Monday, January 30, 2006

***Warning: I am really fat***

I've been talking with this boy who sounds really good on paper...nice, smart, cute, employed.

What's the problem then? I have this need to sabotage myself. It's like I have this obligation to pre-warn men that I am fat. It sounds so lame and pathetic, but I would rather be let down earlier on, then start seeing someone and learn later that the guy only privately likes fat girls.

I'm supposed to have a drink with him on Thursday, and I have now given him a, "Just so you know, I'm really fat" email, so he can get out of it if he wants to.

Is that what I am supposed to do? Is it sabotage or just self preservation?

And with Valentines Day looming in the distance, I have to say that I would really like this to work out because a date on V day sounds lovely at this point.

Should I stop giving the warning?

38 comments:

Shannon said...

yes.
dont lie, but for gods sake if you dont boost your self up, who will? Hes already talking to you for a reason, he cant be that shallow to assume that any woman on line looks like jennifer anniston...maybe he'll be a prick, but wouldnt it be nice if he werent?

Anonymous said...

OMG I do the same tihg ALL. THE. TIME. I still don't know if it's a good idea or not. I suspect not, but then again I feel exactly like you do, I'd rather he bail now than later and I just want to be up front. Hope it turns out well for you!

LoRi~fLoWer said...

It think it's self-preservation. For my part, the thought of seeing that look of disappointment is the worst feeling in the world.

Christi Nielsen said...

While I can understand why you do it, stop and think about it a little differently. We all have our preferences. Would you warn him that you are brunette for fear that he prefers blondes? Would you warn him that you are short for fear that he likes tall girls?

I think that sending him a warning is a bit demeaning to yourself. It sounds apologetic, which translates into insecurity. I know that's not something you wish to portray.

Anonymous said...

I don't know.

I've never been on a blind date, so I never felt I had to warn anyone about my appearance, but I did kind of do the same thing once.

The day after I met a wonderful boy, I thought I'd better tell him I have Asperger syndrome. I thought if he was freaked out, it had better happen before I fell too hard.

He said, "That's OK, I have something to tell you too... I have manic depression." (At that point, "bipolar" wasn't a widely used term.) That freaked me out a little, but not to the point of wanting to run away.

Long story short, we turned out to be perfect for each other, and are getting married later this year. Everyone has their troubles! I'm not saying it's always best to reveal everything from the beginning, but you might as well be open. Your appearance isn't something you can hide or radically change by Thursday...

Good luck, and I hope he is as nice as he seems.

PastaQueen said...

I've been thinking about trying online dating recently and I know if I do I'll mention that I am fat. Some guys are not into fat chicks and I figure it's better to know up front than to spend time prettying myself up for the date to go bad in the first 10 seconds.

However, I'll also spin it as positively as possible. There's no need to dis yourself. Just say something like "BTW, I am fairly overweight. If this is a problem, please tell me now so we both don't end up with a dating horror story." I definitely wouldn't say "BTW, I am so grossly overweight that helicopters land on me when I wear a Malcolm X t-shirt."

mainja said...

really, rather than sending a 'warning' email, send a pic. then you aren't saying 'i'm fat' but he can see it for himself.

but if i can't for some reason send a pic (if i'm not the phone for instance) i just say to the person, "okay well, i'll see you down there, i'm the short cute fat chick wearing the red shirt."

or something to that effect.

Anonymous said...

In this day and age of camera phones and digital phones all over the place, just send some pictures!

That's the easiest way for someone to judge for themselves.

Like you, I would rather have someone know up front what I look like, just as I would like to know what HE looks like! Attraction goes both ways.

I usually have a face shot on whatever profile I have up and then some other full body shots available. Usually those will be nice candids where I am laughing and having a good time with friends.

I have to say, it does kind of piss me off when dating sites have the body type boxes to check off and the only category I fit in is "overweight". Now, that is certainly true, but I think there are much more flattering ways to describe it! As Mainja said, I would like "cute fat chick" as one of the categories!!!!!!

andi

Anonymous said...

ooops! I meant to say "camera phones and digital cameras"

It's Monday morning! Sorry.

andi

Anonymous said...

I met my fella on an online dating site for men who like BBWs. There were some freaks on there but there were mostly lovely blokes who just like bigger girls!

I found it a good site because I didn't have to do the apologetic email and it turns out that for a fat bird I'm quite a looker! It was a lot of fun and good for the ego.

I've been with my guy for 2 1/2 years now so it worked for me.

Nana said...

