Thursday, November 17, 2005

Even Mo' Complaining

The other night I got fed up. I had put a craigslist ad up and didn't get the results I wanted. I did it mostly for fun, but I also really wanted to see what was out there. Crap...that's what was out there. Then I got curious. What if I had put up a personal ad for someone just like me, but skinny. What would happen if, let's say, I put that I was 5'7, 130lbs? What am I exactly missing out there in the world because I'm fat?

At first I was happily surprised. I was more attracted to the men that wrote me when they knew I was fat. This was, I must say, a nice, little, relief.

Then a few days passed and I got a random email. The name was actually familar so I opened the email right away. And I was right, I did know this person. He was actually a friend of my brother's from elementary and high school. And he fit every desire I could have wanted in a man writing me off the internet. But, that was the problem, he wasn't writing me. He was writing thin me, and she doesn't exist.

Besides the fact that he could stand to gain a few for me to really think he's 100% drool worthy, it just made me sad. When I told Lindsey about it she said I was crazy. But, I can't stop thinking about it. I knew this guy, he was nice, cute (one of my first crushes when I was around 13), smart, Jewish, a perfect guy to take home, because, well, he's already been to my home.

Am I really missing out on fabulous men because I'm fat? Maybe. I can live with that. Although, I must say, Matt, if you're reading this because you secretly adore BBWs, but haven't met the right one, email that skinny girl from craigslist again, she's me!

34 comments:

erin said...

Sorry to be clueless, and I can basically pick up the meaning from context, but... what's BBW stand for? Just curious.

Anonymous said...

It stands for Big Beautiful Woman and it is a catch all for fat women on the dating scene.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about your lousy experiences -- I wish I had more advice than to keep trying, but I really don't, haha.

I'm sure you'll find that Jewish doctor someday, though! Just keep looking.

Anonymous said...

No, you are not missing out on fabulous men because you are fat. They are missing out on fabulous you. Don't waste your time on men that choose women by their weight.

Anonymous said...

This is a reply to the previous comment...

You are missing out on fabulous men because you are fat.

I think you are sort of kidding yourself if you think you will be able to find a man who doesn't chose a woman at least in part base on her weight.

I am sure a few men like that exist, but in this society, almost any man you meet will take a woman's weight into serious consideration in whether or not to date her.

You most likely wont get a young successful doctor, but good luck anyway.

floradoragirl said...

I have to disagree a hundred percent with the above "yet again, anonymous" (UgggggHHH what rock do some of these anonymous jerks crawl out from under, and how do we send them back?)
I have always been a larger woman, and have always been very successful in dating. I have never had difficulty landing a man, and I am currently engaged to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. The fact that he is missing out on you is true.
Don't let ignorant comments like the person above to make you feel bad about who you are.
In this world, we have many different people of all shapes, sizes and looks. There is no one "correct" look. We are all attractive in our own way.
If the fellow you are interested in doesn't bite, then let him go and look for someone else. There are so many nice, wonderful cute and funny guys who love bbw's. I have a good friend who dates them exclusively and has a wonderful girlfriend himself. He is an awsome guy, and Ive known him since childhood.
As for "anonymous" above me, shame on you for being a coward and discriminating. I suggest that you find a blog for anorexics. You may find some comfort there.
Shame on you!

Anonymous said...

I met my fiancé when I was around 190 pounds, which I thought was enormous at the time. He's always told me I'm beautiful (though I don't think I am...) Over the years, I've met all his ex-girlfriends, and I'd say they go from size 4 to 16. Tall, short, totally different-looking, no pattern at all.

So there are some guys who don't have a strong 'type'. I don't know how common they are, but don't despair!

Adalmin said...

The anonymous guy who dissed you? Ignore him. He's a bug.

These kinds of bugs have never been yelled at, never been smacked as a kid, never been told to respect other people, never been throttled or punished in any other way for his abusive way of thinking.

As if we women need to conform to what men think is the "ideal woman" shape! The nerve!

Give me five minutes with him and a good headlock and he's history.

Christi Nielsen said...

If they're emailing you because you're thin, then they're not that fabulous.

MidknytOwl said...

I think it's internet dating, no you being fat.

For example, if I met a nice person at random, and we met, talked a lot, and really had a vibe going and kept up a relationship that eventually developed into something more. Then down the road I learn he/she has some habits that I did not like, it would be easier to get over them because I knew the person.

