Yawn...

The following is a comment we got this morning...if you haven't already read it...take a looksy:

I've been a frequent reader of this blog for a while, finding it funny, touching and interesting. But lately I haven't check it much because of the attn whores, looser trolls that are annoying and repulsive, having nothing better to do than state to online strangers what they wouldn't dare to say to strangers on the street.

I've also grown a bit tired of the fatty girls, not of them exactly, I should say, but of their obsessiveness and then their whining and their pessimism towards their goals. I don't believe in diets, I believe that fat can indeed equal healthy, I also believe that one should do with one's body what one wants. But with the fatties...yeah, it's come to a point where I've said: Enough.

And it came today, upon seeing the amount of disrespect some of their brightest fans endured - upon seeing how the McGees have allowed trolls and regular a*holes to leave their crap all over the comments section.

Shame on you McGees. Shame on you for disrespecting your readers this way, for allowing pathetic nothing-better-going-on-in-their-life trolls to poop all the place, for allowing disrespect of this nature.

Your credibility has seriously been dwindling with every whine and moan after your binges. Your credibility I think took a serious toll after you allowed pathetic posters to run away with the comments section.

Good Job.

You've lost one more of your faithful readers, but are left with about 10 new trolls. Your logic and loyalty is as good as your diets.

And what do I, Emily, have to say about this? YAWN. And now, I will make my rebuttal!

I've been a frequent reader of this blog for a while, finding it funny, touching and interesting. But lately I haven't check it much because of the attn whores, looser trolls that are annoying and repulsive, having nothing better to do than state to online strangers what they wouldn't dare to say to strangers on the street.

Funny, touching and interesting...stop it, you're making me blush!

I've also grown a bit tired of the fatty girls, not of them exactly, I should say, but of their obsessiveness and then their whining and their pessimism towards their goals. I don't believe in diets, I believe that fat can indeed equal healthy, I also believe that one should do with one's body what one wants. But with the fatties...yeah, it's come to a point where I've said: Enough.

I can do with my body what I want to? Thanks...appreciate it...and my body has chosen to have a blog with my best friend where I can laugh, tell funny stories and sometimes, yes, sometimes, complain about crap. Show me the person who doesn't complain about something and I will buy them diamonds! Fancy!

And it came today, upon seeing the amount of disrespect some of their brightest fans endured - upon seeing how the McGees have allowed trolls and regular a*holes to leave their crap all over the comments section.

Allowing trolls and regular assholes to leave crap all over comment sections eh? Hmm...well, I guess showing others enough respect to express their opinions, even if they don't reciprocate that same respect back, is a bad thing? From now on, I will never let Republicans, Scientologists or Marxists ever tell me their opinions...because certainly I have now learned that if you don't agree with something, erase it and ban it!

Shame on you McGees. Shame on you for disrespecting your readers this way, for allowing pathetic nothing-better-going-on-in-their-life trolls to poop all the place, for allowing disrespect of this nature.

Seriously now...really? Shame on us? Because we were the ones who fed the trolls? We honestly have just tried to just ignore them...by not acknowledging them. Yes, sometimes, (ie The Tucker Max Escapade), we do play along...but, come on. Sometimes, even though they lack the same respect that we feel we all obtain, they spark interesting conversations and if you don't want hear it, don't read the comment section or just ignore what they have to say...they will go away. Though, don't you find it funny that they read a blog about being fat, when they hate fatties? I just know they are writing that mean stuff with tube of cookie dough in their hand...I just know it!

Your credibility has seriously been dwindling with every whine and moan after your binges. Your credibility I think took a serious toll after you allowed pathetic posters to run away with the comments section.

Credibility? As what? Fat girls? Because, besides having lives, that's what we are...fat girls...and you know what comes with the life of a fat girl, at least in our case, binges, bad days, days where we don't like ourselves because we chose to eat a burger instead of going for a walk. And what do I call that? I call that REAL. I call that life. I do call that credibility as fat, 20 something year old girls trying to live their life the best way they know how to at this point. As far as the comments section running amok, well, we don't control the comment sections...those are for comments...we control the part where we write little diddies about our personal lives. Oy!

Good job.

Thanks!

You've lost one more of your faithful readers, but are left with about 10 new trolls. Your logic and loyalty is as good as your diets.

Well, that does make us sad. We don't want to lose readers...because we like you. All of you. Even the mean trolls who shouldn't be so mean. We're full of love. Hey, maybe we're not fat with fat, we're fat with love!

Basically, we do apologize if people get their feelings hurt here. It is not the intention of this blog. I wish the comments were nicer, that people who have no interest in what we write would find a blog that suits their needs more, but we can't control that, and we're not about to censor people. So, to the trolls, feel free to express your opinions any way you would like, but think twice about the type of person you are being when you tell people, who you obviously don't agree with, that they are fat and that they are losers.

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names will never hurt us because, and I truly believe this, we're all pretty good people, and ideally, that is all that should matter.

