Okay, not really. But, my sister-in-law is.
My sister-in-law is great. I couldn't have asked for a better person to join our dysfunctional little family. But, if there was one thing I would change about my sister-in-law, it would have to be the fact that she is a size 0. That's right, a size 0. It's like she doesn't exist. I like to joke, (in my head and to Lindsey of course) that we're just alike, if you only put a 2 in front of the 0...that's a size 20 for all you math wizards. I'm am basically 20 times bigger than she is. It's like someone left the air pump connected to me for a little too long.
When I found out that my brother and his wife were having a child, I couldn't wait to do what I love doing...shop for others. I like to shop for others because shopping for myself is way too depressing. We like to call it Try-on Room Trauma...but that's a post I'll save for a later date. My first shopping trip for my new niece or nephew was at Target. I didn't think much of it...I just waddled on down to the maternity section and started looking at things that I could buy. While staring at something called a maternity pillow, a nice woman, who must have been around 8 months pregnant told me that it would save me from many of uncomfortable nights. My reaction went something like this:
Then it clicked...This woman thought I was pregnant! So I did what any respectable fatty would do. I started to rub my belly and nod my head in an agreeing manner. Then I did what only a psychotic fatty would do, I started to talk to her about being pregnant. Yes, my back hurt (It does anyway). Yes, I had gained 65lbs so far and was only 7 months pregnant. Yes, I was so swollen I couldn't wear my wedding ring. (In this fantasy, I was married to a lovely Jewish doctor who my mother LOVED and we had just moved into a brand new home). When I noticed I was was rambling on and even freaking myself out, I grabbed the pillow she suggested and made my way to the check out.
Did I scare even myself? YES. Will this make me drop the In-n-Out Double Double Animal Style with Animal Style Fries that I crave sometimes on my way home from work? Yeah, probably not. Have you tried Animal Style Fries? Damn, they're good.