I gained about 25 pounds. Last year, I lost about 20.

Although I know that's a fairly small variation by some standards, at no point of the process have I been thin - and I don't think I ever will be really thin; I'm just not made that way. But he's always told me I'm beautiful. While I was losing the weight he told me not to overdo it!

I've met a couple of his ex-girlfriends; one is much thinner than me and one is shorter and sturdier. I think some people don't have a strong "type".

Anonymous said...

When I met my husband, I was 16 and about 140. (I'm 5'2") I thought I was fat. On our wedding day 3 years later, I was 200. Husband never said one word about my weight, other than offering support when I expressed I was unhappy about it. We've been married 16 years and now I'm about 168. He'd been overweight virtually all his life but had lost most of it before I met him. (He's 9 years older than me.) So I think he understood the weight and compulsive eating issues. Marriage didn't solve any food issues. But it didn't create any additional ones in my case, because husband doesn't love me more or less at a particular weight.

Anonymous said...

My bf still loves me whatever my weight, but prefers me thin. He's seen me at 140 and 215, and prefers 140.

Honestly, I don't think he really focuses on it that much, but the thinner the prettier he finds me. I'd prefer that than dating a "chubby chaser." To me, someone who thinks my fat is attractive doesn't make ME, the slender, pretty me, feel attractive.

alice said...

I was big when we met (~240 and 5'8"), got bigger before we had our commitment celebration (~270) and am now hanging out smack dab in the middle. He's loved me at all weights, and it's one of the things that I truly cherish about him.

He had been heavier at one point, but has now lost it, and I think that having the experience of struggling to lose weight made him a bit more empathetic than he would be otherwise.

However, I think that one of the key points in our relationship, and in other relationships I've had while heavy, is that he's attracted to me, *and* is comfortable with that. There were a fair # of men and women who weren't ok with the fact that they liked a fat chick, and that was an instant death knell. I wasn't willing to settle for being with someone whose love was that conditional: 'I'll love you so long as you don't gain any more', 'I'll love you so long as you lose 20 lbs'. I was able to find folks to date with that filter in place, although I could have dated more if I hadn't had it.

I'm lucky in that my other dealbreakers weren't incompatible with that one - I wasn't looking for someone who was traditionally hot (just attractive to me), and I didn't care if my partner was someone who was impressive or just a regular schmoe. I ended up with someone who's not going to dazzle the shit out of classmates at my 10 year high school reunion, but that's fine by me.

(And an aside: it's my belief that while there are a lot of folks who aren't attracted to us larger types, there are a LOT more folks who are attracted, but just aren't comfortable with it. IME, these are often the real assholes.)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, what they said, "they" being the folks who can trust in their significant others' affection. But I have to say it helps that mine has always been heavier than I am. To do him justice, he's also half a foot taller, but he's always been a big guy. I wouldn't say that makes him indiscriminate, but it does mean he understands the difficulties, and it means that he's been taught, the hard way, how important kindness and affection are. Meaning no disrespect to the conventional beauties among you! but I sometimes feel that real, unforced kindness comes mostly from suffering, and that such beauties too often just haven't had the necessary experiences. That's not to say that the beautiful people aren't abused, don't suffer from eating disorders, or can't be scarred by all the usual things...but there IS a difference between "beautiful" and "unattractive" when it comes to how random people treat you, and many of the conventionally beautiful people I've met take that privilege for granted, feel that they deserve it, or both.

But where were we, before we went off on that tangent? Signficant other and I started out at points X and Y. We both love food, we're both good cooks (S.O. is rather more than good), and the more comfortable we got with each other, the more weight we gained. We both gained 40-50 pounds in our first ten years or so. In the ensuing six, we've both taken just about that much off again. Does it make a difference? We look rather better, sure. But the big factor is health; neither one of us wants to be either the invalid or the caretaker; neither one of us wants the other to die and leave us alone. But it's always a struggle; left to ourselves we'd eat anything that didn't eat us first. Okay, not Twinkies and nasty crap like that, but homemade wheat bread with butter? Ribeye steaks? Basmati rice? The occasional Cheeto? Oh, yeah. It's always a job getting us to reinforce each other's healthy behavior and not our desire to use food as comfort.

For McGee's question, I think you can find someone who likes you as is, I think it's good to have someone who's seen you at your fattest, I think that's possible, and yes, I think love can indeed be the best of diets. But it's better if it's out of a desire for a long healthy life together than out of fear of being seen eating. Which I guess you kind of knew anyway. Sorry about the preaching.

--Cat

NicoleW said...

Let's see: My husband proposed to me and married me when I was about 250 pounds. I gained even more weight after that. In the last couple of years I've gotten myself down to 165.

He has never, ever made me feel that he found me anything less than hot no matter what I weighed. And for the record, he put on a good bit of weight in the first years of our marriage and then lost it, and I never stopped being attracted to him either.