I would have to say send the mail with a pic and while I wouldn't say, "I'm really fat." You could say something like, "As you can see, I like a sandwich now and then." That way you have addressed the fact that you are a BBW without making it sound negative. Have fun on Thursday!

M.E. said...

Hi (been lurking here for a little bit, but had to comment on this one)!

Okay...

I agree that "we" do it for self-preservation. But, that would mean that you are frightened of yourself, in a way. It is not really about the gentleman and his reaction, it is about your own feelings. But, that is something that is within your control and will be taken care of when you are ready.

I also agree that sending a picture would most likely be a better way to handle it.

Always go with honesty, but you need to also go with truthfulness within yourself. "Fat" doesn't define you. And does not -always- seal the deal when choosing partners. You are not being submitted for approval when you go on dates, although many fat women feel that way. It is about "clicking," and if you judge yourself the gentleman will do the same. Remember, he doesn't know you and will believe you when you say anything about yourself...positive or negative. So saying your a full and incredible and beautiful is much more tempting than stating that your are fat so take it or leave it.

Listen, I know this is a tough spot. When I was -very- overweight I encountered similar situations on dates. You can tell by their face, and, well, men are so frequently badly behaved. I always warned them...
...and I still did when after I got skinny. I would tell men that I "used to be really fat," as if they would like me more if they knew. Not true!!!
Be yourself. Stay true to yourself. Confidence, not fat or a pretty face is what gets it done.

I hope it all works out! I am looking forward to reading about the results! :)

Emily

Anonymous said...

i think emily hit the nail on the head.. along with many of you other chicks up there... and i would love to hear how you lost your weight if you dont mind sharing emily

Mindy said...

By all means, be honest, so that you aren't setting yourself up for embarrassment if the guy isn't into big girls. However, you shopuldn't send him an email that warns him that you're fat! That sounds horrible. There are ways to do it. You could just let him know that yea, you're thicker than most chicks, but don't make it an issue. B/c if he can tell it's an issue for you, then it'll become an issue for him.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, send him a picture. That takes care of everything, plus he'll be able to recognize you, therefore saving everyone the awkward "how will I recognize you" dance.

alice said...

Ditto to Mainja's approach - pic if possible, otherwise include it as one descriptor among many.

I haven't run into this in a while, but weight always was an issue that I wanted people to know about before things got too involved. Like being pagan and being bi, it was something that lots of folks weren't crazy about, and I figure it's best to deal with it early. However, with weight, any verbalization of it can end up sounding like an apology, which is a problem.

Yay for the cure fat chicks in red shirts, I say!

M.E. said...

In response to "anonymous'" question...

I started loosing weight by following the Weight Watcher's FlexPoints plan. But, before I gained weight, I was an athlete so I almost immediately fell into a strict workout routine. After I lost the first 50lbs, I went off of WW and used the skills the plan taught me to eat properly.

There was no miracle diet, there was a lifestyle change. That is the only way to do it.

I have lost 120lbs and have maintained for quite a while now. Life changes are vital.

Stop by my blog and drop me a line if you want more info or need support!! I write about weightloss issues and exercise a lot on there.

Thanks for asking!

Emily

Fat Mom On A Mission said...

Make sure he knows. I did the online dating thing and didn't do a very good job of describing myself before I went on a date. The look he gave me when he first saw me made me want to crawl under a rock. He was a total prick, but I could have avoided the whole situation by telling him I was fat. Atleast if you tell him online you don't have to see his reaction and if he doesn't respond to you - you can move on to someone that isn't fat-o-phobic. On the other hand - he may appreciate the honesty and that would be a wonderful start to a great relationship.

Kelly said...

Hmmmm...interesting question, to tell or not to tell. While I am all about honesty, I would never just come out and say, "Oh, BTW, I'm fat."

That being said, if we were talking via phone or e-mail and the person asked what I looked like I would tell them that I am short, shoulder length blonde hair, brown eyes, killer smile wearing (insert outfit here). If the person asks straight out what my body type is...I tell them then.

I have found that I was given an opportunity a couple of times to educate some men on the reality of being with a fat woman. That we can be sexy and fun, witty and smart. While he may not be into me because of how I looked, we always ended the night having had a fun time and being friends. Next time he and his buddies are out and one of them makes fun of a fat woman, that blind date guy is the one to speak and say "Hey man, that's just wrong."

Just my 2 cents.

danelle said...

Whatever you do, don't order a dry salad and pretend you never eat. Be yourself, and don't settle for someone you have to constantly impress.