If I was searching online for a date, I can see a lot more about them, without any personal connection, and read that bad habit right up front and decide they are horribly wrong for me. Then I don't reply. It's entirely different.

Case in point: my husband has a 9 year old daughter, and I've never wanted kids (neither did he, but that's a long story). He also has no plans on going to college. (I'm addicted to college and want to be a professor, so this is odd for me.) If I had come across him online, I never would have replied - he is definately not "my type." But we met through a mutual friend and have been together for four years (married for two months).

I think with online dating, you are missing out on things because of your size. A lot of guys either don't know they like the biggger ladies, or don't really know what a weight or clothing size really looks like. (i.e. if you say you weight 200 pounds, they're probably picturing Jaba the Hut, even though you might be a 12 and the same size as everyone else they've gone out with).

I say call Matt up and say you just wanted to get reconnected, without any mention of the internet. Then after sparks fly, as he will fall in love with you, you can bring up the internet thing and have it be a really funny private joke. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm the 7:48 Anonymous and the Anonymous that posted in response to my comment is exactly the type of person I was talking about. They are people who choose their relationships based on (in large part) size, hair color etc. My point was that you are not missing out if these people don't show an interest in you. They are limiting their world to people that fit some image in their mind and they are missing out on some really interesting, wonderful people. I feel sad for them, they don't know what they are missing. Sorry, I don't have a Blog, so I'll have to stay anonymous... but at least I'll signed it this time... :) ~ Erika

Anonymous said...

Well, she was saying that she prefers large men, so she's "missing out" too, no? No, I think it's called having a type, and most people do have one. So spare me the bull about inner beauty. I didn't hear anyone complain when she was saying that she prefers large men, and when some guy didn't do the trick because he was too scrawny. Perfectly ok. The girl has preferences. Same for people who prefer normal weight people. (Lindsay & Em. this is not an attack on you)

Anonymous said...

LindsEy, sorry

Mindy said...

Sad, but true! It's like putting a skinny, pretty girl in a fat suit and seeing how differntly people treat her. She's suddenly not so appealing, even with a "pretty face". It's like she's suddenly oddly deformed or something. On another note, I say NO, you don't have to be thin to attract a desent man! I thought that for a while too. I ended up with a guy I'd been friends with for 5 years. I hung around w/ him and many of his skinny little girlfriends throughout those years. I'd always thought he was sexy, and sweet. and would make someone very happy one day. Low and behold...it was me!!!
Don't give up on decent ones just yet.

Mindy said...

Whoa!!! I just had to add something for that lovely anonymous comment above. I think that he/she really are not speaking for men everywhere. What a glass half empty comment that was anyway! I've never been a skinny girl, and I've never had a problem meeting or finding a guy to find me attractive!!! So, note to "anonymous"...Don't be bitter!

Anonymous said...

I think we just have different perspectives. I love reading this blog, but I feel like I've started an argument, which was not my intention, and for this, I apologize. ~ Erika

anonymous 1:45(this is getting confusing) said...

Mindy, I din't say you had to be thin to "attract a decent man". I just said that certain people prefer skinny girls, and I hate it when people jump at me when I say that. Just like f. mcgee prefers heavy men. That's it. Just a question of preference.
As a side note, where did you get that I was bitter?!?!

MidknytOwl said...

Just as a note to the annonymous' out there:

If you choose "Other" as an identity, you can put in a name. You don't have to add a website. That's why mine says MidknytOwl instead of Annonymous.

still ANONYMOUS said...

no shit. what a revelation! by the way, anonymous takes only one N

Erika said...

Thanks Midknytowl,
I have done a lot of commenting on blogs so far, so I didn't know how it worked. :)

floradoragirl37 said...

I think most of us have an "ideal" when it comes to the looks of a partner, but I just think its a bummer if someone chooses a mate solely on that alone.
I think that these girls will meet the men of their dreams if they put themselves out there and have self confidence. Just like all of us. Initially, we may not feel immediate attraction to someone we meet, but if they have a beautiful inside, that can make up for stuff - not that I think size is something we have to make up for, it's only a tiny piece of who we are as human beings.
Hugs, jennie

Simark said...

