Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Rant of the Day

I try to be very calm and cool most of the time, but last night was unbearable.

I have class from 4pm to 7pm and then from 7pm to 10pm. It's a pain in my ass considering I also have to go to work that day. I'm not asking for pity, but I am requesting that the skinny man in my 7-10 class stop eating Del Taco in front of my fat ass.

I have problems eating...I know, sounds strange, but I do. I basically starve myself a lot of the time...not on purpose. I'm usually on the verge of throwing up. I'm nauseous about, let's say, 70% of the time. It's a vicious cycle. I can't eat because I'm nauseous, but I'm nauseous because I haven't eaten. I've tried everything for it: Forcing myself to eat breakfast, drinking tea, ginger...whatever they have on the market, I've tried. I'm pretty sure it stems from my anxiety and therefore, that's how my body deals with it.

But, last night, after not eating since lunch time and around 9pm, this guy broke out Del Taco. I've never had Del Taco, but I've never seen such an amazing advertisement. This guy, who probably thought nothing of it, ate these tacos slowly and made them look amazing. And, I hated him. I hated him for being skinny. I hated him for being able to eat Del Taco in public and not worry what people think of him. I hated him because I was starving, but on the verge of throwing up as well.

I envied his skinny, Del Taco eating, non nauseous life.

12 comments:

mainja said...

i sometimes get that verge of throwing up thing too.

i've found a good way to start the day is with one of those shake things. ensure, or boost, or even a slimfast one. something that has a good chunk of vitamines and some reasonable protien and cab and fat ratios.

it's pretty easy to ingest and it helps keep you on track a bit more during the day.

but honestly, the main trick is to just eat regularily. i have an apple with cheese or a yogurt or something around 10:30, and i try to have something in the afternoon too.

i had to fight to get it under control because the thing is, it's really important to try and eat regularily 'cause otherwise you totally fuck your metabolism and it's bloody hard to get it back. also it can lead to hypoglycemia.

the bad news is that i didn't manage to get it into a regular anything until i finished school and had a bit more of a routine.

Regina said...

Yes, there's nothing like three meals a day and a snack in between each one. I never skip breakfast. When I'm feeling fine, I find a way to get those meals and snacks in, whatever it takes. I only go without food when I'm convinced I'm a failure. Again.

Dolley said...

I'm very familiar with that nausea; I'm also familiar with the I-can-eat-only-carbs-without-puking feeling that can arise as a result. I've discovered it seems to be because the glycemic index is in the process of screwing up; one of the ways to deal with it is to have some small bit of protein with the carb - if you have a biscuit, have a small piece of cheese with it to help balance the blood sugar. If you think of it as "better than most other medicines" rather than "what can I eat," that helps. I had a couple of fried eggs last night, with a couple of biscuits. I didn't want the eggs because of the hunger and nausea, but I knew I needed the protein - and I felt a whole lot better after I ate them. If you can keep some ham slices in the refrigerater, roll up a slice and eat one every couple of hours and see if that helps.

Butterfly said...

I'm right behind you. I can't eat shit without well, wishing I didn't. LOL. I always envy people who can eat anything they want, and be perfectly fine!

Anonymous said...

Instead of doing something unnatural to 'lose' some weight (like shooting water up your arse), how about some self control? Instead of giving in to fried foods, cheeseburgers, etc. then hating yourself for it, why not find another way to live? Find a passion to replace the comfort of food. Seriously, you can.

Regina said...

Except for when you can't.

Claudia said...

Hi!
(you have probably eard the kind of advice i'm going to give you... anyway... here goes.)

I also have nausea when i don't eat. The trick is have 3 complete meals and don't have your stomach empty for more than 3 hours, so you have to eat something in between. To avoid that feeling you should also eat a piece of fruit at breakfast with your bread or your cereals. Bread and carbs in general get your sugar very high but the efect is temporary, so some time later your feel sick and hungry, but fruit get your sugar in the right place and last longer. So, if you eat some bread or cereals and fruit you wont feel sick and you'll feel less hungry during the day. This was thaught by my grandfather's (he was a diabetic) doctour.

I stoped eating things i ate every day like butter, cheese, chocolates and junk food and lost weight. I was never a coke or drinks with gas drinker because i only drink water or tea (because i like it!). In fact i allways carry a bottle of water in my purse or backpack. I have never been what you can call obese or even fat (i think!!), but i had high choleterol and don't make exercise. I allways eat a big bowl of soup(water, vegetables and a spoon of olive oil!) before lunch and dinner, I avoid fried things and don't eat the fat of the meat or chinken skin (fish is very good where i come from, Portugal [no, it is not in Spain and it doesn't belong to Spain...]) and allways eat fruit. For snacks i allways have a yoghurt (thank God in my college the vending machines have yoghurts and not only bad things for you!)

I hope you try to stay healthy and transfer your anxiety for something healthier such as exercise or having long fast walks(i hate exercising, but enjoy walking).

all the best

Claudia

Anonymous said...

The fact that you HATE people who can eat anything... that's just envy. what's good about it?! "She's thin, i hate her!" like that changes anything... One person is different from one another. Just face the fact that you're not like that and deal with it, instead of crying and being angry over it!!! if food only serves you as confort than it's all wrong, food it's to feed you and help you to go throught your life the best way you can, but that doesn't mean you have to eat things you don't like. or maybe you just have to get used to eating healthy!
you can control what you eat, it's not like you're mentaly disabled or ignorant. Eating what's good for you is also an act of inteligence and balance. If you don't have the balance or can't control your impulses, why not look for professional help (nutricionist, therapy,...)?! WHY not?!

b happy!

Undine's Soul said...

I can totally relate! I have celiac disease and can't eat anything with gluten in it...no wheat, no barley, no rye! I am so envious of people eating pastries, I just want to scream! Nothing looks better than a cheese danish! I hate their gluten-tolerate, pastry-eating asses too!

tr1c14 said...

Hey, been there, and it sux. I have a tendency to let myself get too hungry, and then I feel like shit, and the only thing I can think of to eat is Taco Bell - never mind that there is healthy food closer, I have to walk all the way to Taco Bell, where I get a massive sugar/fat/salt endorphin rush that makes me feel good for half an hour, and then crappier than I did in the first place. (cure: more taco bell)

For me there are two keys:
1. snack all the time. I have all sorts of munchies in my desk. The trick is to remember to eat them.
2. If it gets too bad, eat really hot vegetarian curry. I don't know why it works, but it does.

Of course, from the bitching above you can probably tell I don't follow my own advice very often.
:-(

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone
If I get hungry and don't have time for a full meal, I will just toast two slices of rye bread and boil an egg lightly, slice it on the toast and use a little salt and pepper. That basically helps, as the carbs (which are healthy) and the protein work to keep me satisfied.

mainja said...

whoa, what's with the negative hate mail type stuff. good god. haven't they heard of 'if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all'?