Now, I think he likes our lifestyle better -- we're more active in general and we just plain feel better since we began eating more healthfully -- but I'm not at all worried about what would happen if I gained the weight back.

Anonymous said...

I met my husband when I weighed about 200. We got married at 210, got pregnant at 228, and I sit now about 245. My husband treats me the same no matter what I weigh - he mostly ignores me, sexually. I don't know if he just has a low sex drive in general, or if it's something about me, or if it's my weight. I will tell you, if you're dating a guy who doesn't desire you the way you are today - run away. It is heartbreaking to be with one who doesn't want you, whether it's what you weigh or for whatever reason.

Anonymous said...

In marriage, assuming one partner is not super-submissive, there is the lowest common denominator factor. Whichever partner's actions or opinions are closest to "normal" wins. This means your leisure activities are the boringest, your house is the most normal. And it means that the food in the house and the eating behavior is the most "average" for Americans. Which means supersized junk food.

Puncher of Donkeys said...

I've always felt that there has to be something other than the physical to sustain a relationship.
We're all going to gain weight, get wrinkles, lose (or gain) hair; that's all part of life.

I'm getting myself hitched soon and, if anything, having a girl that kicks ass has made me want to be fitter (thus slimmer and "awesomer") because I want to look my best for her.

I don't know if it's necessary that some dude (even a potential life-long dude)see you at your widest. You could show him pictures as a "before" memoir, but for me, the more concerning issue if I married a woman who was big, then small, then started getting big again, would be a lack of consistency in her actions. Obviously (with pregnancy, slowing metabolism, etc) changes happen, but I don't see why someone could be "thin" for a few years and then start packing on the pounds.

I also don't know why a guy would be an "ass" for finding his wife, after a substantial weight-gain, disgusting and embarrassing.
That doesn't mean he doesn't love her, just that she's not physically attractive any more.
In a way, I think it's unfair to expect the guy to adhere to "for better or worse" when the worse is something completely within one's control.

This applies to guys as well.
If a woman married a dude that's 6'2 and 200 pounds, but then put his weight up to 280; a woman would be lying if she said he was just as attractive as he was before the weight gain. It's not fair on either party "to let yourself go."

Sorry for the rambling, but I'd say "yes," the ultimate diet could be spurred on by someone you love, but it has to be maintained by you and for you. (end of hippie statements)

Anonymous said...

i reckon people fall in love with personalities, but are attracted by bodies, and ya kinda need a bit of both for a relationship to 'work'.

Inverarity said...

What Puncher of Donkeys said.

We all know it's politically correct for guys to say that their wife putting on 50 or 100 pounds after marriage doesn't bother them, but we all know they're lying when they say that.

Physical attraction isn't the cornerstone of a relationship (or shouldn't be ), but if you gain large amounts of weight after you're in a committed relationship (and yes, this does apply to guys also), it's like you're telling your partner "I don't care if you find me attractive, you're stuck with me now, bub!"

Tim said...

I think it can work but remember, a man can still be in love with his now fat wife, but, if he's atracted to slimmer girls then he can't change that. I think guys who leave their wives because they're fat are scum, but we can't decide WHAT we're attracted to. The sex may not be all that great for him now, but if he loves her he'll find a way. I for one love my fatter wife now and hope she grows more :)

Anonymous said...

I am fat, my bf of 6 years is fat, we were both fat when we met. We are totally crazy about each other and have a great sex life. After the first year or so, I think having similar goals and being able to communicate are a lot more important than appearance.

carlaviii said...

Fat when I met him, fat when I married him, fat to this day, will probably die fat. (though apparently I'll lose my appetite steadily over the next 20 years and lose a little weight, if the family trend is correct)

We were both "rejects" as teenagers and so we are both pretty fragile when it comes to acceptance, let alone sexuality, so a big bonding point for us has been the lack of expectations and requirements, just mutual support.

We're also good communicators, which I believe is the single biggest factor in the survival of a relationship. We've had our rough times, yes, and we've gotten through them by saying what needed to be said and respecting each other's opinions.

Our 10th anniversary is in January.

Anonymous said...

I am 6' tall and was about 205 when my wife and I got married -- ten years later, I am 265 and while my wife's love has not diminished in the least, she does not find the extra weight to be physically appealing or attractive. My wife, who is 5'6", was around 120 when we got married. A few months ago, she had gotten up to around 155 and I found her body to be pretty gross. I did not love her less, but the softness, dimpling and rolls of fat were unappealing. She dropped around about 20 pounds during the summer and early fall and the difference was amazing. I felt much more attracted to her physically.

Anonymous said...

I want to know where everyone meets these great men.

Anonymous said...

