Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Meet My Fat New Best Friend

I went to a wedding last weekend for a cousin that I don't ever see and who might weigh 98lbs. The wedding was nice, but, what I realized and saw was much better than any chocolate covered strawberries they were serving. (Tangent: Have you experienced the wonders of a chocolate fountain? I'm having one installed in my home ASAP). My cousin, all 98lbs of her, had a lot of fat friends. And, her fat friends had even fatter friends. And therefore, I'm giving up on dieting and, in turn, getting new, better, fatter friends.

Lindsey and I weigh the same, give or take 5lbs. So, when we're together, we're basically just two fat girls walking around. This is why I shipped her to New York. But, if I had a bigger, much fatter friend than me, I'd look awesome. Skinnykins almost. Sign me up!

Anyway, more about the wedding. It's safe to say that even the fat girls had fat friends...it was like fat girls in descending order. Each fat girl had a fatter girl to accompany her.

At one point, a girl who I would estimate to be around 210lbs started dancing. She was sort of shy about her dancing...until her bigger (I'd say around 315lbs) started dancing with her. Then, and I could tell because only another fatty can, that her self esteem was boosted because she knew she looked better dancing than the fatter friend that had started dancing right next to her.

This idea is pure genius. Therefore, I'm putting it out there that I'm on the hunt for a new, improved, fatter Lindsey.

And, to Lindsey: I'm sure you understand why I'm doing this. Maybe you could get a fatter friend and then, maybe I could see you again because we'd look skinny together compared to our newer, fatter best friends. Love ya!

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

How many girls were there that were fatter than you? I love counting other fatties. It's sick, but I do it all the time (in church, at the supermarket, etc). I LOVE having other fatter women around me, it doesn't make me feel better, but it does make me feel safer.

Jill said...

I always do the same, I check who is fatter than me all the time. But I feel slightly bad about it.

Anonymous said...

God, I usually laugh at your posts, but I found this one so sad. Not the having other fatty's around bit - that I understand completely. It's the pursuing a friendship with someone fatter than you just so you'd look smaller. That's disgusting, I say b/c I don't think you're really joking about that. If you get a fatter friend, what happens if she loses weight and you become the fatter friend that makes her look thinner? Gonna dump her? What is Lindsey lost 50 lbs, could you still be friends in the same way?

Anonymous said...

Anon Above:

I think she was joking and I don't think she's really looking for new friends nor would she ever dump Lindsey. Calm down.

Midknyt said...

You know, I did that same thing, kind of. I wanted to take an aerobic dance class, but didn't want to be the fattest girl in the class, so I talked my friend who weighs a little over 100 pounds more than me into taking the class so that I wouldn't be the fattest and wouldn't feel as dumb. She ended up having a lot of fun, so win-win situation.

And to be honest, the reason we became friends is we had a class together and were the only two decently fat ones in there, and I think that's why she started talking to me.

Anonymous said...

Even if she's joking, just the thought of using your friend for only your selfish needs isn't a nice idea at all.

I like what the first commentator said, about having other fat people around her makes her feel SAFER, and NOT better.

I didn't like this post very much. And this is my opinion, thank you.

smile will you? :]

Jen said...

Brilliant and hilarious!

Anon said...

"a new, improved, fatter Lindsey" cracked me up. As did "fat girls in descending order."

Sonoma-Samantha said...

I have noticed that comments on this blog are left by people who take things way too seriously and personally.

Chill out people.

Anonymous said...

To Anon a few posts above...don't you think we all have or use friends for our own selfish rasons?

buffpuff said...

don't you think we all have or use friends for our own selfish reasons?

What - like having a laugh with them, you mean? Expecting them to provide a shoulder to lean on when times get tough, listen to us droning on ad infinitum about about our relationships, or to keep our secrets?

Sorry to be po-faced about this, because I realise the piece was written in jest – but it does have a ring of semi-truth to it. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who used me as a stooge to make them look good.

Anonymous said...

everyone does this. skinny girls do this all the time. if you are 89 pounds you are all stoked to be at the pool with your fat friend who weighs 105.

Creature said...

Perfect! Wait. Finding someone fatter could be a bit of a challenge... :/

Oh well. I'll have to settle for having shorter friends instead of fatter ones!

Obesio said...

When I was hitting the bars and clubs, I used to bring along a poor friend with a tiny penis. Was that wrong?

Anonymous said...

"What - like having a laugh with them, you mean? Expecting them to provide a shoulder to lean on when times get tough, listen to us droning on ad infinitum about about our relationships, or to keep our secrets? "

EXACTLY!!!!

