Thursday, February 09, 2006

Like Sausage

There is something about jeans that are a fat girls best friend and worst enemy. Jeans, the right jeans, look good on about anyone. For this, I am grateful because jeans are my fashion staple. But, if there is one thing I hate about jeans, regardless if they are stretch or not, is putting on a freshly washed pair of jeans.

I go to great lengths to not have to wash my jeans, but, in the end, they get to a certain point where they are just way too stretched out, and that's just not flattering. What is a fat girl to do? Sadly, when I finally wash my jeans it will take me a couple of days of considering to wear them in order for me to actually put them on again. And I know what's in store for me when I finally squeeze into them and I know what I have to do.

I have a couple of solid strategies as to how to make this freshly washed jean syndrome less of a problem.

First, the squat.

I can't take full credit for the squat, for my mother taught me and I will, one day, teach my own daughter, (if I ever have one), the very same thing. When I have finally buttoned my jeans, I grab hold to something sturdy, and slowly squat down and stay there for a good "10 Mississippi's". This usually does the trick in making the transition from totally uncomfortable to mildly uncomfortable.

My second strategy, and this is simply for moments where I don't have a lot of time and I need to be lookin' good. For me, it's all in the legs. I would actually prefer that the legs of my jeans stay at tight as possible and that only the waist area loosen up, but that's never going to happen, even in this modern world of ours. So, instead, I take my jeans that have been stretched out for days and simply soak the legs in water and then place then in the dryer. This actually works about 90% of the time and leaves the waist loose, but the legs tight; a beautiful combo.

It's amazing how the right pair of jeans can affect your mood. Today, I actually feel that my jeans have reached the end of their wearing and must be washed in order for me not to look like gangsta. And so the cycle will repeat...

Ed. Note: I, Emily, personally wear Gap Long and Leans, Size 20, which they have available on their website only, because heaven forbid The Gap actually sell their larger sizes in the stores and make the skinny folk feel uncomfortable.

20 comments:

~loveme~ said...

HAA HAA!!!
I do the same thing!! although i have never tried the leg thing!!
I love it!!

you know who said...

I do the same thing. I hate jeans...rather I hate how hard it is to find a good pair of jeans. I need some custom made ones I think.
What brand/style do you wear?

Sue said...

There's nothing worse than that feeling when you spill pasta sauce on freshly washed jeans, knowing you'll have to wash them and then streetch them again!

Christi Nielsen said...

Can you not just hang them up and air dry?

That works for me. Then I don't have to wear dirty jeans.

Anonymous said...

I found out that if you wear stretchy jeans, you wash them with loads of softener and dry them at medium temperature the discomfort is practically gone!

Laura Bora from Bufadora said...

I'd like to wage a complaint against Lame Giant, purveyor of fat girl jeans. I have two pairs of jeans from about five years ago that I still wear on the regular because they are PERFECT! EVEN out of the wash.

They might cup the lower pannus a bit, but overall the waist is the right size, the material wraps oh-so-gently around the thighs and the flare at the ankle is perfect. They even came in petite so my short ass self didn't have to hem or fray the cuffs.

MY PROBLEM: LB doesn't make them anymore. All the jeans they offer these days are either wildly embellished with sequins or embroidery which I am not interested in, and the "plain" jean staples are all "stretch" which leads to my complaint. When I take them out of the dryer the wasitband bites into my flesh causing red rings around my midsection. Then the waist gets nice and lose after a wearing or two, but then I get saggy butt. It's not flattering to have flaps of denim underneath your buttocks even if you DO have something of a shelf-booty for a white girl.

I also do the squat because I am old enough to remember jeans being so tight one had to use pliers to pull up the fly before going to the RollerDisco. Even skinny girls had to do the squat.

I wish they'd bring back Ye Olde Stiff Non-Stretch Bootleg Comfy Waisted jeans.

Anonymous said...

fabric softener
and line (or hang) dry.