Great men?
Leave the US!
Or at least abandon the American thought pattern that men and women are very different.
I don't mean to offend anybody here, because I'm sure there are MANY great American men who make excellent husbands/boyfriends etc. I just notice that compared to Europe, people over here often fail to acknowledge that men and women want the same sort of things. Men are constantly depicted as testosterone monsters requiring dozens of pretty women, and women are portrayed as waiting all their life for Prince Charming...or maybe they are socialized to be this way.
My bottom line is that men and women need to see each other as human beings, not as opposites. The best relationships don't start with falling in love with a mysterious stranger who fixes your flat tire, but with people being friends.

Thora said...

>Can marrying someone, at least for me, be the ultimate diet of them all?

I know this wasn't the question you really posed for answering, but!

You only bring into a marriage whatever you have at that moment.

If you don't have the tools and habits to get thin/stay thin, they aren't going to miraculously appear once the ring is on.

I'm losing weight, I'm dating more. And more importantly, I'm dating "well" (guys who I could potentially have a future with due to our similiar backgrounds, educations, lifestyles, goals, ambitions - no more 30 year olds who live in their mom's basement just because I have nothing better to do that particular night for me, thank you very much).

Ironically, the more I date, the more I realize I like being single.

DietQueen said...

When I met my husband I weighed around 250. We have been together for 13 years and my weight has ranged from 140 - 250 since then. Today I am sitting at 240. He always tells me he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I have been the only "big" girl my husband has ever dated! ALL of his girlfriends before me were skinny, skinny, skinny! But he loves me for me. I am always saying I need to lose weight and his response is always the same. "Do what you want I love YOU." No one thought my husband would ever get married he was 35 when we met and 40 when we married. I must say I was big but I never felt less of a person. I didn't have low self esteem, I had the attitude that I was worth something.

Anonymous said...

I've been "heavier" for most of my life, and none of the men I've dated have had a problem with my weight. And I'm not one of those submissive, low-self-esteem fat chicks either; I know I'm smart and funny and an awesome person all-around, so I wouldn't take that crap if they did have a problem.

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years now. When we met he was about 5'10", 160 lbs, and I was 5'6", 200 lbs. We're now about 20 lbs. heavier each. He's always told me that I'm beautiful, and he's never even hinted that he has a problem with my weight, even when I've pointedly asked him. He actually compliments me so often that when we first started dating I was afraid he was a "chub-lover" and that kind of scared me because I don't just want to be loved for my fat, but then I met a few of his old girlfriends, and most of them have been quite thin. I'm now trying to make a habit of eating healthier, and while he's supportive, he's told me that he's afraid that I'll go overboard and become sickly thin. What I find amusing is that he's starting to have a problem with his own weight gain, but whenever I mention that I need to lose weight he always tells me that I'm perfect the way I am. And our sex life has always been great.

Maybe I'm naieve or hopelessly romantic, but I think once you love someone, that's it: they may change and you may change, but the fundamental things that you find attractive about a person don't change. Sure, her ass might expand, and sure, his gut may grow, but I don't think that should be an immediate libido-dampener; there should be enough other things that you love about a person and find attractive about them that they still turn you on. They have the same eyes and nose and mouth and such, and just like those characteristics, weight is just one aspect of a person that is small part of the whole. If all it takes for you to be attracted to someone is the numbers on a scale, then you might want to dig a little deeper. Fat doesn't suddenly negate a person's other good qualities. But then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just lucky that I've never had to choose between a boyfriend who adores me and a good piece of cheesecake.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I think love if it's love can be permanent, but so too are physical attractions. I think someone can love you and not be physically attracted to you. I also think, because they love you they won't tell you they aren't pysically attracted to you anymore.

I know if I put on weight and got back to my highest weight that my boyfriend would still love me, but he probably wouldn't be physically attracted to me anymore.

The same would probably be true for me. If he put on a substantial amount of weight I would still love him to pieces, but I probably wouldn't be attracted to him the way I am now.

I don't think we'd break up with each other, but there would probably be some loss of physical intimacy.

Just being realistic.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with most what has been said. People just need to communicate. If you are loved and love yourself then you will have the self-respect to care about your health enough, or to be happy being heavy I guess.

Anonymous said...

im reading these posts and you WHOLE lives are based around your weight. So what if you weigh more ! So weight if you have more fat on your body than other people ! Because that's all it is being fat does NOT change you on the inside and does the outside really matter ?

Anonymous said...

I have always been fat. I am beautiful but fat. I am about 6 feet tall and when I weigh about 200, I look pretty good. I was wearing an 18 when I married my husband. I outweighed him then by about 50 pounds, and have since gained 60 more. I am a fatty. I know he loves me. I have no doubts about that.

I do not love myself.

I do not go to events with him because I am embarrassed for him. I am sorry that his wife is fat. It sucks. But, have I made a concerted effort to do anything? No.