All of those reasons seem sort of selfish if you look at them in the right light. I'm sure these girls wouldn't pick someone to be friends with just because they are fatter than they are, but it might be a factor in their choice, just like anything else. We pick the people who surround us, and most of the time they are for selfish reasons, and that's just the way it is.

But I think she was joking none the less.

Laura said...

In any case, I think we have all had this thought before. And we are all human. Regardless of how we see ourselves, we find fault. And we look for others who are less attractive, or have worse faults. This is a fact of life. It does not mean that these percieved faults are real, nor does it mean that it is the only reason we want the other person around. Everyone needs to have a comfort blanket of some kind. If that means your friends (regardless of how you chose them) then keep your friends close.

Laura said...

In any case, I think we have all had this thought before. And we are all human. Regardless of how we see ourselves, we find fault. And we look for others who are less attractive, or have worse faults. This is a fact of life. It does not mean that these percieved faults are real, nor does it mean that it is the only reason we want the other person around. Everyone needs to have a comfort blanket of some kind. If that means your friends (regardless of how you chose them) then keep your friends close.

PastaQueen said...

If you get a chocolate fountain installed in your house you should start selling tickets to come visit. Yum!

I had a friendship in high school where I was totally the fatter girl. She was completely weight obsessed and I'm sure she loved having a friend who was fatter than her. I didn't mind though since I was just using her to get free movie tickets. Um, only half kidding about that last part.

emily pound said...

I have to admit, nasty as it sounds, I have wanted to befriend women who were larger than me many times, precisely so that I would feel more attractive and better about myself. I have also done this with women who were not as pretty as me (I'm not saying I'm gorgeous or anything, I just mean women who were not as attractive as me, whether they were thin or fat) for the same reason.

I know it sounds bad, but I would find it pretty difficult to be an honest, non-bitchy talk-about-her-behind-her-back friend with a gorgeous thin girl. Could never happen. I'd be dissing her every chance I got, probably, out of jealousy.

Marly said...

I'm guilty of this. When I'm feeling down I hang out with this 170 lb girl.

It's a hugely bitchy thing, but we end up having fun together.

Anonymous said...

Yum... chocolate fountains at home are wicked fun (http://www.ekitchengadgets.com/ststchfocf.html). Although I suspect you'd burn out the motor if you left it running for hours on end.

Kate said...

When I was hitting the bars and clubs, I used to bring along a poor friend with a tiny penis. Was that wrong?

That is so wrong on so many levels! I'm sitting at my computer laughing my fat ass off.

Regina said...

Me, too. Obesio, you are hilarious.

littlem said...

Obesio -

aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!!!

Talk about laying out all sides of the issue.

When you do improv I will be in the front row laughing like a maniac.

whatevah said...

Sorry to be po-faced about this, because I realise the piece was written in jest – but it does have a ring of semi-truth to it.
All humor is based on truth. If it wasn't a little bit true, it wouldn't be funny. Another well done piece, Fatty!

BBWInTheCity said...

I have a really pretty friend. And I think she does this to me, lol.

Anonymous said...

I hate fat people i think they make the worl an ugly place. you people should control your eating and get off your fat asses. ugh

Kate said...

I hate judgemental people. I think that they make the world an ugly place. They should just get off their high horses and accept that not everyone is the same and that's not a bad thing. We're drowning in high horse poop, here.

Anonymous said...

this makes me happy i am 150lbs 5'7 i am fat. i need to lose weight. reading this makes me feel like a supermodel. thanks for making my day. xx

Anonymous said...

i wouldnt want to have a fat friend cus i would feel fat. cus ur friends reflect ur personality. i like skinny people.

Kate said...

Well, if your friends refect who you are, your friends must be willfully ignorant. It's a curable condition, but unfortunately, those who suffer from it generally refuse treatment.

randomfatgirl said...

ROFLMAO Kate!! I've got to use that line on my husband...HA! :)

littlem said...

"Well, if your friends refect who you are, your friends must be willfully ignorant. It's a curable condition, but unfortunately, those who suffer from it generally refuse treatment."

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Maulleigh said...

I have a large friend, but I don't spend time and energy hanging out with her and emailing and calling her just because she's larger than me and makes me look good!! That's crazy. I do like larger women because I know that they've been around the block a billion times just like me and they're not perfect and tend to be more honest and just plain COOLER than "regular" women.

Haystacks said...

I Love having fat friends. Skinny friends can't relate on so many levels. Unil you are a fat girl , you can't relate to being a fat girl.

Jiggles said...

Fatter friends can be a blessing and a curse. They can make you feel light and as fragile as a feather, or they can make you eat even more than you normally would because it is still less than what they are eating.

Whether they are a blessing or a curse, fatter friends are better than skinny friends because to them you are the fatter one they use as a measuring stick, or the infamous ego boost.