The Biggest Losers

Last nights season finale of the Biggest Loser was, to say the least, amazing. That girl Poppi made me do a triple take. Erik was a completely different person and Brian, well, he's about to border into manorexia land (I thought he was hot as a fat man by the way). It was the best two hours I've had in a while. And, of course, (and this happens after every episode of the Biggest Loser), it made me want to go to the gym and start sweating. Will I? Probably not. Though, I like to think that I will one day.

Lindsey and I talk about the Biggest Loser often and we also talk about auditioning for the show. And, the reason we don't is very simple...we know we'd have an excellent chance of making it on the show. As many of you state in the comments section...those who aren't too busy making other's feel badly that is...we'd be awesome on the Biggest Loser. And, we would. We're funny, charismatic... I know that I could throw down some of the biggest excuses in Biggest Loser history to good old Bob the Trainer.

I also want to be pushed like that. I want to have nothing to do all day except train and count calories. I would love to focus 100% of my energy into changing my life. But, it's not practical for us at the moment life and job wise. And, well, there's that whole part about being on National TV.

I got to give it to the contestants for exposing themselves the way they do. I do not know how they gather the courage to look like fat pigs on television. Ever notice how at the beginning of the show the women have to wear sports bra tops exposing their huge bellies. Then, at the end of the show when they're skinny they can cover it all up? I don't need John Smith from high school seeing me at that state, even if I get hot looking at the end.

I know, it's all stupid, BS excuses I'm throwing out at you. Pretty pathetic. But, the truth is, we don't have the guts to do...no pun intended.

So, I ask all of you...our readers...send letters to NBC and The Biggest Loser and have them contact us.

MAKE US HAVE THE GUTS! (The good kind!)

The Double (X) Standard

Most days, work days that is, I gather enough energy to put myself together and look nice and presentable. On the weekends, I'm lucky to get my bra on. I just don't like having to look nice on the weekends. It's the weekend for heaven's sake, let me relax.

I guess the thing that bothers me most about being fat is the double standards. This is in no way saying I don't like skinny girls (and we, here at Fatty Mcblog, definitely don't think that every girl who is skinny has an eating disorder...that's just dumb logic), or that skinny girls have perfect lives...but skinny girls can do one thing us fatties can't and it's really the only thing that bothers me...they can dress like hobos and it's chic. I dress like a hobo and well, I'm just a fat hobo.

Mary-Kate and Ashley drape themselves in fabric and it's boho chic. Girls in Beverly Hills wear very loose sweatpants and t-shirts with holes in them and go eat at the Ivy. I wear sweatpants and a shirt with holes in it and I'm just a fatty who is dirty and uncouth.

It's just not fair. I just wanted to say that. I'm done now.

The Best Thing I Have Ever Seen

Living in Los Angeles, there is basically a mall 10 minutes from wherever you are. It's quite convenient. But, there is only one mall in particular that, I feel, basically caters to fat girls. That mall is The Fox Hills Mall. It's a little out of my way, but it's worth it. And there is little possibility of me running into people I know there, so, that's a bonus.

There is an Old Navy that has a fat girl section and there is a Lane Bryant, which is great, but they also have fat girl stores that sell, well, slutty fat girl apparel. Not exactly my style, but I have to admit how fun it is to see the girls trying things on. I personally feel like I'm exposing too much if I'm wearing a V neck t-shirt, but that's just me. (Read: Prude).

A couple of weeks ago I went there to: A. Return an online order mistake from Old Navy and B. Get dinner from this Mongolian BBQ place inside the mall. So, I was just minding my own business, waiting at my table in the food court while my meal was being prepared. Two women sat down at the table next to me with their food and started to eat. They were both bigger girls and we smiled at each other.

Then the best thing I have ever seen walked by.

A man, who couldn't be taller than 5'6 and couldn't weigh less than 350lbs walked by with a woman on his arm. She was, to put it nicely, a very large girl with a very little top on...not to mention a very little skirt just like one of the girls in those slutty fat girl stores I mentioned above. Like I said, I have no problem whatsoever with this look, it's just not for me and honestly, I think it's fun watch. They obviously were girlfriend/boyfriend and his hand was very much on her rear end.

Now, why is this the best thing I have ever seen? I'll tell you. The man had the following written on his shirt:

NO FAT CHICKS

As soon as this caught my eye my jaw hit the floor. This was hilarious. I'm so angry Lindsey wasn't there to see this with me. So, I did the next best thing. I looked at the girls next to me to see if they had seen what I had, and they did. You could tell they couldn't believe their eyes. And, this prompted one of the ladies to say to me, "Oh my God. Did you see that?", to me, a perfect stranger. Yes, lady, yes I did.

Sadly, my food order was ready and it was time for me to depart. Depart, but not forget.

Brownies or Divorce: You Decide!