Years ago, I was engaged to a different guy. I started out with him I was at my thinnest...still a 16. By the time he dumped me, I was well over 300. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and she said: Are you going to keep eating until he leaves you?
The answer was yes. I was too much of a chicken to leave him...it is a vicious cycle--I am so insecure that I stay with the wrong man: better to be with someone than to be alone. So I got fatter and fatter, rather than grow the stones to walk out.

Am I doing the same thing with my husband? I do not think so--we actually have a really good relationship--but I still feel like I am operating from some position of overwhelming baggage that determines my life's circumstances.

I think that we fat girls are fat to prevent ourselves from having to deal with anything. We are eating to numb ourselves...not to reward ourselves--but rather than that, we just eat and eat until we cannot fell antything and fall asleep. Then, when we come to, it is too late--all those calories have taken up residence in our ass...then, when the cute boy does not pay attention to us, it is because we are fat. We are defeating ourselves even before we have a chance.

I am sad.

Anonymous said...

Gaining a lot of weight may lead to relationship problems some of the time, but so does losing a lot. For WLS patients, if the patient was heavy when their marriage or relationship began, there's an 80 to 85 percent chance they will get divorced within 2 years after the surgery. I think extreme physical changes are very stressful on relationships.

Anonymous said...

Well, let's see. My last boyfriend was a 31 year old cop. I'm a 22 year old nursing student that is definitely fluffy. He loves my body and sexuality, but he still cheated and got back with his ex-girlfriend. Now he's still with her, but is trying to come back to me for the, uh, physical stuff. Obviously there are men out there that will adore you regardless of your size, some will only want thin girls, and some only want fluffy girls. I think it comes down to being true to yourself, having confidence even when the world is telling you No. (No, it is not okay to be a big girl). Push back and say YES, standing firm. And find a guy with character - who has a spine, but also has a heart. The whole ordeal with the ex has really thrown me but I've finall realized that it's not me lacking in any area; he's simply an over-sexed bastard. Those are the ones ya gotta look out for (although I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to have your body worshipped - even the parts I've always hated!). But I'll find a guy who adores my body no matter what the size or shape is; but who will be more interested in the inner beauty and strength.

As all of you will who believe and don't lower your standards because you're afraid you won't find a man that will treat you right AND accept you - regardless of whatever your weight is.

tara said...

anon 8:02:
I think what you described is an individual thing. I never ate to drive people away, and I've never put anything off because of my weight. I know many fat women who weigh more than 300lbs who live their lives to the fullest. You have to, you only have a relatively short time on this earth and life is too short to hide from it because of a few a-holes think you take up too much space.

It sounds like you have found a wonderful partner. Your weight might not drive him away, but your self-loathing and insecurity might, don't let it rule your life and drive away someone who loves you.

You need to figure out why it feels safe for you to numb yourself rather than allow yourself to experience what life has to offer....maybe through therapy? You have someone who loves and cares about you, unless he has poor taste, he must think you are pretty great to continue to be with you, just accept that maybe it is because you ARE someone special.

I have to admit I'm a little jealous, many of us haven't found someone who loves us like that, I certainly haven't.

So I'll jump off the soapbox now. Your post moved me and I had to respond.

peace,
Tara

Katharina said...

I'm currently in a long distance relationship. When we met online I was at pretty much my highest weight (weeeell into the "obese" range). He knew of my size and liked me as I was, though he wasn't confronted with my fat constantly. When we met in person I was about 20 lbs. lighter than before, and by the next visit I was another 20 lbs. lighter. Somewhere along the line I lost another 10. I don't think, however, that he'd lose interest in me if I gained it back because he has seemed extremely consistent in how attracted he is to me. His love for me and the erm, physical love for me, haven't changed one bit no matter how fat or chubby or skinny I was. I'm currently pretty much 1 lb. above a normal weight for my height. I could say he wouldn't complain if I lost more weight, but only because I know he wouldn't complain if I gained more either. I'm lucky as hell and I know it, too, because finding a guy who genuinely thinks you're sexy at any weight is an amazing thing. What I'm saying is: it's definitely possible to find "that" guy that just doesn't care how much you weigh. They exist. A bit like unicorns, sure, but they're out there.

Anonymous said...

I think that we fat girls are fat to prevent ourselves from having to deal with anything.

Anon 8:02, not everyone is you. Don't put your baggage on the rest of us. I'm fat and I have a terrific life.

Heather said...

Whenever I was at a healthy weight, I had no problems finding men to date. I had 2 separate relationships where they dumped me after a weight gain (of course, that was never the reason that they gave me but i am not a big believer in coincidence).

I did start dating my last BF while fat. He claimed he didn't mind it. Of course, he ended up getting back together with his uper-thin ex and now they are happily married.

I have given up all hope of meeting a guy while fat. Unfortunately, I have also given up on attempting to be thin again.

