When you're single, it's always hard when your best friend finds love. Sure, we're happy our friends have found a bit of happiness, but we're also, (come on...face it) pissed off. It's a scary mixture of jealousy, fear, and anger that can make you, an overall happy person, not so damn perky. And I am no stranger to this feeling. Actually, being the fat friend often leaves you the third, over-sized wheel on a bicycle built for two. I'm sure all girls have gone through this, regardless of their size, but for me, a fat girl, it seems like it would be harder because us fat girls have been taught from an early age that skinny girls get the boys and fat girls don't. I'm not saying this is Gospel or 100% factual, because it's not...but it sure feels that way a lot of the time.
Case in point: Laura (Previously mentioned skinny friend who obsesses about her tinykiness)
Laura has a boyfriend. Laura met this boyfriend about 3 years ago when I, too, was seeing someone. I was all for meeting this new boyfriend of hers. It would have been the first time we were both in relationships concurently. We could double date! But we never actually got to meet. As fast as her relationship soared, mine drowned. And I went into a "I hate men" phase that, if you haven't noticed, I'm still basically in.
Laura would come over and talk about her new boyfriend while I stewed in misery, but I'd still meet this guy...I had nothing against him...yet.
One day Laura went on a diatribe while discussing her weight. I usually tune this BS out because it's not that interesting and pretty offensive, but I heard her say something that put me in shock...she told me that her "super hot" boyfriend told her to never get fat. He had recently told her that her ass looked big and that she should never get pregnant because she'd get fat and how horrible that would be.
I had heard enough.
So, it's been almost three years and I have never met this boy. I refuse. I know, I sound crazy, but I can't help myself. I know this guy hates fat girls and while Laura puts up the fight that:
1. He really doesn't
2. He's seen pictures of me...he knows I'm fat, so what's the difference?
I still won't do it. It's not like going out in public where everyone might hate fat people but it's okay out in the world because thankfully, we can't hear the voices in others heads, (at least I hope not). This is hatred that I know about. It's a judgement that I can actually feel because I know it's there. And I won't put myself through that. Because it's okay for me to judge myself and hate myself for being fat...but, it's not okay for him to.