Thursday, August 04, 2005

Fatty Loves An ED

I've been waiting for this night all of my life. Since the evening of losing my virginity, I haven't waited for a night so much. Tonight is the premiere of Starved on FX. I cannot express how excited I am. I’ve been waiting for a show about eating disorders since I was a wee child. Poor, poor Lindsey. She doesn't have cable. Sucker.

For those of you who don't know, Starved is a humorous look at eating disorders. Yes, I think eating disorders are funny, too.

I'm basically the shows demographic. I'm fat and I love eating disorders. I especially love watching them on TV. I personally feel that growing up, watching eating disorders on TV shaped me into the fat ass I am today.

Listed below are my top 3 favorite eating disorders ever depicted on television:

3. Calista Flockhart as Mary-Margaret in HBO's "Life Stories: Families in Crisis". Can I point out throwing up in jars and hiding them in your closet? Can I point out eating in the back seat of a Volvo station wagon in the middle of the woods so no one catches you? Can I point out Mary-Margaret’s roommate boasting that she only ate air popped popcorn during Christmas break and got rid of it as soon as possible? Yes I can. And boy is it good.

Lesson Learned: Don't hide your vomit filled jars in your closet because your mother will find them and send you to a therapist who will refer to your binging as "episodes".

2. DJ on Full House in the episode, "Shape Up". What's better than Joey's "Cut It out" or Uncle Jesse's hair? DJ thinking she's fat and therefore going on a diet. Poor DJ. She's been asked to a pool party, my worst fear. I felt for her, I really did. She couldn't try samples of Uncle Jesse's wedding cake. She had to pretend to make herself a sandwich to prove she was fine and ended up feeding it to her dog, Comet. Her father refers to her cheeks as "Charlie Brown" cheeks. She passes out while working out hardcore style on the stair master. This girl was a wreck until Daddy Danny told her she was beautiful. Aww. My dad just tells me to pull my shirt down in the back because my fat ass is showing.

Lesson Learned: How to make ice cube popsicles. Ingredients: Water. Supplies: Ice cube tray, popsicle sticks. Take water and poor it into ice cube tray. Place popsicle sticks in. Put in freezer for 3 hours. Ta DA! Ice cube popsicles.

1. Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210. Now, I love Kelly. I still talk about her as if she was a real person. Kelly taught me many things while growing up, but most importantly, she taught me at the young age of 13 that all I had to do to be beautiful was take diet pills. Kelly's problems stemmed from a childhood scarred by modeling and a masseuse that had recently told her that she was going to work on her "problem areas". Yes, Kelly had problem areas. I personally feel they were her thighs, but that's just my opinion. So, how does Kelly react to this realization that she has problem areas? She takes diet pills. So, what did I do? I rummaged through my mother's drawers and found myself some diet pills. 4 days and 2lbs later, I had Kelly Taylor to thank. I was beautiful.

Lesson Learned: Always eat on the day of your 18th birthday because if you don't, the combination of starvation and diet pills will make you pass out on the floor of the ladies room at the Peach Pit, and who knows if Nat actually cleans the ladies room.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fatty - I like your syle. You sure do write funny. Keep it up (no pun intended).

GoBetty said...

DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

Haystacks said...

I know it is wrong, but I laughed my ass off (unfortuantly, not my stomach)