Today is my 35th birthday and I am nowhere near any of the goals that I set for myself when I turned 30. Kinda depressing.

Erin said...

I think a lot of this comes down to whether or not you are comfortable with your fat. If you are OK with it, you will likely be sending out a self-confidence vibe that will attract people who are attracted to that. If you are not OK with it, others will pick up on your lack of self-confidence and you will either have trouble meeting people, or only attract those who recognize the self-loathing as a way they can take advantage of you ('assholes').
ME personally, I was fat, and I didn't like it. That whole time I did not have a single intimate relationship. I didn't look for it, and if there was a guy interested in me I dismissed him. I am not fat anymore, and I now recognize that many of my problems with men were MY problems, not that there aren't any good men out there.

Sandra said...

If you let yourselves slide down the fat lane you have no one to blame but yourself. Put aside the brownie and work out to look good for your man. I know I do!

suzy_q said...

Some very good comments here!

When I married I was slightly overweight, then gradually worked my way up to borderline morbidly obese and now I'm thin. My husband has always been very loving and supportive of me at any size. He tells me all the time I look hot, but I think he admires my attitutude and determination than my figure. He knows how hard I worked to lose the weight.

I certainly don't work out to "look good for my man" - although I like the compliments! I work out because I enjoy it, and because I enjoy being fit.

suzy_q said...

For WLS patients, if the patient was heavy when their marriage or relationship began, there's an 80 to 85 percent chance they will get divorced within 2 years after the surgery.

Fascinating... I'd be interested if anyone has a link to that info. Maybe there was a dynamic where the non-fat spouse felt superior to the fat one and the relationship crumbled when the non-fat spouse lost that "power"?

ABC said...

Maybe these luxuries can only compensate for all the cards you were dealt at the hands of fate?

Anonymous said...

Fascinating... I'd be interested if anyone has a link to that info. Maybe there was a dynamic where the non-fat spouse felt superior to the fat one and the relationship crumbled when the non-fat spouse lost that "power"?

Here's the link:
http://rfl.com/Portals/3/PDF/Counseling%20Bariatric%20Surgery%20Patients.pdf

It's from Social Work Today, Vol. 5, No. 6, p.24 (by Dan Orzech). From what the article says, the divorces were often caused by the previously fat spouse feeling they could now do better. It also says that promiscuity is a problem for some WLS patients, especially if they were overweight from a young age.

Anonymous said...

If you let yourselves slide down the fat lane you have no one to blame but yourself. Put aside the brownie and work out to look good for your man. I know I do!

I take two issues with your comment, Sandra:

A. That you feel that women should have to be good looking 'for their man.' What about those who weren't born with a pretty face? Or is anything pretty, as long as it isn't fat?

B. That you think that women work out to look good 'for their man.' I'll have you know that I weightlift because I enjoy doing so, not because I feel like I have to impress 'my man.'

You know, I see wimpy little girls like you every day only on the treadmills at the gym, and I take pride in the fact that I could undoubtably kick your ass even though I'm chubby.

Sandra said...

To Anonymous 1:05

Think what you want, that's a myth that because you're chubby or fat that you can beat skinny girls up. We all work out for different reasons, I just hate it when fatgirls complain about relationship stuff and they sit on their fatasses all day and do nothing to change it and then bitch when they're husband/boyfriend doesn't find them attractive at all.

Anonymous said...

I believe you missed the part where I said I powerlift, Sandra. When you throw around 100+ pounds daily, you become quite strong. Or did you completely ignore that part because theres no way that a chubby chick could actually be stronger than some waif?

Sandra said...

Strength means nothing in a fight honey, it's technique and skill. Can your fatass do a high leg kick or punch me five+ times in a row without breaking a sweat?

Anonymous said...

Oy Vey (or however it's spelled...I'm a Gentile!).

I am pretty much done reading these blogs. I mean, I love what the girls write, but I am sick to death of the fucking idiots like Sandra who come on here only to fat bash and those who take up the bait.

Tata Ladies!

Anonymous said...

Hah, Sandra, I beg to differ. Whats the point of you throw a punch at me if you're so weak from your anorexia bouts that you can't actually hurt me? While, on the other hand, I can give a good punch to the face that'll knock you right out.

And, yes, I can do I high leg kick, thanks. I'm flexible.

littlem said...

Man, this was such a sensitive and interesting conversation (check - believe it or not - Tyra's site; she did a show on body image and relationships just last night, including SKINNY girls who get taunted, which IMHO just goes to show that the bottom line is that since even Tyra admitted that she doesn't look like TYRA in her photos, if you're a woman in Western society, you're never going to get it right) I had a feeling it would be just a matter of time before the trolls like Sandra would show up.

Kudos to everyone prior- and post-Sandra who actually *thought* before they commented, instead of just spewing the rote that's been pounded into their head

*Coos at Sandra* I know, I know, it's SOOOO HARD to think for yourself. It's like what Barbie says about math!

