Friday, August 12, 2005

Fat Girl Loses Tampon, Finds Missing Pork Chop

This is an entirely true story (Except for the second half of the title...)

Though I love and cherish them now, I came to use tampons late in life. In fact it was last year, and I was 23, when I first inserted a tampon and left in in for more then 4 minutes. Perhaps it was because up to that point I had only has sex with women, and had just recently had a penis fully inserted into my vagina, that I had shunned the majesty and brilliance of the tampon. But more than likely, it was because I am fat, and I have always had a theory that fat girls and tampons don't mix. But, last year I came to see that I was wrong, and I have been faithfully, and without incident, been using tampax pearls for a year now. Without incident, that is, until last week...

In the middle of last week, on one of the last days of my period, I went to remove the junior size tampon and discovered that it wasn't there! I freaked out a little bit, and then decided that it must have fallen into the toilet while I was peeing ... after all it was a junior size.

About an hour later I started getting really paranoid, after all, wouldn't I have seen it in the bowl if it had fallen out? And why had it fallen out in the first place? I called the help line on the tampax box, primarily used by teenage girls and pre-teen crank callers, but found to my dismay that they were closed for the night!

I decided to go searching... I virtually stuck my entire hand up my vaginal canal, blindly poking around and feeling for my missing tampon like, well, like a fat kid searches for goodies in a dark kitchen late at night.

And let me tell you, for a fat girl to contort her body into a position so that getting her whole hand up her own vagina is possible is no small task. I laid on my bed, squatted, got in a ballet like position with my leg on the wall over my head. Those early gymnastics and yoga lessons sure paid off.

And yet, I still couldn't find my missing tampon. I was almost sure that it wasn't up there, but being "almost" sure that something isn't lodged against your cervix inside your snatch is pretty much just NOT good enough.

So I decided that someone needed to check it out for me. My amazing friend Juliana volunteered to come over with some hair dying gloves and take a peek up inside my "hole", as she called it, so I would calm down. And though I love her for volunteering, and actually meaning it, I decided to go to Planned Parenthood the next day.

My trepidations about going to Planned Parenthood involve things that skinny and normal weight people never ever have to think about when visiting a doctor: 1) Telling them how much I weigh, 2) Having to wear a tiny smock like garment that would cover 1/4 of my body and still rip 3) Having to hear that this happened because I am fat 4) Listening to the same lecture about how I am too fat and 5) Letting some skinny nurse or doctor look at my none too smooth inner thighs as they stick their fingers in my vagina.

Of course, I am an idiot and told the nurse who asked that I didn't know and didn't want to know how much I weighed, instead of just making something up so she could write it down. I was marched into the busy waiting room and weighed in front of everyone in there!! But that was the worst part of the entire visit. I picked out the fat nurse with a kind face, and decided if I didn't get her, I was going to walk out. And amazingly, she called me into her room. She was awesome and comforting and seriously made me feel so much better. I think her name was Nurse Abigail, and I would just like to say that she is my nominee for the Fat Woman of the Year award.

And do you know what Nurse Abigail told me that made me feel so so so much better and not like the biggest spaz that ever lived? She told me that she was glad I came in then, because earlier in the day another girl came in complaining of strange mucus in her vagina, and that when nurse Abigail faithfully delved into her pussy to check things out, she found a tampon that had been in their for an entire MONTH!!! Yes folks, you heard me right, and entire month. Nurse Abigail had to shut the room down for 3 hours because it smelled so badly after she had gone.

And in the end, it turned out that I really am just a paranoid Jew, and there was no menacing tampon lost in my vagina (though after hearing about the other girl's story I am sooo glad I had it checked out). And though Nurse Abigail must have thought I was insane for asking, the girl with the tampon inside her for a month was .... SKINNY!!!! So there.

16 comments:

Mr. W said...

It's stories like those... that make me thank God that I'm a guy.

Augustus said...

It's funny...the nurse at my doctor's office is very short and very fat. She's also awesome...I think fat folks are less judgmental than skinny people. I no longer feel bad about weighing at the doctor's office!

On my last visit I was alone there with the staff and they were chowing down take out Mexican food. I asked the nurse if the doctor gave them a hard time. She said, "yeah, he used to, but he realized pretty quick that a good fat nurse is much better than a shitty skinny nurse!" I agree.

Judy said...

That has so happened to me. But I went to Emergency, not PP, and it was mere hours before my 10 year highschool reunion. As if I wasn't nervy enough that day! Turns out there wasn't anything in there- I want to know how they just "fall out on their own".

Princess said...

You did it, you won my heart! You two are so fucking funny! Thank you

Nana said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nana said...

I have got to say that people need to watch out for the big girls!" A big girl myself, I just discovered your blog and I LOVE IT! The blog is witty, so true and some truly diva-esqe stuff. Good lookin' out!!

Ducky said...

Hi! I just came across your blog via The Pretty Pear. Anyway, I think you two are hilarious.

On a side note, I have a skinny friend who lost a tampon for THREE MONTHS!!! It almost killed her. How does that happen?!?!? She explained the circumstances and I still don't get it...

Gypsy said...

You so made me laugh! I can picture exactly what was happening! You completely won my heart in that one! So glad you went in! And had the guts to write about it!

hopefulloser said...

When I was younger I got toxic shock from leaving one in a couple of days (not lost). I haven't worn them since.

Your site is great! You asked me to mention it on mine so I did.
http://www.hopefulloser.com/archives/2005/08/good_reads.html

Please update regularly because I've read all of your previous posts (in one sitting!). I loved it and you've left me wanting more!

Keep up the great work!
~hopeful

Kim said...

I love your story. I also happed to work for PP and have been promoting issues around size acceptance in order to ensure better care of all of our patients. I would like to share your story since you so aptly convey alot of the concerns that might prevent fat chock from getting the health care they need.

Cheers!

Kelly said...

Excellent! I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!

you grrls are great! keep up the awesome job!

SnakeLady said...

Some of us, when going to the bathroom, can purposely "expel" tampons (so we don't have to go fishing (uh, no pun intended) for the string).

I learned by accident, that I could do that. Very handy talent to have, especially as a "big girl."

connie said...

Kind of on the same page, I was on a date with a guy, he had a smallish penish and the condom fell off during sex..INSIDE OF ME! I was a lot thinner then but it was still very hard to reach in and pull it out. I searched. He searched. We searched. After several long moments of panick, a squat of the toilet, and some crying later, I was finally able to retrieve the condom.

I was dreading the trip to planned parenthood the next day if we were going to be unable to retrieve it. I feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

When's your book coming out?

I'll buy it!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you
I have just recently not been able to find my tampon i searched it wasn't there. I am no heavy. but somehow it must have came out. Looked and searched the same as you. I was worried where could it have gone. So this helps me it isn't there. Glad to hear others have had the same experience. I have almost decided to just use pads after all these years.

sarah said...

God knows how I vcame across your blog but I love it! Im in the UK and have just sent it to one of my friends here so I think you may have a few more readers soon!