Very Mean Lindsey

Lindsey is feeling blue today...so blue that she asked me what I weighed and like a retard, I told her. Now she's not talking to me. That's right...NOT TALKING TO ME! I've called her, from work mind you, about 27 times. She won't pick up...she is, therefore, hurting my feelings a ton. So, I'm asking you, our readers, all 3 of you, to write her a little message telling her that she shouldn't hate me...and that she should be nice to her bestest friend, because I'm very fat, and she somehow thinks this is a lie.

Listmania!!!

I love lists! I love to make them, I love to re-read them, and occasionally I love to cross things off of them. One of my favorite aspects of my Netflix membership is I get to make a list of movies to put in my queue which designates the order in which I receive my movies. Yes, I am a dork. ..

Recently while perusing my list I took notice of the "ratings" given by other Netflix customers to the movies in my queue. Most of them have pretty high ratings, ranging from between 4-41/2 stars out if 5. However, it came to my attention that 3 of the movies on my list had only 2 1/2 or 3 stars. Which movies were these? Only the ones which had the word FAT in the title!

That's right! Fat Chance, Fat Girl, and Fat Actress have the lowest ratings of all 79 movies in my queue! Now I ask you, is that because Netflix members have issues with foreign films, documentaries, and that girl from Cheers? Or is it simply that having the word FAT in a title means ratings death?

I guess it's possible that these movies and shows just suck (and having never seen them I can't give an opinion about that) but EVERYTHING else in my queue has a higher rating! Coincidence? I think not!

I for one seek out books, movies, and songs about fatness. But my movie list doesn't lie...FAT on screen is as unpopular as fat in real life!

Why?

What purpose does my fat serve? In my life, in the lives of the people I know?

Sometimes I feel like I know the purpose my fat serves in the lives of my thin friends: I am like reassurance...they are not as bad as me. I am non threatening. I will never steal their boyfriend. They can eat in front of me. Most men will look at them before they look at me.

With my fat friends, I am also a form of insurance. As long as someone else is fat with them, it makes them feel better. I know that if I even really lost weight, Emily would do her damnedest to lose weight as well, because no one wants to be fat all alone. We are all somewhat jealous and resentful when a friend loses weight.

What I am really trying to understand is why I have wrapped this adipose sweater around myself. What purpose is it serving for me? I read somewhere a long time ago that FAT was like an actual physical barrier that one puts up to protect themself from the world that no one is supposed to get through. Why can't I just decide to eat well and exercise, and then just do it? I must be fat for some psychological reason...and I would really like to know what those reasons are.

I refuse to believe that I have done this to myself simply because I like eating too much while watching movies.

Even Mo' Complaining

The other night I got fed up. I had put a craigslist ad up and didn't get the results I wanted. I did it mostly for fun, but I also really wanted to see what was out there. Crap...that's what was out there. Then I got curious. What if I had put up a personal ad for someone just like me, but skinny. What would happen if, let's say, I put that I was 5'7, 130lbs? What am I exactly missing out there in the world because I'm fat?

At first I was happily surprised. I was more attracted to the men that wrote me when they knew I was fat. This was, I must say, a nice, little, relief.

Then a few days passed and I got a random email. The name was actually familar so I opened the email right away. And I was right, I did know this person. He was actually a friend of my brother's from elementary and high school. And he fit every desire I could have wanted in a man writing me off the internet. But, that was the problem, he wasn't writing me. He was writing thin me, and she doesn't exist.

Besides the fact that he could stand to gain a few for me to really think he's 100% drool worthy, it just made me sad. When I told Lindsey about it she said I was crazy. But, I can't stop thinking about it. I knew this guy, he was nice, cute (one of my first crushes when I was around 13), smart, Jewish, a perfect guy to take home, because, well, he's already been to my home.

Am I really missing out on fabulous men because I'm fat? Maybe. I can live with that. Although, I must say, Matt, if you're reading this because you secretly adore BBWs, but haven't met the right one, email that skinny girl from craigslist again, she's me!

Tons Of Bellies, Bellies Of Tons

Seems as though everyone is pregnant. Jennifer Garner is about to burst any day now. My sister-in-law has a little over a month to go. And, this beautiful woman that lives in my building whom I'm friendly with is due in 5 weeks.

