Monday, February 27, 2006

Shakin' That Ass

A little while ago I told you all about Bill, my co-worker who's very large. I also told you that Bill was solving his fat problems by drinking shakes and eating one meal at night. Finally, I told you how much this bothered me and how much I wish he'd get off the shakes.

Bill's a really nice a guy...almost a father figure to me in the office, but during this shake fiasco Bill has been anything but nice. He's cranky, ornery, and pretty much miserable to be around. I'm no mathematician, but I know what this equation is:

Bill + Shakes = One unhappy fat man.

My co-worker noticed this too...so much that he emailed me to ask what was wrong with Bill. I wrote back "Shakes". Something had to be done.

After one of Bill's angry episodes my co-worker and I told Bill flat out that these shakes were not only making him miserable, but they were making us miserable, too. Bill took this information in stride and then asked what we should have for lunch. I've never been so relieved.

A couple days latter Bill's wife called. We've always been chummy and talked a little bit, but this time she asked me if Bill was still drinking his shakes. I didn't know what to do, so I did the thing I do best, I lied about food. Yes! Of course he's still doing the shake thang, and loving every moment of it. I'm not letting this woman know that part of the reason her husband is still a sumo wrestler is my fault.

I don't know how long I'm going to have to keep this charade up, and I wonder how long it's going to take his wife to realize that Bill is, in fact, not dieting whatsoever. My thoughts? Bill will go down as the only man in history to "cut" his calories down by 3/4 and still not lose weight.

24 comments:

Anne said...

LOL Poor Bill. How ca anyone be happy when they are not eating "real" food?

littlem said...

Wait a mo. I'm a little lost. Can't Bill have both a shake AND some salmon and green veggies (with Paul Newman dressing of course; just don't drown the salad in the stuff) for lunch?

Then 1) Bill gets food and 2) you don't have to lie.

~loveme~ said...

fat and happy or anorexic and miserable...
i know what ive picked!!!

Anonymous said...

Damn you fatties! One blog entry in 5 days. You got me hooked and now you put us on a starvation diet!
No offense by the way, I'm composed of 50% fat.

ps - shakes don't work :(

Nana said...

I can't believe his wife wanted you to bust him!! Poor man. It isn't bad enough that he was living on shakes but his wife expects you to drop the dime on him? CRAZY!

Christi Nielsen said...

So now you've been appointed the food police!

littlem is right. I've done the shakes before, and you can have one regular meal.

Laura Bora from Bufadora said...

I'm usually sweetness and light but I swear I was the gnarliest foulest hag on earth when I was doing Medifast. Not only did I have swampbreath from ketosis but I hated the whole world.

Even my churchlady mother said, "Laura Bora from Bufadora, you are being such...a...B-WORD!"

After about two monts of that nonsense I went and got myself a chicken parmigiana grinder that I STILL think about because it was like heaven on earth after two monts of the deepest pits of hell.

I am losing weight now, but I'm being sensible and eating food I like. I won't do that "short-cut" masochistic bullshit ever again.

Poor Bill...there's better ways if he really wants to lose weight.

Amy said...

Maybe he could switch to a shake for dinner and lunch with you guys.

Let his wife deal with shake bitchiness!

GoBetty said...

Babes, please keep writing.

GoBetty said...

Also, please do a full entry about that Dianne chick Fat Camp web site link thing. I think people don't notice that hilarity in the comments so much.

randomfatgirl said...

Am I the only one who couldn't stand Dianne?? LOL And, I feel so sorry for Bill... :(

~loveme~ said...

Hey all!! I have been on a diet for like... 6 weeks now, and i just started my diet blog to help me keep it up! I would love if some of you all who are on this train with me would send some love my way!! Its so hard doing it alone!!

Spider63 said...

I imagine that you have read or heard about the woman who claims that she fed her daughter french fries every day at McDonalds for two years and now she is suing McDonalds because her daughter has all kinds of physical and mental problems?

floradoragirl37 said...

I can't believe that someone would do that to her kid???I think that's child abuse!
McDonalds has been sued because of their food products being unhealthy and loaded with trans fats...they are now being sued again because they lied about how many trans fats are in their fries.
They tried to pass it on that their food was nutritious, but had to retract that by the courts because it was a flat out lie.
Also, they treat their animals in an inhumane way, and were also cited for abusing their animals.
I can't believe that a responsible parent would do this to their child.
I hate McDonalds and all it stands for. It makes people unhealthy and clogs their arteries.
***just my rant***
If you want more info, watch the documentary "McLibel".