After my divorce in 2000, I was freaking out. I was overweight, divorced with 3 kids and knew I would never find anyone who would accept me EVER. After I delved into the online dating world (I met 60 people in two years) it became apparent that the "good guys" fell for my confidence and my honesty far and above anything else. It didn't matter if one or two stopped seeing me because I was too fat, because there were plenty of others who liked me for me waiting in the wings.

I've been married for 16 months to a man I met online and have lost nearly all the weight I need to. (65 pounds last year).

So be honest and confident, send a decent picture of yourself beforehand, and just know in your heart that while some may reject you, those weren't the ones you wanted to be with anyway.

Meg said...

where does everyone do this said online dating? just curious as I'd like to look into it myself...

littlem said...

Meg, there's all sorts of personals sites tapped into the Spring Street Networks. Nerve, Salon, Esquire, and Rotten Tomatoes (where I joined!) - all dot-com - are all part of the same network. JMO, more interesting and open-minded people than you might find on match.com.

"Short cute fat chick wearing ..."
I like so much.

And L & E (and all y'all), do be aware that when you are happily engrossed in whatever cool thing you are doing, a cute smart man who knows about quantum physics can come to your table at the Barnes & Noble cafe, comment on what you're reading, and ask to join you after chatting you up and soothing your initial nervous feelings about aggressive men who approach you when you are just minding your business, and you can end up closing the cafe 'cause the convo is so interesting.

Happened to me just last night. Have a great time.

xo

floradoragirl37 said...

Hi,
I used to do some blind dating before I got with my fiance. I would let them know that I am full figured or curvy, or voluptuous, which sounds a lot better than "I'm really fat".
I think it's easier to get let down over the phone, rather than go to the date and the guy is rude or disinterested. I understand why you do it. I think that you can let him know you're plus without sounding self depreciating. Who knows? I have a lot of guy friends who love big girls and they are totally nice.
Good luck
flora

Bronwyn said...

If you mention that you're curvy or voluptuous, most men will immediately picture large breasts.

Anonymous said...

I think most people know "voluptuous" means "fat."

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog every once in a while and I wish you would switch from letting your weight bother you, make you self concious and ocasionally miserable...to either
1. accepting it along w/how people will invariably treat you OR
2. DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT!

You are clearly bright--use your intellect to *decide* to change your life and you will find the power to do so. Being a normal weight *will* change your life. Making a major change like this is very scary, but if you muster the courage to do it I bet you'll find the experience, results and confidence you'll gain from making the change very rewarding.

T. Comfyshoes said...

Hey, today is the day, right?

Crossing everything for you, and please tell how it goes! (And if he can't figure out what a fascinating and awesome person you are, is that a problem with you or a problem with him?)

laurie said...

I love your blog and I loved this post. I would have done the same thing you did, a "prep" email. I am terrified of the idea of online dating, ok who am I kidding -- dating in general -- and I hope your date goes well and ends on a smile.

Anonymous said...

I am dying to know how this date went!

...jus me said...

I agree that we are all protecting ourselves by wanting to give a warning...nobody likes rejection! It is much easier by email than to be rejected in person, but I agree with pastaqueen that we need to put it in a positive way! Good luck on Valentine's day! I remember in my single days! I have been happily married to my hubby for almost 10 years and yes, i was fat when we got married too! He does not care, but from a health standpoint would like to see me lose the weight. He is very supportive, and loves me either way! Love yourself! Then someone else can too!

Purl_Princess said...

How did the date go???

~loveme~ said...

Curious minds want to know!!

fatty mcgee said...

Well, the date never happened. I don't think it was because I am fat, but because he happens to be a possible crazy person. I mean, we never met, so I can't say for sure, but I feel pretty confident that he is not right in the head.

So, in conclusion "nice, smart, cute, and employed" is now just a partial list of qualities I am looking for. I apparently now have to specify SANE.

Sad.

T. Comfyshoes said...

That is really sad. I'm so sorry. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Go you for trusting your spidey senses.

Cheryl1961 said...

I always do the prep email. Just did one last week for someone I'll meet next week. Once, I did one to someone who had seen me perform in a play and an improv show and had seen my pic on the internet. Yet, when she met me, she exclaimed, "You're really huge!" I spent the night showing her that although I'm big, I'm awesome. It worked. We dated a few times after that. She wanted to keep seeing me, but I wasn't interested in someone so insensitive.

BTW, great blog.

Dating said...

Go you for trusting your spidey senses.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh this is exactly how I am! I am talking to a guy right now that I'm going to meet for the first time on Monday and I am SO nervous that when he sees that I'm fat he won't even like me anymore! I have been debating whether to tell him as well. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

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