Elizabeth lives 3 floors up from me. Her husband is a plastic surgeon, and I'm not really sure if she works at all. Elizabeth, normally, is a small and thin Asian woman. Simply gorgeous. We have lovely chats sometimes when we get home at the same time and ride the elevator together. She knows that my sister-in-law is with-child, and usually asks me hows her pregnancy is going. This time I got really creepy though.

I told her than my sister-in-law, usually a size 0, is really uncomfortable with her expanding belly and what a shame I thought that was (creepy move #1). Then I told her that if you're pregnant, you should be pregnant and enjoy it...show it off because it's your one chance to be fat (creepy move #2).

But, the creepiest comment of my elevator ride with Elizabeth was when I made my exit. I told her, and I quote:

"Okay, goodnight. ENJOY YOUR BELLY!"

Yeah, I said that. A fat girl told a normally skinny girl that she should enjoy her belly. She gave me the weirdest look. I felt awkward. I dread my elevator now.

complaining complaining complaining

I feel oh so petty and lame for even writing this post. The fact that I just returned to my apartment it's 1:15am, and I am possessed to write this about this insignificant event (instead of complaining to Emily because she is in class!) is so bothersome. But, it did force me to admit that I am so completely ashamed of so much about my life.

So, "what the fuck happened"?, you may ask. Well, I walk into my apartment and what do I find waiting by my bedroom door? Nothing but a package with a gigantic Lane Bryant sticker staring up at me! Yeah, shouldn't be a big deal. Shouldn't mean anything, and yet it really pissed me off, and yes, embarrassed me.

I mean, my flatmates know I'm fat. They see me everyday. They are well aware that I am not a tinny speck of womanhood. But now they know that I don't buy clothes at "normal" stores. And somehow the worst part is that I didn't even get any clothes this time! I happened to get 3 amazing "plunge" bras which I am currently pretty stoked on. However, I do not need the UPS man, the door man, the front desk man, and my flatmates knowing that I shop at The LB.

I am sort of pissed that they put their sticker on their box. I feel like I ordered kiddie porn and it was delivered with a picture of a naked Dakota Fanning glued to the top. I felt that level of shame and embarrassment for a second.

Does anyone else feel that way? When I shop at The LB stores I will take the clothes out of the shopping bag they give you and stuff them in my purse. I will cut out labels of fat girl clothing stores out of my clothes. I have actually lied about where I bought a pair of pants...

How am I supposed to accept myself or have an inkling of self esteem when my self image can be shattered by a medium size brown box with a blue and white sticker on it?

Dream a Big Dream for Me

This idea is verbal gold baby, but since I am not about to act on it, I am giving it out to the Fat Internet Community in the hopes that someone will read this and take action...

To point out the obvious: Women's bodies are shaped differently.
The perhaps not so obvious point: As one grows larger, the differences in shape take on a life of their own...

What do I mean by this? Sometimes, when you stumble over a certain size, different parts of you body take over and seem to grow more then the rest of you. You can have a huge belly, ass, thighs, calves, breasts, etc.

What does this have to do with my promise of verbal gold? Well, I propose that the companies that engage in making expensive fat lady clothes should cater to their clientele....

For instance, imaging a line of cute fat girl jeans where you could pick a pair with say, extra room in the belly jeans and the rest of the pants wouldn't balloon out around you. Or a pair with extra room just in the thighs.

I think it's genius, as I would but such a pair of jeans. I am sick of picking clothes that fit my belly and not the rest of me. I could dress so much cuter!

Or take my big ass titties. They're huge...so is my belly, but my tits are bigger than my belly and I end up with a little hole between button 1 and 2 pompting my friends to chant..."What's between 1 and 2 Lindsey...what's between 1 and 2"...My big tits...that's what!

Come on Lane Bryant! Get to work!!!

Fatty Goes to School

On Wednesday nights I have my 3 hour psych class. I must say that this is one of the best classes I have ever taken and I'm always thrilled to go, except for last night. Our assignment was to read a chapter out of our book titled "The Fat Lady". That chapter, was, in short, not very pro fat. The therapist who wrote the book (Irvin Yalom), went on and on about how this fat lady, Betty, came into his office and how disgusted he was by her 5'2 250lb frame. He went on for pages upon pages about how gross she was. She was 27, single and made him cringe. He tells us that he hates all fat people. At one point, he asks why can't us fat women just put down the doughnuts. That he sometimes feels that he just wants to shove our face in ice cream and yell, "stop eating you fat cow." Yeah, good times...especially since the guy that was presenting this chapter in class was regulation hottie...not in my sense of the word hottie (I like my men fat), but in this society, he'd be known as a very good looking guy.