I havent read all the comments above so I dont know if this has been said already, but can I just say, why do you do this to yourself? What part of you thought "hey I really need a boost - I know, I'll pretend to be thin, then I'll feel so much better after seeing what guys say to me when I'm not fat!" The thing is, if you are going to go on an online dating site and expect to find an accurate representation of society then you really are going to be disappointed. It just doesnt happen like that!

Let me give you my male perspective of this. Every straight guy has a fantasy perfect woman in his head. For some it is a celebrity, for some it is just a vague concept, but you can be sure its there. For me, it would be a woman of about 5'10, maybe 300lbs, blonde hair, etc etc. The thing is, when you meet a guy you are almost certainly never going to match his fantasy woman exactly, just as he doesnt match your fantasy. Why do people get together? Its the other things that happen when you meet that matter - the shared interests, the eyes (for me the eyes and the smile are HUGELY important), the sense of confidence and happiness that you give or dont give. Its then that a guy whose fantasy woman is 100lbs with her ribs showing, starts to fall for the fat girl with her midriff bulging over her pants, while someone like me could fall for the skinny girl.

But online it is completely different. You don't meet people you wouldnt expect to find attractive. Instead you only search for the exact people you want. So I'm not going to go looking for a 130lb girl, and that guy isnt going to go looking for a 300lb BBW.

Which brings me back to my original point. What were you hoping to achieve? Having looked at some of your posts, I get the feeling that your whole sense of self seemed to be centred around your weight and how bad that is. I mean obviously you're gonna focus on fat in a journal about fat but you get the idea. I genuinely believe that if you were able to be more confident and happy with yourself, not worrying if anyone notices you wearing a tanktop because, dammit, you're dying of heat exhaustion in your long-sleeved shirt, and not having this inferiority complex "I am fat, please forgive me" which you may not even think you have, but is readily apparant when you subject yourself to the torture in this post, well then you would be very attractive to others I can assure you. Men are naturally attracted to curves, even tho many will instinctively tell you that fat is not good, if they see a fat woman in sexy clothes, wearing makeup and acting confidently, they will soon realise what they are missing.

Oh well I'll shut up now. Just be nice to yourself. For me? :)

BTW my actual blog is at simark.braveblog.com

Dani said...

You have a type, I have a type. We all have types. Thinking that people suck because they are looking for their "type" isn't fair. We don't choose our type, it is just something that is. You've said more than once you want a guy that is big. Isn't that just as unfair?

m said...

I second what Mark and others have already said—online, people look for the type. In the world, you get to work on trial and error and chemistry. Had I posted a personal ad that included the size I was when I met my boyfriend, I doubt he'd've responded (he's never dated a fat girl before). Had he posted one that included the fact that he hadn't graduated from college, I know I wouldn't have. In person though, we work like a charm, and he thinks I'm pretty and I think he's smart and everything is really very nice. But it never would have happened if we'd been on craigslist instead of salsa dancing on the hudson piers.

Anonymous said...

hey, write the guy back, say there's one thing in your ad that isn't true - but only one - see if he keeps coming - if what you write to him is as funny and smart as your blog, maybe he will. or maybe he's one of the many men for whom size isn't the issue -

David said...

Simark is right on.

Yes, you are missing out on some guys because you're fat. To denegrate these guys for being picky/looking for a type is sour grapes. They aren't attraced to fat women, fine. That doesn't make them bad people anymore than being fat makes you a bad person. Thinking otherwise is being predjudice (and isn't that an interesting irony).

I'm personally not attraced to fat women. This doesn't mean I can't like them as friends, respect them as colleagues, etc. I just don't want to date or get naked with a fat woman. But to someone's point above--you wouldn't want to get with me--I'm 5'8" and a lean/muscular/fit 162 lbs. While some women swoon, I'm too skinny for you. That's fine. I'm limited in dating because I'm too thin for some, you're limited in dating because you're too fat for some. No big deal except that I believe that there are more men who find fat women unappealing than women who find fit men unappealing. So, yes, you're limited and that might be fine. But if you want to date fit men who are attracted to fit women, then it's not so good. Make sense?

fatty mcgee said...

I rarely do this, but I felt compelled to respond to some of the comments made on this post.

1. I'm not bitter about men who find thin girls more attractive. I get it. I know that men and woman have preferences. That's fine by me...I have them too...obviously.

