This happened about 3 years ago. I wouldn't say it was entirely my fat ass that brought the bench down, but let's just assume that if I wasn't on it, it wouldn't have crumbled to the ground the way it did.
New Years Eve, 2002/2003
I went to a party with two of my friends, Mary and Laura, (Lindsey was out of town). Mary has some girth and knows how to pack away the food. I like Mary. She's crazy, but we eat and watch TV very well together, and what more in a friendship can you ask for? Laura is SKINNY. I'm talking 5 feet 11 inches, 125lbs skinny. She is deathly afraid of becoming fat. She makes me sick. I don't know why we are friends. She actually says things to me like:
"I feel fat"
"I ate so much, you have no idea"
"I'm fat aren't I?"
Does she know who she is talking to???
I didn't know the girl who was throwing the party. I was a friend of a friend who brought two friends. As soon as we walk in I see the friend I know and we exchange greetings and what not. Then Mary sees the host.
Mary: I know her
Mary: Yeah, we went to high school together. She's was a total bulimic. I hear she still is.
Now, let me just say, I'm a fat girl, Lindsey is a fat girl, and if I know anything about my fat girls it's this: WE LOVE A GOOD EATING DISORDER. I mean, we technically have eating disorders. No, none of it is healthy, but it sure is interesting.
Laura and I made our way outside to drink and smoke a little while Mary runs to her car. We're all sitting at one of those picnic tables, (one long table with two benches on each side). Who comes and sits down? The host. I don't remember her name, so we'll call her Jen. Jen came over with a bowl of guacamole and some chips, places it in the middle of the table, sits and starts chowing down.
Jen lets us know that her mother made the guacamole and it's the best...we've all gotta try it. Laura sinks her chip into it and agrees, this is the best guacamole she has ever had. Do I try the guacamole? Of course not. No respecting fatty eats in front of:
1. Skinny Laura
2. A fucking Bulimic
I give some bullshit excuse about how since I was drinking, I wouldn't be eating anything that would be green when it came up and into the toilet. (Did I just say that in front of a bulimic? Damn right I did).
So, we're sitting there. They're eating, I'm wondering what it would be like to not be fat and be able to eat in public. Then it happened. Mary came and sat down next to me. HARD. Crashing down next to me is more like it. Grace is not one of Mary's charms.
The leg of the bench breaks, sending us to the floor and all I can think of at that moment is, "I can't believe this just happened in front of Skinny Ass Laura and this bulimic girl I just met." I can't even imagine what they were thinking, but I know what they did. Immediately after I crashed to the floor Laura and Jen, in sync, put their guacamole filled chips down. Laura has a stunned look on her face and you know she's thinking, "If I eat anymore chips, that will happen to me".
Jen reassures us that the bench was a million years old, not to worry about it and heads to the bathroom to throw up. I know this because when she leaves, the bathroom light goes on and 4 minutes later the toilet flushes and she comes out with bloodshot eyes and the room reeks of vomit.
Not only did I break her family's bench, I more than likely sent her into such a bulimic bender that her esophagus probably deteriorated that very night.
That night I made the only new years resolution that I have ever kept:
Never sit on the same bench as Mary.
And I haven't since.