Whoa There!

I have two bosses. They are both about 5'2. One must weigh 105 and the other must weigh, at most, 125. Both, obviously, are not fat. The "bigger" boss, we'll call her Stacy. Stacy's only flaw is having a meaty bottom half. It's nothing really noticeable and she can cover it up pretty easily with the right clothing, but she insists on talking about her weight with me at all times. As if, per say, we're even close to the same weight. Like we're in the same club or something. We're not.

The other day Stacy came to my office, sat down and went on and on about how her friend came over, forced her to order dinner and watch the Biggest Loser. She hated her evening and then went into a 20 minute tailspin about how her friend said she couldn't be her bridesmaid (the girl isn't even engaged) because she, Stacy, is too fat. And supposedly this girl is fat as well.

And Stacy told me all of this...because I'm fat?

I know, It's Been a While...

...but rather than go into it I'm just going to ignore the fact and start off as if we've never had time apart.
I started a new job about 2 months ago. It's very business-y and therefore, I can't wear any sort of thing I wore to my previous job like jeans or t-shirts. Because of this, I'm pretty regulated to black pants and dresses.

Side note, dresses are amazing and I encourage you all to go online to Target plus size and buy some. And yes, I'm wearing one right now. And double yes, I have bike shorts under so I don't cause my thighs to rub together and start a forest fire.

I've been wearing dresses pretty much all the time. They're easier than pants in the morning because I don't have to find a top and they're more comfortable. I learned this lesson the hard way.

Yesterday I put on my only black pair of pants and one of the only tops I have and went to work. The pants were a little snug, but they're my normal size 24 Old Navy pants and I didn't think much of it. That was, until I got to work. OMG you guys, pain ensued. What was my first hour of work felt like 5. These pants were going to be the death of me. They felt as if a python had attached itself to my waist and was showing me no mercy. There was nothing I could do. I tried going to the bathroom several times to relieve the pain but that didn't do much. At one point the inside button (and I seriously want to know who fastens the inside button!?) dug itself so far into my skin that I started to bleed. I was starting to look tie died and wondered how any blood flow was getting to the lower half of my body.

I'm proud to say I made it through the day, blood and all.

What had happened to my size 24 pants? Could I have gained that much weight in such a short period of time? It hadn't been that long since I wore them? Anyway, my conclusion is this: I want a pair of pants with an elastic band.

Is this giving up? Is there a separation between fat girls who wear zippers and buttons and those who wear elastic bands? I don't know, but I need your opinion.

Night Crazy

It's 4:51 in the morning. I've been awake since 4. I can't sleep. Sometimes I come up with brilliant ideas at this time and then I fall back asleep and forget things, so I'm writing this one down: I'm going to Over eaters Anonymous.

I might happen to be watching Ruby while I writing this, but this is still a great idea.

I've been to OA twice before and loved it. I'm not sure if I have ever written about it, but the two times that I have been were really great. I love hearing stories and everyone there is really positive.

Has anyone else out there been to OA? What was your experience? And what can you say to a person, like myself, who wants to go back, but is scared!

Et tu, Nordstroms?

Why am I showing a very digitally altered skinny girl on this blog? Because Nordstroms was trying to sell me this dress...in the plus size section. Really? That's going to make me want to buy that (ugly) dress? I think not.

Errr...

First of all, sorry for the delay. I have had some computer issues and well, Lindsay, her computer is just dead.

I just wanted to let you in on two little stories that have happened to me in the past couple of days.

Story 1: I got on my scale and instead of telling me my weight, it just said Err. I know that this means error and that I needed to step on again, but seriously, Err was just perfect. It was like my scale was telling me Errr...you really want to know?

Story 2: I had to go to Saks Fifth Avenue to return a disastrous dress I bought for an upcoming wedding shower. If there is one thing I hate, it's going to high end stores in Beverly Hills. Fat and Beverly Hills just don't mix. I slipped into the shoe department because I'm a fat girl and nothing makes me feel almost normal than buying a pair of shoes that even a skinny girl could wear. There, I found an amazing pair of Tory Burch sandals for $100. I bought them. And, as I was getting my credit card back from the sales man my wallet dropped. I picked it up and was on my way. Two seconds later the sales man caught me and told me that I had dropped something. It was one of those buy 9 get the 1oth for free cards...TO SOME HORRIBLE SANDWICH PLACE! He looked at me like a fatty. Basically because maybe I was punched up to 7 sandwiches. For shame!

Best Diet Ever!?

I just recently had a bout with what I could say has to be the sickest case of stomach flu that I have ever had. It came out both ends, it kept me up all night, it was sad. But, I lost 7lbs.

You heard me right, 7lbs.

Get sick, vomit, lose weight. But, when I was hovering over my toilet I came the realization that I never want to feel that way in my life again, and that the weight I was losing wasn't worth the pain and suffering.