Anonymous said...

Yesssss, it's all McDonald's fault for not telling people that their food wasn't the healthiest in the world. No personal blame at all for those who were forced to eat there every day.

Litigious Blob: "I was eating fifteen Big Macs a day, and no one told me they were bad for me. Then I woke up one day and noticed that I was 400lbs! Someone's to blame, and it sure as hell isn't me! Let's sue!"

People need to take some goddam responsibility. If you've got a mental capacity exceeding that of a potato then you KNOW that McD's is shitty junk food that you should only eat a couple of times a year. Saying "they said it was only 14,000 calories per burger, and in fact it's 15,000!" doesn't get you off the hook - unless you're retarded you KNOW it's unhealthy. It's the weak leeches in society who want to palm off all blame on the business instead of having some self respect and taking responsibility for their own choices.

GoBetty said...

Oh my good god, how I love McDonald's. Fries, coke, cheeseburger, chicken tenders (where did they go?), and of course, all hail the Big Mac.

Anonymous said...

sound like you may be sabotaging whatever methods bill may be trying to make to lose weight. are you jealous because at least he is trying? I dont agree with the liquid diet either but desperate people do desperate things.

floradoragirl37 said...

Once again, my comment has angered someone.
Mc Donald's was also cited for targeting children. Remember Grimace, Mayor McCheeze, and the rest of the loveable mcdonalds clan, they had to be removed because they targeted young children who would then cry and whine to their parents they want to go to McDonalds.
I am not taking the responsibility off of the person who eats burgers every day, but if we are told one thing by a company, and they really are lying, they should be also held responsible. BTW: Their fries were far worse than they claimed them to be. Not just a little.
If you want to know more about mcdonalds, I recommend you watch the documentary called "McLibel". It unmasks the real ugliness behind mcdonalds. I never liked the food, and now I don't care for their practices, either.
Jennie

Anonymous said...

THAT, is the funniest thing I've ever read. Thank you!

Terri said...

That cracked me up! I don't know how I stumbled in here but I'm glad I did. I was fat. Then I wasn't. Now I am. But, now I'm old. Old and fat. Gawd, that's bad huh? Love so many things here - Jay rocks!

Terri said...

Re: Arkanfat or North Fatolina...I wish I could say "what the heck are you girls talking about" but I still do the same thing. I now live in an area, I'm married to a terrific guy, but live near an old love. I mean a LOVE LOVE, right? So, I haven't seen him in - oh, what, like, 20 years...but when we were together I was so cute. And, of course, thin. I STILL, to this day, panic at every trip to the bookstore or grocery. If I run into him and he calls my name I've already decided I will deny it's me!! He was gorgeous and one of those men who most likely still is. I've even told my husband when we moved to this area about 6 months ago "if I suddenly deny my name go along with me!" He's a great guy so of course he agreed. You'd think it would take a whole lot less effort to just lose the weight huh? WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING??? PS: Sometimes I just want ice cream sandwiches for dinner.

z. said...

To anonymous above: Maybe Bill is sabotaging the whole office with is crankiness that way no one works efficiently and they will close and th state economy will go down and US will be taken over by raw fih eaters. Don't ya think?

weirdo, if you are going to say things like that, at least have the balls to give your name.

LME said...

One of my coworkers is on some ridiculous-ass starvation diet where he only eats hay or something. He swears he's lost 12 pounds, but I don't see that gut getting any smaller, because he's not doing any exercise. He and his partner are also "foodies" (gack), so I know that eventually he will dive face first into a gigantic plate of very expensive cheese-covered pasta very soon, and then his 12 pounds will be back with some of their friends. I shouldn't engage in this kind of schadenfreude, but I'm doing it the goddamn right way (which is slow going), and I guess I'm just pissed he lost the 12 pounds in two weeks. Plus he's a coworker, and I secretly hate them all.

Starla said...

Poor Bill, I hope he see's that thinness (or attempt at thinness) does not always bring you happiness.

Terri, I've run into a past Love Love and it wasn't that terrible. We were high school sweethearts and since then I have gained weight and he hasn't changed a bit. The only thing that kind of sucked about our meeting was that he was still a bit bitter over the whole break-up. Hello! We broke up in 1998!