Monday, August 21, 2006

Marry Me Duff Man

Because Lindsey got to confess her love for Jeremy Piven, and did so with my full support, (because I’d marry that man in a micro-second) I’m going to use our little blog to pimp myself to a man who, without knowing too much about him, I would marry if he simply just sent an email to me asking for me to do so. His name is Duff Goldman, and I call dibs on him.

I encountered Duff a while back when I was watching one of those amazing Food Network Challenges about cakes. I’m always one to pull for Colette usually, because she’s great and I’m a big fan. But this challenge was different because of a new contestant. A one Mr. Duff Goldman. His personality and ability to decorate cakes made me swoon and therefore, I shall use this time to pledge my love for him.

My secret crush on Duff extended into me watching many reruns of the same cake challenge. I think he did two or three of them, not quite sure, but I know I’ve seen them all about 3 times over. Yeah, I’m creepy.

Then, when I found out that he was getting his own show, Ace of Cakes, because there must be a lot of ladies out here who can’t get enough of him, I set my Tivo and waited for his shows to start piling up on my television set. And they did, and I fell into a much deeper crush.

These are the reasons I love Duff so much:

· He’s funny and gives high fives, which I’ve been trying to bring back in style for a while now.
· He can not only bake a mother f’ing cake, he can decorate the crap out of it
· He also cooks
· He uses power tools, and that’s super hot
· He’s Jewish
· He’s got a belly
· He’s got a shaved head
· He doesn’t hire anyone he doesn’t know...all of his employees are his friends.

So, let’s sum this up here: a nice Jewish boy, who can use power tools, bake and decorate a cake and that has a belly. Yeah, quite the panty creamer. I have these crazy daydreams where we’re getting married and he designs our wedding cake and it’s decorated in a theme of a time-line of our relationship together.

I’m just wondering if I will ever find a better match for a fat girl like myself. Can a fat girl find a better match than a chef/baker?? Something tells me I’m not going to marry a cake decorator. And that’s sort of sad for me. But, Duff, if you’re out there and you have a weakness for Jewish fat girls with mildly interesting jobs, who can apply their lip gloss like Molly Ringwald in the Breakfast Club, write to won’t be disappointed.


Anonymous said...


You make him sound adorable.

Heather said...

So is Ace of Cakes on Food Network? If so, when?! I always loved those cake challenges.

bloomie said...

never watched his show, but you're making me fall in love with him as well. I love bellies and bald guys and baking. And Jewish to boot! Wooh, I'm getting all hot and bothered without ever having seen his show.

GoBetty said...

Only toddlers kids do the high fives anymore.

Anonymous said...

actually gobetty, high fives are pretty dope

M.E. said...

Too funny and a very odd coincidence.

My wedding is in October and everything is in order but the cake. For months, I have been asking my brother, who is studying to be a chef, to find out who "that guy" was on the cake competitions on FoodTV.

See, I want an octagonal cake that insinuates at Jeffersonian architecture. And I had a feeling that "that guy" may be able to do it, because no one else will.

I hop on here to read the new post and POOF there is "that guy." So, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

HOPEFULLY, it will work out! I am calling the bakery tomorrow.

If it does, I will send you a slice if you want!


You made my day!

fatty mcgee said...

1. Congrats on your wedding!!
2. Yes, please send both Lindsey and I a piece of cake. We love cake.
3. When you call, don't be shy about mentioning where you found his name...maybe he'll read the blog, fall in love with me and we could have little Duff babies together.

Stephanie said...

I just watched Ace of Cakes for the first time this weekend, and I love love love it! I had a feeling you girls would too!!!

giggles said...

You’re intelligent, witty, and a phenomenal writer, how could he possibly resist you?
I love a bald guy with a belly too, people find that hard to believe! I am amazed by the art on both Collette, and Duffs cakes, never had the pleasure of watching either show.

Anonymous said...

i want to bring hi-fives back into fashion too! i've managed to get housemates doing them, but have yet to propagate them any further with any degree of success.

FatMom said...

You are SO freakin' funny! I love it!!!

M.E. said...

Oh don't worry. I will certainly drop your name, sister!


emily pound said...

like, how could he resist you? :-)

Anonymous said...

The "Top Gun"-style hi-fives should be what comes back.

Forget the boring old hi-five, add the swing down for a lo-five, so that it's all in one.

It seemed to work for Maverick and Ice Man.

Though not so much for Goose.

littlem said...

"Forget the boring old hi-five, add the swing down for a lo-five, so that it's all in one."

That is so vintage.

What's really in is "slap it, slam it, shoot it, kaboot it".

What? You all are running around drooling over chubby Jewish hotties and NO ONE has yet mentioned Jack Black?!

(Although one of my fave restaurants down at the LES has a new hot chef (although he is not Jewish, but that is OK 'cause I am not either); he said last visit that he was going to name a new dessert after me and the friend I went with. Yay! Wow! I must lose weight so I can go back more regularly.)

OK, I'm done yammering. But seriously ...
"there's no way you can stop ---

Laura Bora from Bufadora said...

I LOVE Jack Black with the white hot heat of a thousand suns.

I also love Ace of Cakes! I wish I was more visually talented so I could make my own gorgeously decorated cakes!


GoBetty said...

C'mon guys, not high-fives. Let's bring back The Potato.

Anonymous said...

What does that even mean gobetty? don't be a playa hater.

fat girl high fives are the best because you can see the arm fat jiggle

dusty said...

Yep, love the show and Duff!

dusty said...

Jack Black is so totally disgusting it's pathetic, ugh!

I had to post twice because I didn't even want their names mentioned together in one post, lol!

Anonymous said...

What ever happened when ME called his cake company???

Anonymous said...

Oh man, Jack Black is adorable. I cannot WAIT for the Tenacious D movie!!!

Anonymous said...

I saw Duff making out a club with a thin chick that had great boobies.

Anonymous said...


I never knew this site attracted eight year olds...

dusty said...

I saw another episode last night, the one where his 4 year old brother was helping make a birthday cake for their father. Cute! I love Duff's laugh.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, anonymous you're so immature. "Boobies," who says that anymore.

The mature name for them is "fun bags" or if you want to be scientific "titties."

Geez, grow up.

Jess said...

Ok, I love your blog. I've spent the past three days reading it. I love, love, love it. You guys should be forced to write every day so I can get my fix. I read your blog instead of snack at night. I love you guys for this.

And as a side note, I found your blog by typing, "I hate fatties" into google. I was curious to see the result, to be honest. Also, I use harsh words of annonymous people to motivate my own weight loss. Because I'm sick in the head. Very sick in the head.

Anonymous said...

Only hires people he knows? How limiting. This is the reason I won't watch him and won't order from him (I live in charm city). The best candidate should get the job and sorry just because they're your friends doesn't mean they're the best candidate.

Friggas Own said...

Eh. I like the guy who does Ham on the Street myself, dayamn is he cute.

Asha said...

Really random, but, it wasn't Molly Ringwald, was it?