Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Break A Leg

I have lived every fat girls worst nightmare...I broke a bench. Yes, a bench.

This happened about 3 years ago. I wouldn't say it was entirely my fat ass that brought the bench down, but let's just assume that if I wasn't on it, it wouldn't have crumbled to the ground the way it did.

New Years Eve, 2002/2003

I went to a party with two of my friends, Mary and Laura, (Lindsey was out of town). Mary has some girth and knows how to pack away the food. I like Mary. She's crazy, but we eat and watch TV very well together, and what more in a friendship can you ask for? Laura is SKINNY. I'm talking 5 feet 11 inches, 125lbs skinny. She is deathly afraid of becoming fat. She makes me sick. I don't know why we are friends. She actually says things to me like:

"I feel fat"
"I ate so much, you have no idea"
"I'm fat aren't I?"

Does she know who she is talking to???

I didn't know the girl who was throwing the party. I was a friend of a friend who brought two friends. As soon as we walk in I see the friend I know and we exchange greetings and what not. Then Mary sees the host.

Mary: I know her
Me: Really?
Mary: Yeah, we went to high school together. She's was a total bulimic. I hear she still is.
Me: Nice

Now, let me just say, I'm a fat girl, Lindsey is a fat girl, and if I know anything about my fat girls it's this: WE LOVE A GOOD EATING DISORDER. I mean, we technically have eating disorders. No, none of it is healthy, but it sure is interesting.

Laura and I made our way outside to drink and smoke a little while Mary runs to her car. We're all sitting at one of those picnic tables, (one long table with two benches on each side). Who comes and sits down? The host. I don't remember her name, so we'll call her Jen. Jen came over with a bowl of guacamole and some chips, places it in the middle of the table, sits and starts chowing down.

Jen lets us know that her mother made the guacamole and it's the best...we've all gotta try it. Laura sinks her chip into it and agrees, this is the best guacamole she has ever had. Do I try the guacamole? Of course not. No respecting fatty eats in front of:

1. Skinny Laura
2. A fucking Bulimic

I give some bullshit excuse about how since I was drinking, I wouldn't be eating anything that would be green when it came up and into the toilet. (Did I just say that in front of a bulimic? Damn right I did).

So, we're sitting there. They're eating, I'm wondering what it would be like to not be fat and be able to eat in public. Then it happened. Mary came and sat down next to me. HARD. Crashing down next to me is more like it. Grace is not one of Mary's charms.

BANG!

The leg of the bench breaks, sending us to the floor and all I can think of at that moment is, "I can't believe this just happened in front of Skinny Ass Laura and this bulimic girl I just met." I can't even imagine what they were thinking, but I know what they did. Immediately after I crashed to the floor Laura and Jen, in sync, put their guacamole filled chips down. Laura has a stunned look on her face and you know she's thinking, "If I eat anymore chips, that will happen to me".

Jen reassures us that the bench was a million years old, not to worry about it and heads to the bathroom to throw up. I know this because when she leaves, the bathroom light goes on and 4 minutes later the toilet flushes and she comes out with bloodshot eyes and the room reeks of vomit.

Not only did I break her family's bench, I more than likely sent her into such a bulimic bender that her esophagus probably deteriorated that very night.

That night I made the only new years resolution that I have ever kept:

Never sit on the same bench as Mary.
And I haven't since.

14 comments:

Mr. W said...

Fatty McGee... that is the funnies frickin' story I've ever heard... well not ever, but it's pretty damn funny!

Anonymous said...

did ya know that someone posted your blogname in the casual encounters section of toronto craigslist?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've read the whole blog - and all i can say is - Its' funny 'cause it's true!

You girls should do Stand-Up -I'm serious - i'm a comedian myself but right now i'm dead serious -Don't change a word - just go up their and tell theese stories - from the belly rash to the broken bench - it's sooo funny - I mean who can't imagine the little chinese woman fearing for her life?

DO IT - get of your fat asses and down to the nearest open mic nite - you will rock the audience ( if not just jump)

MissPea said...

Wow, kids....this is some very brave and real stuff. As a fat chick, I don't think I'd have the heart to do it. I identify, yet am horrified by your stories. Keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

It would have been more embarrassing if Mary was already seated, & the bench broke when you sat down.

Anonymous said...

bravo!! gotta love a good fatgirl story! I've got tons, but can't tell them with the eloquence you both do!

Gina Bobina - a west coast fat girl who's loving life!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE THESE GIRLS!!! THESE STORIES CRACK ME UP!!

ANNA - ANOTHER WEST COAST GIRL.

daniel said...

Laura is SKINNY. I'm talking 5 feet 11 inches, 125lbs skinny.

Yeah, skinny and bulimic. What a shit!

But this story was funny, I would like to be there to take part!

yours, Daniel
nadiledc@yahoo.com

mainja said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mainja said...

yeah, i broke a chair on a patio at a restaurant at pride last year.

it was one of those plastic resin chairs, and it was 'cause i twisted in the chair (pressure in the wrong spot and those things explode). i have seen these same chair break in similar ways with skinny people, but i can only assume it's less humiliating for the skinney people.

Regina said...

"The only new year's resolution" you ever kept is the punchline. It wasn't funny to me until that line. Hilarious. An excellent story and good for you to post it.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That's hilarious, broke a bench, ahahahahah

Anonymous said...

So I happened on your site because I'm procrastinating on doing a presentation and I've spent the last couple of hours reading thru all your archives. And I just wanted to say that you both have an awesome blog that is totally touching and ABSOLUTELY hillarious. I spent at least 3 minutes straight laughing about the bench story - not because it's funny in and of itself that the bench broke (I imagine it would be humiliating beyond all reason) but because of the way you tell the stories.

And yes, skinny people are still humiliated when we break things. I'm 5'5'' and 120 and I broke a swing once in front of like 30 people and it was terrible. I mean we all laughed about it but I was still pretty embarassed.

Move it to lose it! Tales of a tall fat girl said...

You. are. hilarious.