I also became afraid of food. I am right now feeling much better but am still afraid to eat. BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast) diet or not, I'm scared.

How long will this skinniness continue?

Probably until dinner.

Wowzers

I did something that we've here on Fatty Mcblog have been pondering and also making fun of for years. I bought something from the maternity department.

Is this ok? I don't know. It fits, so that's a good thing.

But seriously, I bought something from the maternity department at Target. The only thing I can really see in the difference is that it says maternity on the tag, which of course I have quickly removed. Nothing would be worse than sitting down, taking off your cardigan and having your skinny friends see that you are, in fact, wearing a sweater meant for a 9 month pregnant woman.

Has anyone else ever done this? And, is this the last of me doing this?

It makes perfect sense to do so...Maybe the teams of maternity and fat should join forces.

And as a PS. I really want the jeans with the band.

Cinderellas Come In All Sizes

Just a heads up that tonights episode of Say Yes To The Dress is titled: Cinderellas Come In All Sizes. You know what that means! A fat girl wedding dress episode. I've been waiting for this!



So, 9pm TLC



Have any of you had the horror of looking for a wedding dress? Wish you could wear black?

Also, click HERE to see a great collection of videos posted by TLC honoring the issue of weight and wedding dresses.

Like Sausage When You Don't Want Sausage

Since we're on a major 'fashion' kick, (see below), I'm going to continue this trend. This time though, we will be discussing Leggings. I want some. I just don't want to look like meat stuffed into it's casing.

Now, being a fat girl I cannot just go out and buy a pair of leggings, plus size or not. I mull over this fact daily. No matter how long the shirt, which by the way is not flattering, I can't get away with wearing leggings outside of the house. Oh, I wish I could.

And to embark on another tangent I must tell you that when I envision myself in these black leggings I'm averaged sized (I'm taking that phrase from Little People, Big World). Why? Who am I kidding? And, aren't I just lying to myself? Whatever.

Back to the leggings. Can I wear leggings or not. I have a nice shaped leg. Two actually and I think I might just say "what the f" and go for it.

Maybe I can wear them with my high heels.

PS. I just googled fat girl leggings and came across myriad of website yelling NO!!!!
I especially enjoyed this

Fat Girls in High Heels

Here's a question: Can fat girls wear heels?

Fortunately, I do not suffer from canklitis ( I just made that term up), but still feel I can't wear heels because I'm fat. Let me tell you why. A major part of it is adding to my size. The higher I am, the bigger I feel. The bigger I feel, I swear the fatter I am or appear to be. Maybe this is why I am always feeling fat in the shower?

Anyway, I own about 3 dozen pairs of flats, but no heels. And I really want some.

Now, I know I can just say F it and who cares, but let's be serious...I care. They wouldn't look dumb because of cankles (which according to google even Barbie has), but I've seen fat girls in heels and I just don't like the look. BUT, and this is a big but, (ha!), the girls I have seen wearing heels look as if their heels don't fit properly. Regardless of their size, that shoe was not supposed to fit. I would of course get heels that fit.

BUT ALSO! I think because I am fat that wearing heels hurts 10x more 10x faster than skinnies.

Let me know what you think...I'm seriously curious about this.

Yes, You Can Sound Fat Over The Phone

So, today I proved the age old question if someone can actually sound fat over the phone. Victory is mine. And, of course it had to be while I was calling....LANE BRYANT!

Yesterday I attempted to buy some bras and underwear, (TMI?) basically, because they were having an amazing sale.

SIDE NOTE: Bras. Man. Aren't they the worst?

Anyway, yesterday when I tried to purchase said bras online I kept getting this annoying error message making it impossible for me to get them. Quite annoying if you ask me. Finally, I gave up and resigned to call the next day, (today).

I guess I must have been really excited about this deal ($25 off, free underwear with bra purchase, free shipping!) because it was one of the first things I did today. While I was eating breakfast.

It was Cherrios damn it! They were from Trader Joes. It was healthy!

Regardless, my starvation interfered with my over the phone ordering and finally the woman told me she couldn't understand me.

Me. Ordering fat girl bras and panties...stuffing my face.

"Oh, I didn't know" (Say it in a creepy stereotypical asian lady voice)

Should I save the whole hoopla about how we didn't write, but then we saw the error of our ways and now are going to write again...again? Yes? Good.

This is the story of Emily and Lindsay who innocently wanted to go get sushi at our favorite, favorite sushi restaurant. I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

I pulled up to Lindsey's home to find her on the phone waiting in front. Normal: she was just ordering our food. Not normal: her face. I got a big OMG!!! from outside the car. Apparently, she was on the phone with the owner.

Back story:

The owner of this sushi cafe is tiny little Japanese women who counts the soy sauce packages and has a camera hooked up so she can watch her employees when she's not there. She also runs marathons. Her restaurant also makes really good sushi. Real Crab! Spicy Mayo!

