I feel oh so petty and lame for even writing this post. The fact that I just returned to my apartment it's 1:15am, and I am possessed to write this about this insignificant event (instead of complaining to Emily because she is in class!) is so bothersome. But, it did force me to admit that I am so completely ashamed of so much about my life.
So, "what the fuck happened"?, you may ask. Well, I walk into my apartment and what do I find waiting by my bedroom door? Nothing but a package with a gigantic Lane Bryant sticker staring up at me! Yeah, shouldn't be a big deal. Shouldn't mean anything, and yet it really pissed me off, and yes, embarrassed me.
I mean, my flatmates know I'm fat. They see me everyday. They are well aware that I am not a tinny speck of womanhood. But now they know that I don't buy clothes at "normal" stores. And somehow the worst part is that I didn't even get any clothes this time! I happened to get 3 amazing "plunge" bras which I am currently pretty stoked on. However, I do not need the UPS man, the door man, the front desk man, and my flatmates knowing that I shop at The LB.
I am sort of pissed that they put their sticker on their box. I feel like I ordered kiddie porn and it was delivered with a picture of a naked Dakota Fanning glued to the top. I felt that level of shame and embarrassment for a second.
Does anyone else feel that way? When I shop at The LB stores I will take the clothes out of the shopping bag they give you and stuff them in my purse. I will cut out labels of fat girl clothing stores out of my clothes. I have actually lied about where I bought a pair of pants...
How am I supposed to accept myself or have an inkling of self esteem when my self image can be shattered by a medium size brown box with a blue and white sticker on it?