(And before you even start, Sandra, I've been running around so much this season that I wear a single-digit size now (everyone else, I didn't start that way when I first started reading this board, and most of you know I have no control over my metabolism's fluctuations whatsoever), so Sandra - do us all a favor and just put a sock in it now. Unless you ENJOY looking stupid.)

littlem said...

Man, this was such a sensitive and interesting conversation (check - believe it or not - Tyra's site; she did a show on body image and relationships just last night, including SKINNY girls who get taunted, which IMHO just goes to show that the bottom line is that since even Tyra admitted that she doesn't look like TYRA in her photos, if you're a woman in Western society, you're never going to get it right) I had a feeling it would be just a matter of time before the trolls like Sandra would show up.

Kudos to everyone prior- and post-Sandra who actually *thought* before they commented, instead of just spewing the rote that's been pounded into their head

*Coos at Sandra* I know, I know, it's SOOOO HARD to think for yourself. It's like what Barbie says about math!

(And before you even start, Sandra, I've been running around so much this season that I wear a single-digit size now (everyone else, I didn't start that way when I first started reading this board, and most of you know I have no control over my metabolism's fluctuations whatsoever), so Sandra - do us all a favor and just put a sock in it now. Unless you ENJOY looking stupid.)

littlem said...

Oooo - McGees - sorry about the double post. Computer acting like metabolism.

Sandra said...

I love the double-standard on this site. Little Ms. powerlifter calls me
anorexic and no one bats an eye but the moment someone tells you fat ladies how it is I'm public enemy #1. Whatever, cry over your double chocolate fudge sundea and extra large supreme pizza and when you wake up one day and have to roll out of bed you have no one but yourself to blame. Oh wait, it's not YOUR fault that you ate that 2nd burger, it's society's fault. Whatever.

Melissa said...

My body is only one aspect of who I am, and the boy du jour thinks ALL of me is fabulous. There is more to people than weight. I'm a big girl and have been my whole life. I go to the gym 5 days a week for an hour of cardio, 30 min. of weights and 30 of yoga/core training and I'm still fat. And that's still just ONE part of who I am.

If the relationship is beyond the superficial when the superficial changes it doesn't make a difference in the love.

suzy_q said...

Hah, Sandra, I beg to differ. Whats the point of you throw a punch at me if you're so weak from your anorexia bouts that you can't actually hurt me?

Sigh. While I don't agree with the rest of Sandra's posts, I do agree with her point about the double standard here. Why do some people assume that non-fat women must be anorexic/bulimic?

Imagynne said...

Man, I know you meant it facetiously, but if it really did come down to brownies or divorce? Don't let the door hit ya and all that jazz.

Kim said...

I was average then got morbidly obese. My husband hated it! He loves it now that I lost weight. I am a tiny bit resentful about that. He says my personality changed with weight loss. I say a little but I have mostly stayed the same. He does not like to even LOOK at my old pictures.

tara said...

Suzy_Q,

I think the skinny=anorexic assumtion is the same as the fat=lazy compulsive eater assumtion. Sometimes those stereotypes are true and sometimes not. I happen to know some skinny women who can eat me under the table and I know some fat women who need to eat more. I exercised 5 days a week at my heaviest (400lb) so certainly that stereotype wasn't true for me.

People use stereotypes because they are easy. You don't have to think to much, when your soul purpose is to find words to hurt the other person why complicate stereotypes with facts.

Tim said...

People can have personality changes during weight loss. An ex of mine lost 88 pounds on weight watchers and she was a completely different person, mentally. She was more assertive, confident, and just plain happy. We broke up for other reasons but since the weight loss she changed both body and spirit. So, it can happen and can be a positive, negative thing on a relationship if you are not an assertive person and picked her because she also wasn't, then all of a sudden she is.

Anonymous said...

Calling all Fat Americans: They are casting The Biggest Loser Season 4 NOW. Fatties McBlog - please please please please please.....

Anonymous said...

I was thin when I met my husband, gained 40lb over 5 years, and have lost it all again - he stuck by me the whole way, and his attitude toward me never changed, although he has since told me that he finds me more attractive now than when I was overweight. The thing I take issue with in this post is the idea of depending on something external (getting married) to motivate you to lose weight. If you never take responsibility for yourself, and make choices yourself to change, then you're not going to lose weight permanently. You have to understand why you eat so much and change those habits on your own. If you depend on the idea that you don't like eating in front of a boyfriend, you're just going to end up eating when he's not around.
Besides, how can you expect someone else to respect you when you can't respect your own body?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1.05: What sort of a weird person thinks being able to KO another girl is a Good Thing?
And what is so great about being able to lift 100 pounds as opposed to weighing that much? I mean, do what you want to do, but these are not valuable life skills, they're just pointless activities fit only for the socially challenged IMO.

suzy_q said...