2. In regards to looking for a certain type...I was on the internet! I typed in what I wanted to see what I would get. I know about the real world, and I know all about finding people who you normally wouldn't find attractive, attractive. I wrote the book on it.

3. It was just an experiment...putting up that post didn't make me feel badly at all.

I feel much better now.

Anonymous said...

To David up above,
I just wanted to congratulate you on how loudly you tooted your own horn here at this blog while at the same time letting larger women know that they are unattractive to most men.
I am a larger woman, and have often been compared to a pinup calendar girl, and many times to Marilyn Monroe. Gorgeous guys many times younger than me have fallen head over heels for me. Young, fit and handsome guys, BTW
I don't often toot my horn, but since you have felt it necessary to do it here, I thought I would join you to let you know how obnoxious you sound.
BTW: I am engaged to be married to a lean, mean six foot six hunk and he thinks Im fabulous!
Now, on behalf of all of the big chicks out there, YOU ROCK!
Just because narrow minded "fit" guys may make stupid remarks about how larger women are unattractive, I always find so many more who know how to appreciate curves and natural beauty
(climbing down the high horse now)

cherree said...

To anon. above,
I'm not defending David above, but you missed his point he just said "more" men are attracted to thinner women, not "most" men. He did seem cocky, but I think he was just explaining. At the same time I was thinking: "for a 5'8" man, he'd have to be really funny for me to date him". I'm 5'10". So there, I'm heightist.
Most people (myself included, I'm "anonymous 1:45", heh) were just saying that lots of people have a type.
You don't need to tell us that you're engaged to prove anything. He's allowed to not like large women, and he's also allowed to find them unattractive. I don't like large men either, but I know plenty of girls who do.
I better shut up now... mmmm this is some tasy wine... I finished it already? hmmm...

Anonymous said...

I am just saying, that I don't like generalizations about fat people. I don't care for it when someone says they don't like a certain group of people for whatever reason. There are many different levels of looks in the fat community too, and I think that him saying that most men don't like large women may be his experience, and the reason why I mentioned that I am engaged, is to let him know that there are some people who are larger that can be happy, healthy, and beautiful.
It would be like me saying that most women don't like bald men. Who is he to make a generalization like that, especially speaking for the entire sex?
He may not like larger women, but almost all of the men I have met have thought I was drop dead. That goes for me who like fat women and those who do NOT

Maulleigh said...

I'm 5'7" and weigh 133 and have an ad up in the personals and RARELY get emails. I go on bad dates all the time. I've gone on dates where the guy's realized I wasn't what he wanted within the first 5 minutes so he's treated me like crap for the next two hours. I read blog after blog about overweight women who have a guy they live with who loves them and I'm ENVIOUS AS HELL!! I haven't had sex in almost three years!!

LIFE IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE!!

Anonymous said...

Most women do not like bald men...

Chelle said...

In the same way that different women carry their fat, I think different men carry their bald. For example, I don't think that the "People of Walmart" women that smuggle stolen turkeys under their gunt are attractive, and they probably weigh less than me. I'm 295 pounds and have never had issues in love/sex/dating, I wear nice clothes and rock my hair/makeup. Not to mention, I don't stealthily tuck foodstuffs in my nook and crannies.
Now re: the bald: While I am not a fan of 40 year old bald men that hang out at the racetrack and sweatily thumb through the DVDs at the adult store (jeez, get the internet already), I find many bald men hot, ie Bruce Willis, The guy who plays Imhotep in The Mummy, and my former high school calc teacher, to name a few.
I think that people just tend to generalise about everything. My BMI is 46 which is "super obese", and when average people hear that, they think of people that need a crane to get out of bed, and then cannot do anything but sit in an armchair all day, not that girl running up the stairs of the train station because all the regular sized people are ambling way too f*cking slowly and holding her up!

Your blog is so hilarious, I found it last night and can't stop reading it. Here is a story you might appreciate:
On the weekend, I went to a work dinner with my friend who is also fat, and this size 2 pregnant girl who has 5 weeks until her due date was talking about how her belly touches the top of her thighs when sitting down, and how horrible and strange it was. All my friend and I could do was kick each other under the table frantically while snorting into our beers. Good times, Leanne Rimes !

Chelle :D

Chelle said...

Actually, I just did a proper conversion (we have kgs, not lbs) and I'm actually 291 pounds. Instant weight loss. :D