Keep the drying machine out of the picture.

tszuj said...

you need The Waistband Stretcher!

http://www.kugo.com/product_waistband_stretcher_inchmaster.htm

Cecily said...

What you need is Downy's Wrinkle Releaser. Mist the jeans with it, then do the squat, and they become perfect. If you want waistband instead of legs stretched, just spray the waistband. And for REALLY tight jeans, soaking them with the stuff does the trick.

Trust me, I know, because I am fat AND pregnant. I need all the stretch I can get.

T. Comfyshoes said...

And here I thought I was the only fattie who has a problem with stretch jeans. Good to know I'm not alone!

Kelly said...

Yes, I am so mad at Lame Giant for doing that! I have been hanging on to my old size 18s from there hoping I can fit back into them soon, because they were perfect. The new jeans suck.

Christi Nielsen said...

Rollerdisco! Laura - that made me laugh out loud. I couldn't even bend over to tie my skates. haha

littlem said...

Gap Longs are HOT. I always get hit on when I wear them, no matter which of the three sizes (depending on how bloated I am and whether I've been working out) I wear.

Plus, they're easier to do the "strech-out squat" in - a basic tenet of post-wash jeans maintenance, no matter what size one wears. Hee hee.

I so love this blog. Always cheers me up, no matter how bizarre a day I've had.

The Fat Girl said...

Hey! We wear the same jeans, same size, and have the same problem with them! The legs: perfect. The ass: divine. The waistband: torture device built for squeezing the rolls and making the curves look like a shoebox.

Jeans twins!

I will take your washing tip.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to find the right pair of jeans even when you're average weight. I am size 12 to 14 (I think that's actually size 10 to 12 in American sizing) and I HATE jeans shopping. I am not fat - maybe a five pounds overweight - but I hardly ever buy pants because if they fit in the waist I probably can't get them past my thighs. If you find the perfect pair of jeans then they're worth hanging on to, believe me. Mine are Dolce & Gabbana and I got them secondhand in a charity store for the equivalent of about $25. When I first got them a few months back I had to lie down to get the zip done up and wear them with a long shirt but now they fit so either they've softened up or I've lost weight or both. I agree that jeans should be air-dried. Clothes driers are incredibly bad for the environment and also rough on your clothes - I never use them. I live in a flat so I don't have an outdoor clothesline but the clothes concertina works fine.

K said...

Word, Anonymous just above - I have the exact same problem as you, and I've solved it by getting boys' jeans. Which sounds ludicrous, but boys' jeans aren't trying to be tight over the thigh, and because if I was actually a man I'd have bizarrely big hips and short legs, I can almost always find the right size at a bargain price on the Gap sale rack. They look just like regular bootcut jeans once they're on and if you want to preserve the life of your D&Gs I'd really recommend getting some.

They also have much bigger hip pockets than girls' jeans, which I think is an advantage.

Shelly said...

I agree. Boy jeans *rock*. I love my guy pants. They fit so well and don't choke off your waist.

Jan said...

I don't like jeans or pants at all. I wear jeans, but I don't think I look good - and even when I was a really small size, I've never thought I looked good in jeans or pants. I'm all about the skirt.

I think it is something to do with the size of my hips. Even when I was so thin my face was drawn, my hips are not in proportion with my body. I don't know. I've given up. I buy stretch jeans and wear them when I'm gardening or stuff like that, I wear skirts the rest of the time.

Anonymous said...

gotta love the 10 mississippi's squat. But take the hint to SLOWLY squat. At i did not and split my pants.

*sigh*

Annette said...

I love the pair of 7 jeans I bought last summer. Since they're not available here in Europe, during a recent visit to the US I decided to stock up. And in the same size one pair was too small, one just right and one too big. Basically 'Goldilocks and the three pairs of jeans' (Except I'm not blonde)
I'm just glad I didn't order them online as they cost between $80 and $90 for a pair.