And what is so great about being able to lift 100 pounds as opposed to weighing that much? I mean, do what you want to do, but these are not valuable life skills, they're just pointless activities fit only for the socially challenged IMO

Oh great, so in addition to being anorexic, now I'm "socially challenged" as well?

Anon @ 8.37, please don't write about things you don't understand.

Anonymous said...

Calling all Fat Americans: They are casting The Biggest Loser Season 4 NOW. Fatties McBlog - please please please please please.....

Get real! The McGees have repeatedly stated that they choose food over relationships. Why on earth would they want to - gasp! - submit themselves to a gruelling diet and exercise regime?

suzy_q said...

Just mulling over the previous comments about non-fat women being anorexic/bulimic/socially challenged...

As a former fatty, I have experienced fat discrimination first-hand, but it wasn't until I came here that I realised the level of hatred *some* fat women direct towards the non-fat. Thanks for opening my eyes.

Oh, and I won't be participating here any more. The level of abuse - both ways - has just worn me down.

Anonymous said...

Fatties... please... please... please... audition for The Biggest Loser. It may be the only way I'll ever get to see what you look like and to hear your acerbic wit. You could bill yourselves as "fat bbfs who are determined to change". And then when you beat out everyone else... it can be a grudge death match. And I would watch that shit fo shizzle.

Anonymous said...

bffs

Sandra said...

To Suzy-G,

Don't you know fat women stick together like a herd of cattle? They always say that it's not their fault that they're fat and that all skinny women are anorexic. There's much hatred and jealousy with fat women.

Anonymous said...

Anon 8:37,

Anonymous 1.05: What sort of a weird person thinks being able to KO another girl is a Good Thing?

Holy shit, are you really ignorant or just a really big moron?

What sort of weird person thinks being able to KO someone else is a good thing? Uh... people who enjoy being strong, obviously. The majority of men seem to take pride in the fact that they are strong enough to beat up other people, why should there be a double standard for women? Or, wait are you trying to say that woman being strong is a bad thing? The way you stated your question it sure as hell sounds like that!

And what is so great about being able to lift 100 pounds as opposed to weighing that much?

I chose to be able to lift over a hundred pounds rather than weigh a hundred pounds because I would be kind of grossed out at being able to see my hip bones. Plus, muscle actually has weight to it, so if I was one hundred pounds I'd also have no muscle mass. And thus, I'd be weak, which I don't think is something to be proud of.

...these are not valuable life skills...

And dieting myself into nonexsistance is a valuable life skill?

Shara said...

Fatties... please... please... please... audition for The Biggest Loser.

As if! The McGees revel in being fat and are unashamed about it. TBL wants fatties who want to change, not fatties who want another donut.

Anonymous said...

I met my boyfriend at my Goddaughter's school. I pick up my God daughter from school a few times a week and will often take a book to read while I wait for her, well one day he approached me to inquire about the book I was reading... He is the phycial ed teacher: Tall, beach boy handsome, amazing body of course. Several mommies were shamelessly after him! I'm a curvy girl who has never felt any less worthy than a thin sized girl and who has never feelt insecure in a relationship, but the fact that this super hottie athletic guy purused *me* of all people did startle me at first. On our dates I kept waiting for him to bring up my body type and/or I expected him to suggest an exercise or diet, but that never came up. I'm the one that brought up my weight and he actually admitted that he's never been with a plus sized girl before but that my curves "bewitched" (his word) him and he liked me just the way I was. Afterwards, he fell in love with me and my personality. I soon got over my surprise, we've been together for 6 months now, and loving every moment of it. :-)

Anonymous said...

When I met my husband, I felt good about myself but I was pretty much at my heaviest weight ever. Since then, we've gotten married and I've lost about 45 pounds (this is all over the course of about 10 years). Sometimes when we are looking at photos from when we first met, its a shock to me to see how much bigger I was, because I felt sexy although now I ask myself how that was possible. I think that it had a lot to do with him. When I ask him what he thinks about how I look now compared to then, he is a bit baffled. I think that while he can see the difference in a photo, in his mind, there really isn't that big of a change. He loved me then and thought I was hot and its the same now. Ultimately, someone who really loves you stops seeing the physical part of you, I think. Or atleast, thats not what they think of when they think of you. Its a good question though, because its the sort of thing that can really change the balance of a relationship.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1.06: so just because some neanderthal men feel their worth depends on their fight weight and their ability to injure others, that's somehow supposed to prove it's a worthwhile activity? And you're putting that forward as a feminist argument?!?

And if it's not OK to be proud of being thin, why is it OK to be proud of being muscular? At least being thin looks good. To have bulging muscles would gross me out far more than seeing the occasional bone.