Anyway, seems as though as I was pulling up the owner was letting Lindsey know that she would, in fact, not be giving us our two orders of spicy mayo because mayo = fat. It's not as if I am discounting this fact. It is true. Mayo does make you fat. But, we're her customers. She charges like $2.50 per side order thus having an extra $5 made from just us. I don't remember what Lindsey said to her next, but it was something like, we're your customers, give me my fat mayo.

The owner had told Lindsey that she just got back from Japan and people are skinny there and she doesn't want fat customers.

Lindsey wouldn't go in to get the food. She was degradatated. Obviously I had to go in and get it. Great. I go in and try to act cool.

Back story II:

We love this place. It's our regular sushi place and eat there about once every three weeks. We know the waiters and up to this point, everyone has been normal and nice.

As I walk up to the woman to give my name her eyes widen. She knows who I am and she knows my order. (Why she didn't know this on the phone baffles me). And, you can tell, she's sort of embarrassed. And the only thing she can bring herself to say is:

"Oh, I didn't know" and then raises her hands width wise as if she's showing me what two feet look like and repeats, "I didn't know".

I didn't know you were so big on the phone! I would have kept you skinny but you're too far gone. Ok, she didn't say that but she might of well have.

Needless to say, we got the food and I put a ban on our place.

After 5 months and various attempts to find another sushi place I crumbled. I had to have it. I didn't care that I was funding her extravagant lifestyle, I needed my spicy tuna. Lindsey and I once tried to figure out how much we were actually giving this woman annually, but honestly, to tell would just way too shameful.

Sooo Interesting

Lindsey told me about an article in Bitch Magazine about the Fat Acceptance Movement. I thought it was so interesting, I wanted to bring it to all of your attention.

http://bitchmagazine.org/article/big-trouble

What do you think? I think it's a great article and something that really bothers me about the Fat Acceptance Movement. It's also super taboo to bring up. I often feel like a hater against my own kind, but now I feel like there are more people out there that feel the same way as the people described in this article.

Please discuss...I'm so curious as to what other people have to say about this!

And It's Come Full Circle

Last night I had a date. Yes, an Internet date...don't judge me! Anyway, it was a date with a very nice boy I supposedly went to high school with but had no recollection of. The exciting part? He was 6'6. His pictures featured a fit, tall hunk of Jewish manhood. And he liked me, a fatty.

When we talked on the phone, I didn't really feel anything to be excited about. Yes, we had things in common, but no, nothing out of the ordinary and nothing that got my heart pounding and excited.

So, we had plans to eat and see a movie. I met him outside of the restaurant. He was definitely tall and to my surprise...FAT!

Ok, he wasn't really fat, but weight on a man that is 6'6 is weight that is going to be noticed. And to top that off, he had a huge ass. I don't even know how to describe it.

Now, you all know that I prefer men to be fat, I like it. But, this was a little overkill. Being 6'1 and fat, fine with me...but add 5 inches and something happens that just doesn't do it for me.

It was a little bit of a reversal for me. I'm always worried that although I have a picture up and I state that I'm a bigger girl over and over just so I don't confuse anyone, the guy will really not understand that I am actually fat and feel really duped, which, I know if a problem with Internet dating. But, last night, I was duped. I was totally duped. Duped, duped, duped.

I don't think we'll go out on another date. I just didn't feel anything emotionally. But seriously, I might be on to something...dating a bigger man, especially one that is 6'6? I totally felt little...which was sort of awesome.

Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

We are trying to get back into writing blog posts more often...it will happen!!! But in the meantime, here is a video/song that both Emily and I have had in our heads for a few days. I love Mika in general (probably because he reminds me of Freddie Mercury), but when I heard that he had a song about fat girls I knew it was true love! Have a listen and enjoy!

Saucey

Lindsey and I are huge fans of the restaurant Gyu-Kaku. If you haven't been, run to your nearest one. Gyu is a Japanese BBQ place, the kind where you have a grill at your table and cook your own food. Yummy.

Two things that Gyu has that drive both of us craving more? The salad dressing and this one dipping sauce. I'm not exactly sure what the dipping sauce is called. The website refers to it as their Sweet and Spicy sauce, but I just called it the world's best sauce...and that's saying a lot. The salad dressing is also tops, it's a miso mustard dressing. So delicious.

Lindsey and I went to Gyu on Saturday night, the problem was we didn't want to eat there. In retrospect, this was a really dumb idea, (Lindsey still defends it by the way). You have to eat there because, duh, you have to cook your food there, but we weren't really digging that. Our decision was to cook the food quickly, pack it to go and leave. I can't explain to you why we were so adamant about doing this, but we were.

