Monday, August 15, 2005

Small Clothes, Big Fat

My wardrobe deficiency and clothing in general have been on my mind lately for a few reasons. First of all, I am going on a cruise (I'll tell you much more about that in a later post). And second of all, I have had a few too many close encounters with tiny clothing in the past few weeks:

Laura came over last week after going to the gym, she does this on occasion. She goes to the gym after work; I stop by Jim’s BBQ to get a sandwich for dinner (they have excellent sauce). Laura changed, used my shower, and showed me how many times my towel wraps around her tiny waist (while I can barely cover myself in it). Then, she made the mistake of leaving her work out T-shirt at my house. I’m (generally) a nice girl, so I put her dirty tiny shirt in the washer so when I gave it back to her, like I had planned to, it would be clean. I threw her shirt in the washer and didn't think about it again. On Friday I looked in the dryer and found a load of the rags our housekeeper uses to clean the toilets, floors and whatnot. And in the pile of rags was Laura’s shirt.

I understand why my housekeeper though that Laura's tiny shirt was a rag. After all, it’s about the size of a hanker chief. No way could anyone in my household fit into it. I know I'm a spiteful friend, but instead of telling Laura what happened, I might just give it back to her and say nothing ... just reaping the pleasure of seeing her in that shirt again, knowing that it cleaned my toilet. Fat girl revenge can be an ugly thing, but she gets to be skinny, so I take my pleasure where I can get it.

I mean Laura just doesn't get it. Take my latest trip to Old Navy. I recently ordered a lot of clothes online and in various sizes so I could try different things on. Old Navy has a plus size dept and it’s either hit or miss with them (refer to my letter to Lane Bryant who I still have not heard back from). I bought about $400 worth of clothing and was returning about $300. So, I went up to the cashier, handed him my 3X and 2X returns and he rang it all up.

I was wondering around the store looking for more clothes I could buy and return later when Laura called me. She had recently seen a pair of pants she wanted, and asked if I could buy them for her. At this point in our friendship, Laura should know that I HATE wandering into the "normal" size section of clothing stores ... especially when I am by myself because I look literally crazy. I feel like I am there just to make the women who are only 10 or 15 lbs bigger than the ideal body weight feel better about themselves. After all, it's a lot easier to be happy about being a size 14 when there is a size 24 girl wandering down the same isle. Perhaps because I felt bad about the toilet shirt I was going to give back to her, I decided to get her the pants she wanted.

I ended up in front of the same cashier who had just accepted my $300 worth of size 22 and XXXL fat girl's clothing returns. Dumbfounded is the only word to describe his face. Yes, I had just returned a large load (pun intended), of fat girl clothes and was now purchasing a size EXTRA SMALL pants.

He stared at me for a good 10 seconds. He had every reason to.

I stared right back at him, smiled, and said: “I’ve got high hopes.”

11 comments:

Ducky said...

Hehehe. Thank you. I needed that today.

I love to wander in all sections when I go to Old Navy. People look at me like, "Ooooh. The fat girl's lost. Somebody help her."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all the good laughs - we had company over tonight and I actually read a couple of your posts aloud while sitting around a fire. Hard up for interesting conversation? No, I just wanted to share with my friends what I think is clever, entertaining stuff. So now you have a handful of new readers!

Anonymous said...

The last line today almost killed me!

Oh, I'm so happy I stumbled across this! I have not laughed so hard about being fat in a LONG time!!

hopefulloser said...

Yay, I feel like I've been waiting all day for that!

thanks,
hopeful

TSC Girl said...

I once wandered into the Junior dept and the saleswoman asked me if I would like to try anything on? Suuure, can we take 2 of this skirt and sew them together??

But really, what goes around comes around. Two of my skinny friends once tried to shop for me for my bday in Lane Bryant and they were politely asked to leave since "I don't think this store is appropriate for young ladies like yourselves". They were inscensed at being treated that way (and rightfully so) but I thought it was hilarious!

DK said...

Have you ever been told in a skinny girl store that; "The earrings and scarves are over here.." ?

Anonymous said...

I'm trolling through your archives and LOVE EVERY POST! You girls are hilarious!
I can relate to almost every single thing you write about, and your sense of humor is fantastic!

Anonymous said...

I'm trolling through your archives and LOVE EVERY POST! You girls are hilarious!
I can relate to almost every single thing you write about, and your sense of humor is fantastic!

Anonymous said...

I'm trolling through your archives and LOVE EVERY POST! You girls are hilarious!
I can relate to almost every single thing you write about, and your sense of humor is fantastic!

Anonymous said...

i think if a shop is going to have plus size, they shouldnt have a whole different department for it. Its like, mens and childrens clothes are different, different departments, shoes and scarves are different, different departments, but its not like being fat means you have to shop in whole different section... i buy size 2's and its not like i have to shop in a whole different section
its not fair!
i love your blog it is blood hilarious and all those fat bashers can go to hell
xxxx

Anonymous said...

He stared at me for a good 10 seconds. He had every reason to.

(Oh, no, he didn't.)

Two of my skinny friends once tried to shop for me for my bday in Lane Bryant and they were politely asked to leave since "I don't think this store is appropriate for young ladies like yourselves".

These are both examples of rude, bad service on the part of the incredibly brilliant and well-paid fashion executives whose job it is to push the buttons on the cash register. (I am NOT demeaning people who work retail; just those who are crappy at it. The good ones -- who are awesome, and perform a public service while putting up with a lot of hooey -- would not insult their customers, be they "too" thin or "too" fat.)