But I agree with suzy_q, there certainly are some bitter and angry people on this blog with what seems to be a pathological hatred of anyone thin. So I won't be checking in again. Have a nice life.

Anonymous said...

you can love someone but lose a sexual attraction to them. Men's sexual attraction is primarily visual and often influenced by subconscious evaluations of health. This is why men are often not attracted to the anorexic look, and the fat women - because the waist-to-hip ratios are often off.

Heather said...

SuzieQ I am with you. This board has become ridiculous with the trolls and troll feeders. Just not worth it.

Sorry Lindsey and Emily....love the way you all write, but the comments section has gotten a bit too megative for my taste.

Anonymous said...

So, because you don't like the comments, you're going to stop reading this awesome blog and punish the girls who have nothing to do with the haters?

pudge said...

yeah, i'm with anon 3:27pm, i'm ignoring the haters, cause i love this blog.

also reading these comments, i'm focusing on all the wonderful women who have found wonderful men to support them, love them, desire them, no matter what their size.

it's so good to hear that others have also found their one true love and are in great relationships. those who are still single can hopefully take heart and know it's not impossible.

Anonymous said...

There are guys who prefer thin women, some who prefer larger women, and some guys who don't have a preference. I'm one of those who prefers larger women, and my fiance is 350 lbs and I'm very much in love with her as well as in lust with her bodacious bod. I know some women have a problem with guys who like fat women, but it's just a preference, like guys who like redheads or thin women, so get over it.
Anyway, if you're comfortable with your abundant curves, or are sure that you're gonna be like that always, why not find some guys who prefer you that way? Try bbwdatefinder.com or largefriends.com or any of the dating sites that will put you in touch with guys who appreciate large women.
If you plan on losing weight, put it in your ad copy so the guys who read it know your intention. I would think that you'd get a better response than to "find" a guy while you're shopping at walgreens. Unless you're an expert networker, it's probably the best way to get yourself out there to meet guys.
Good luck to you all. I've already met my goddess, and I wish you to meet the guy who'll curl your toes(the good way)

Rick said...

To be dreadfully honest with you, I have a feeling that if I met a fat woman and she lost weight after marriage, that'd put me off alot more than having her gain the weight. (as long as she doesn't drop under 165, I'll be happy =))

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to weigh in with my experience. When I met and became friends with my now fiance we were both overweight--but it never mattered. What mattered was that we spoke the same language, understood each other's jokes and wanted the same things. My weight has definitely fluctuated since we met (his has a bit too, but not as much). He's always made me feel beautiful and sexy as hell. I need to lose weight for health reasons, and I know he'll be cool with that too...he loves me. My heart. My kindness. My wit. My soul. And I love him--he's as big as he ever was and I'm attracted to him now, more than ever. I think it's because my love for him grows daily. The sex has always been great. I adore him and hearing about men who can't see past a few extra pounds on their partners--well, it just makes me realize again and again how blessed and lucky I am.

Anonymous said...

I was a size 24 when I met my DH, 26 when we got married, and I'm a 28/30 now. He loves me more than ever, and tells me that every day. Frankly, I don't see what he loves so much, but I'm glad he does! I'm the one who wants to lose weight, for my health, but he doesn't care either way. I actually wish he'd support me a little more, and stop offering me snacks!

Olivia said...

Hi there, I'm new to your blog. I want to testify that it is possible to meet and marry a wonderful man when you are fat. I was fat when I met my husband, and now, two years later, I'm trying to lose the weight. I understand why you would want to meet someone before you lose the weight. I thought I would have to be skinny to meet the right guy, but now I find it comforting that he has seen me at my worst (physically), love me, and is attracted to me. He never bothered me about my weight. When I told him I wanted to make changes to be healthy he hugged me and told me I can do, and that he'll be with me every step of the way. That kind of understanding and support is just one reason I married him.

Nikki said...

I totally know what you mean. I have always been a diet, I mean since I was like 7. When I met my husband I was at the skinniest I have been since 7th grade, I looked damn good let me tell you. I then proceeded to gain 40lbs in about 2 years. My husband is on the chubbier side also, maybe that's why he never cared. He always told me how good I looked at my biggest (i've lost about 20 lbs since) and even told me how my giant drumstick thighs looked sexy. I don't know what he sees but I think that's just love. You'll meet someone who doesn't see what we see in our own twisted heads when we look in the mirror, and he'll love you no matter what. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now. I'm at a round 320lbs and he's around 350lbs. He's always told me that he loves my curves and he loves how soft my body is. He actually used the term 'Rubenesque' to describe me. Recently, though, he's started working at a medical company and their regular check-ups have scared the living daylights out of him. So he said he wants us both to lose weight, but just enough to get healthier. He still wants me to have that adorable squish at my side when I lay on my side. It's -one- of his favorite places to put his hands when we cuddle. :)