So, we made it to Gyu at 5:30 at night. We had to wait about a half hour to get seated. We stood outside of the restaurant waiting for a table when I reached into my purse, took a bottled Diet Coke I had from earlier in the day and started drinking it. This was when Lindsey let me know that I better drink the whole thing up really quickly, because she was going to be needing it in a few moments. For what?

Smuggling sauce.

She wanted to put their delicious sauce in the Diet Coke bottle so she could have the sauce at home for future cravings.

When we were seated, Lindsey got up with my Coke bottle, went to the ladies room, washed the bottle out and came back to the table. It was on!

This was not the easiest task in the world, considering the waitress was totally creeped out by us and was keeping close watch. We kept asking for more salad dressing. We kept cooking our food and setting it aside. We kept asking for refills of the sauce even though we weren't eating and finally, it's basically impossible to go through one of their jars in one meal.

This whole process took about 2 hours...we should have just eaten there.

I'm proud to say we got out of there without anyone asking us about it. I know this doesn't mean they didn't know, but it makes us feel better. And I think the worst part about it is that I was so overcome with jealously that Lindsey got to have that sauce at home that I am now forcing her to go back so we can smuggle more sauce.

Sadly, this trend is just beginning...because we're sauce whores.

Hello???

Hello?

We haven't written anything in quite a long time, and we were wondering if there are people out there in cyberland who still check into this blog. Let us know if you are out there and if you are still interested in reading about the fat life. To answer some oddball rumors that have come to our attention during our sabbatical: We are still alive. We are real people. We are both women in our 20's. We are not a fraternity hoax. And most importantly, we are still really really fat.

And by the way, we just have to send a shout out to gmail because when we sent this post to one another via gmail, the sponsored ad was: Are you fat? Take the Fat Quiz!

Happy V Day: I am retarded.

I find that I compartmentalize my friendships and relationships into to very broad categories: 1. Those in which fatness may be discussed and 2. Those in which fat is a taboo subject.

Today I crossed that very important line in a moment of utter stupidity.

While taking a break from studying I found a Craigslist ad from a man who wanted to have sex with a fat girl with a big belly. The guy who wrote the ad said he worked out 4 times a week.

I attempted to email Emily and ask her why a man who worked out 4 times a week wanted to fuck a fatty with a big belly. I then included a link to the ad.

And then I pressed send.

And then I realized to my horror that I didn't send the email to Emily. I send it to my uptight, East Coast, Republican, NON fat discussing friend, James.

And then I felt like puking. Because I enjoy my cubby holes.

I am obviously fat. Everyone who looks at me knows that. But I like choosing with whom I discuss fat topics. And I do not like when that line is crossed.

So now James has an email waiting in his inbox where it seems like I ask him to write to some random guy off CL and ask him why he likes fat girls if he is a gym bunny.

This sucks.

Am I The Only One...

I don't think I am the only one, but I often wonder if I am the only person who does this. You know when the news talks about fat people and puts up random shots of fat people walking? You know how they either do front shots with the head of the person cut off or a shot from the back? And, mostly, they are frumpy and, in my opinion, don't really show the fat demographic. At least I hope not.

It is such a fear of mine to recognize my pannus on the evening news. I know it will probably never happen and these are just stock footage from 1987, but I can't help but examine these people to see if they are me, or someone I know.

Who are these people? Do they know that they are on the news? Have they seen themselves?

I think this is going to be a mystery for a long time coming, but I will forever be on the lookout for myself on the news...I just can't help it.

Expense Reports: Bring 'Em On!

Part of my job consists of me doing expense reports for various people, including myself. Example, when someone goes out of town, they will give me all of their receipts and I will create a report so they can get their money back from the company. It's a very small part of my job, but I must admit, it's my favorite.

Call it creepy, but I love lists. I love year books. I love directories. I love things that feed my little voyeuristic ways of seeing into someones life. And, what better way to see into someones life than to see what they eat!?

Because the company gives you a per diem of what you can spend each day, people, I'm thinking, usually eat more than they would if they were just at home. But, this way, you can see what people would really eat if money and everyday life didn't get in the way. It's great.

Take Lena for example. She just got back from a trip to Chicago. She had McDonald's at the LAX airport. She obviously likes to booze it up a little bit and doesn't shy away from meat entrees. She also likes her dessert.

I didn't think much about Lena before, but I think we could get along. She happens to enjoy cheeseburgers for lunch.

One girl in my office likes to skip breakfast and lunch so she can go to a really fancy restaurant at dinner time and spend her whole per diem there. I respect this. I'm not much of a breakfast person ( a fault I would like to correct). I also could do without lunch. I love that she treats herself to a $50 dinner, where she is dining alone.

Every time Lindsey calls me at work I will let her know what so and so is eating. She thinks I'm crazy. I think I'm a little crazy too, but that's okay...unless I end up in a mental hospital, rocking back and forth quietly saying to myself that Judy likes a side of horseradish with her fries.