Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Back and Much Fatter

How could I have ever complained about being fat before this cruise??? Whatever I was before sounds awesome compared to what I am now. 3 servings of food a day, each with 4 courses each, that's like, what? The equivalent to 80 meals a day. Not to mention the room service that had these amazing cookies. I could go on and on. But, I would say my favorite part of the cruise was the tureen of butter I was served, twice, when I devoured 4 lobster tails, on two separate occasions. Yummo.

Things I did on my cruise:

I wore a bathing suit in public. This wasn't that bad. I mean, it was bad, but things could have been a lot worse. Anyone who has ever been on a cruise knows what I'm talking about. It's like fatty nation there. I felt svelte compared to some I saw. I might move onto a cruise ship in order to feel like this forever.

But, I got a little cocky in my bathing suit. While at a resort in St. Thomas I was offered a free SCUBA lesson. Sounded great. If whales can be underwater, so could I. But, whales don't have to wear the SCUBA gear. I saw the equipment was too small immediately, but it was too late to refuse the instructors services. Instead, I tried to pretend it didn't fit because my boobs were too big. I showed him how it almost fit, and if my large boobs weren't so big, it would fit. I was coming from the logic of it's perfectly fine to have big tits, it's not okay to be fat. I went sort of like this:

"See Mr. SCUBA man, see...damn, I wish my boobs weren't so big so that I could learn to SCUBA dive...oh well."

Humiliation set in when he showed me that the equipment wasn't meant to fit around socially acceptable large boobs, it was meant to fit around my socially unacceptable fat belly. And it didn't fit. And he was embarrassed. And I was embarrassed. And that's all I have to say about that.

On my cruise I also wore a sleeveless shirt. This was a big deal for me. But, even surrounded by fatties much bigger than me, I still felt awkward and I don't think it's something that I could get used to. There is now also documentation that I wore a sleeveless shirt. I will do all I can to destroy this evidence.

On the topic of evidence, Carnival cruise lines is getting a letter. In another ploy to get you to spend more money, the cruise line video tapes all the goings-on on the ship, makes a vacation diary of it, packages and sells it to anyone willing to buy it. Things that are taped include all the ports you went to, some of the shows on the cruise, and the events they put on. Events they put on while people innocently try to get tan because darker skin makes you look slimmer and although they never get into a bathing suit they bravely did so thinking in no way would there be documentation of it that plays continuously on a loop in each stateroom to promote to all the other cruisers to buy this horrible idea of a cruise video diary! Whew. That was like a work out.


Speaking of working out, my cousin in law, who went on the cruise as well, is also getting a letter. Not really, but if I had the balls I would. Note to all the skinny folk out there: Don’t ask fat people on a seven day eating binge if they want to go work out on the ships gym. Don’t tell then how you ran up a hill for 45 minutes. Don’t discuss how when all of you get back we’re going to work out as a family. And don’t comment that lobster tastes just as good without the butter! It doesn’t. I’ve tried. Once.

5 comments:

mainja said...

hmmm. i've been thinking i might want to go on a cruise, maybe this is just the insentive i need... *grin*

emily pound said...

sounds like you had a pretty good time. it's good that there were a lot of other fat people around so you didn't feel too obtrusive. welcome back!

hopefulloser said...

yay you're back!

i'm a vegetarian now but back in the day lobster was a good vehicle for butter. now I use bread, crackers, pasta, and my fingers. that's all most things really amount to... just a vehicle for butter.

Anonymous said...

i hate cruises!!!! just can't stop thinking of the scene in the end of titanic... its so sad ! actually come to think of it thats the only scene in titanic ive seen... that and the opening credits ...

but i would totally go if there was no ocean part involved. gym privilages!

Anonymous said...

i hate cruises!!!! just can't stop thinking of the scene in the end of titanic... its so sad ! actually come to think of it thats the only scene in titanic ive seen... that and the opening credits ...

but i would totally go if there was no ocean part involved. gym privilages!