This is an entirely true story (Except for the second half of the title...)
Though I love and cherish them now, I came to use tampons late in life. In fact it was last year, and I was 23, when I first inserted a tampon and left in in for more then 4 minutes. Perhaps it was because up to that point I had only has sex with women, and had just recently had a penis fully inserted into my vagina, that I had shunned the majesty and brilliance of the tampon. But more than likely, it was because I am fat, and I have always had a theory that fat girls and tampons don't mix. But, last year I came to see that I was wrong, and I have been faithfully, and without incident, been using tampax pearls for a year now. Without incident, that is, until last week...
In the middle of last week, on one of the last days of my period, I went to remove the junior size tampon and discovered that it wasn't there! I freaked out a little bit, and then decided that it must have fallen into the toilet while I was peeing ... after all it was a junior size.
About an hour later I started getting really paranoid, after all, wouldn't I have seen it in the bowl if it had fallen out? And why had it fallen out in the first place? I called the help line on the tampax box, primarily used by teenage girls and pre-teen crank callers, but found to my dismay that they were closed for the night!
I decided to go searching... I virtually stuck my entire hand up my vaginal canal, blindly poking around and feeling for my missing tampon like, well, like a fat kid searches for goodies in a dark kitchen late at night.
And let me tell you, for a fat girl to contort her body into a position so that getting her whole hand up her own vagina is possible is no small task. I laid on my bed, squatted, got in a ballet like position with my leg on the wall over my head. Those early gymnastics and yoga lessons sure paid off.
And yet, I still couldn't find my missing tampon. I was almost sure that it wasn't up there, but being "almost" sure that something isn't lodged against your cervix inside your snatch is pretty much just NOT good enough.
So I decided that someone needed to check it out for me. My amazing friend Juliana volunteered to come over with some hair dying gloves and take a peek up inside my "hole", as she called it, so I would calm down. And though I love her for volunteering, and actually meaning it, I decided to go to Planned Parenthood the next day.
My trepidations about going to Planned Parenthood involve things that skinny and normal weight people never ever have to think about when visiting a doctor: 1) Telling them how much I weigh, 2) Having to wear a tiny smock like garment that would cover 1/4 of my body and still rip 3) Having to hear that this happened because I am fat 4) Listening to the same lecture about how I am too fat and 5) Letting some skinny nurse or doctor look at my none too smooth inner thighs as they stick their fingers in my vagina.
Of course, I am an idiot and told the nurse who asked that I didn't know and didn't want to know how much I weighed, instead of just making something up so she could write it down. I was marched into the busy waiting room and weighed in front of everyone in there!! But that was the worst part of the entire visit. I picked out the fat nurse with a kind face, and decided if I didn't get her, I was going to walk out. And amazingly, she called me into her room. She was awesome and comforting and seriously made me feel so much better. I think her name was Nurse Abigail, and I would just like to say that she is my nominee for the Fat Woman of the Year award.
And do you know what Nurse Abigail told me that made me feel so so so much better and not like the biggest spaz that ever lived? She told me that she was glad I came in then, because earlier in the day another girl came in complaining of strange mucus in her vagina, and that when nurse Abigail faithfully delved into her pussy to check things out, she found a tampon that had been in their for an entire MONTH!!! Yes folks, you heard me right, and entire month. Nurse Abigail had to shut the room down for 3 hours because it smelled so badly after she had gone.
And in the end, it turned out that I really am just a paranoid Jew, and there was no menacing tampon lost in my vagina (though after hearing about the other girl's story I am sooo glad I had it checked out). And though Nurse Abigail must have thought I was insane for asking, the girl with the tampon inside her for a month was .... SKINNY!!!! So there.