So, I got to school early so I could read this chapter before class. I usually get to school an hour early so I can sit on a bench outside and read. It was a bit misty outside, but I didn't mind. I sat on that bench and began to read, in shock at what this very well respected therapist had to say about Betty. It got to the point where I called Lindsey up just to tell her how amazing this chapter was...she was soon as captivated as I was.

I sat there for about an hour in the mist and then got up to go to class dreading that we'd have to discuss for 3 hours the plights of this fat women and the therapist that hated her. If there is one thing I don't like, it's talking about being fat with a bunch of skinnies. So, I got up and started walking to class, but I looked back to see if I had forgotten anything and what I saw was not a great prelude to class...My ass had left a HUGE dry mark on the bench.

Let's break it down...huge fat girl is reading a story about a professional hating a big fat girl and then gets up and leaves her mark as a big fat girl. AWESOME! What else could possibly happen?
Well, I'll tell you what could happen...I'm hoping that no one saw, and it wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't had just:

1. Read about how horrible fat people are.
2. Made a big ass dry mark on a bench.
3. Realized my fly was undone while walking to class.

When I took my spiral bound notebook out of my bad, I noticed something lodged in the spiral part of it. What could it be????

Just a Raisinette.

Yeah, I'm fat.

"Neck Rolls" Sounds Gross

So, as has been noted before, I have no TV at home. Thus, once a week I trek up to the Upper West Side and engage in some serious TV watching with some friends of mine who have Tivo. Our shows include Lost, Transgeneration, America's Next Top Model, and The Biggest Loser.

Watching The Biggest Loser with thin(ish) friends is sort of traumatizing. Especially while eating dinner! TBL is now at the point on the show where you can really see differences in peoples bodies and faces, and the before and after photos are really amazing. I LOVE BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES!!!!!

While watching this weeks episode, my friends kept making comments about how the participants look like different people now and how they look like 15 years younger. Honestly, they do look like different people. Bodies aside, their faces look soooo different. The after pictures have neck rolls, chins, and cheeks missing where there had been stored fat before. I noticed one friend of mine sneaking glances at my fat ass (or belly) sitting on her couch as we watched the picture transformations. It was like she was mentally cutting off my fat and wondering what I would look like if I lost all that weight.

It is an odd thing to realize that you don't know what you really look like. What if I am really ugly under all these layers of fat...it could go either way, but I can't seem to put the effort into finding out ... again.

Big-ass Booty Calls

So I used to have sex with a guy who I find really attractive, fun, and interesting. Yet our relationship never went further then sex. We would fuck, cuddle, smoke a cigarette, and then I would get up dress and leave. His doorman must have thought I was a prostitute... seriously, his doorman would wink at me when I walked to the elevator.

I was always sort of proud that I never get emotionally attached to him. But I think that I was really just scared to find out that he would never want to let the relationship progress any further because well, I'm fat, and he doesn't seem like the type of guy to have a 300 lb girlfriend on his arm.

Anyways, after a few months of not seeing him I embarked on a little light internet stalking (come on, we all do it!), and I noticed that he has some new pictures on his friendster profile ... and he got REALLY REALLY CHUBBY!!!!

This actually happened to Emily, too. She had a NonBoyfriend named Jack. He and Emily dated for a short time about 6 months ago. It ended and for some reason, she went and saw him last week. The big surprise? He (who was always "fat") was now huge! She was in absolute shock to have seen such a sight. But, still, he didn't really want her...I guess the thought of two fatties, to him, walking down the street was too much to handle.

Now, I am attracted to chubby guys, so Oliver's pic turned me on even more. But it got me thinking. This guy, lets call him Oliver, seemed to like having sex with the fatties, but all of his real girlfriends were thin. Now I want to know what his own weight issues are, and more then anything I want to get in touch with him again and have some serious sex.

But honeslty, can two fatties have a relationship without secretly thinking that their respective weight issues reflect each others? And if you only fuck fatties in secret, wouldn't your own weight gain make it more unlikely that you would out yourself?