I watch a lot of crap TV dealing with weight loss. Lindsey got me hooked on that I Lost It and everyday at 3:30 in the morning, my little DVR goes off and saves a 1/2 hour of escapism for me. Not to mention my love for The Biggest Loser and all the other fat to thin shows there are out there. And, like always, there is always something that really bothers me. This time, that something is the wife/husband relationship.

I've always figured in my messed up little head that some day I would lose a ton of weight, meet a man and get married. Seldom do I think I'm going to meet a man looking the way I do right now, at least not a man worth marrying. I know that's not a very optimistic thing to say, but hey, I'm being honest. But, then I realize that even though I'm more than likely going to tell this man that at one point in my life I weighed more than a linebacker on the Raiders, there is still a possibility of me getting big again. He'll then say that he'll love me no matter what I look like, but it will be a lie.

A common thread I have seen in these weight loss shows is the fact that the husband marries a thin/thinner lady and then 25 years later ends up married to an obese woman. The husbands usually end up losing interest in their wives, sleeping in other rooms claiming the bed in the guest bedroom is better for their back, but telling the cameras that he was just not attracted to his wife anymore. That she made him disgusted and embarrassed. Yeah, I think they're asses too.

In the relationships I've been in I've lost lots of weight. Call it being uncomfortable eating in front of a boyfriend or whatever, it's just a silly fact about my life. But, knowing this has me think that I must marry a man that has seen me at my fattest, has loved me at my fattest and who knew me at my fattest. Therefore, if I lost weight, great...if I gain it back, that's okay too because he's seen me fat and obviously, liked something about me fat.

Is this possible though? Can marrying someone, at least for me, be the ultimate diet of them all? And here is a question to all of you: If you are married or in a relationship, what does your man or woman think of your weight? Were you big when you met? Has your body changed and what do they think of that change?

And We're Back

So, these past two weeks haven't been the best. Lindsey started a job that basically has her working 7 days a week from 8 to 8...good thing about that is her office is above a really good diner. Bad news is that my father, at a young age, passed away and I have been dealing with that. It was sudden and horrible and I'm still very looney from the whole thing, but people have been bringing over food by the tons, so that's nice. And that got me thinking about just how comforting food is and the traditions that are situated around food.

All holidays have food involved, unless you're a Jew like me and can't eat on yom kippur, but then it's all about breaking the fast, so I guess it's about food after all. Food plays such a vital role in life it's amazing and the comfort it brings during such sorrow times is something that I will never put down.

During the first few days following my father's passing I couldn't bring myself to eat. The few bites I would take sat heavy in my stomach. It just felt wrong to enjoy anything while my father, who enjoyed food with a passion, wasn't able any longer to enjoy it and to me, food lost all meaning. But, just as fast as my hunger disappeared, it came back with a vengeance and the amazing pastries and deli platters crept back into my life. It still feels wrong though.

My father was an amazing man who loved to cook, but most importantly, he loved to feed those around him. I don't know what I'm going to do without my father around...probably lose 50 or so pounds...eh, maybe not.

Wanna Talk About Fat?

I'm in a state of conflict. A hypocritical one at that. I was recently on the shuttle at work when a larger girl, who I don't know, made a comment to me that in reality, wasn't rude. If Lindsey had said it to me I wouldn't have even thought about it twice, but when this probably nice, fatish lady who I don't know personally made a comment about how they just don't know how to make bras for "us larger girls", I was in a state of shock.

I'm all for keeping it real. And, when I make comments about my fatness to others, it's okay, because they are my comments about my fatness, but when someone says it to you in a total surprising way, it throws you off a little bit.

What is it about fat girls, some, not all, that makes it okay for them to say fat things to other fat girls. It's one thing if it's your friend, but to a stranger, I don't know. And I'll admit it, I've done the same thing probably more than once, like the time I told Lindsey's friend Aimee some semi-retarded theory I once had about fat girls and tampons. I might have said something along the lines that most fat girls I knew wore maxi-pads instead of tampons and if there was some sort of connection. Neither Lindsey or I wear maxi-pads but that's besides the point. This girl looked at me like, "did you just classify me in your fat group?" I've felt a little bad about ever since, and this was over 4 years ago, but I digress.

I know there is a certain bond between fat girls that not one of you can deny. It's a bit of a sisterhood, a sorority of you'd like and sisters should be able to be open with their sisters, but there is a line that should not be crossed. If a woman fatter than me made a comment that put us in the same group, of course I would think, "Hey lady, I'm like, smaller...sort of...back off". But, should I feel this way? Should I embrace the fat sisterhood for all it's worth and not look back?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that fat girls feel it's okay to talk about their fatness with other fatties and I guess that I'm strangely for and against it all at once. Though, and I'd like to point out, I have yet to see a skinny girl go up to a skinny girl and lament or glorify aspects of their skinnydom...or have I just not been paying attention?

She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie big ol' black bathing suit

I am leaving for a 2 week cruise in a few weeks and I am really excited about the trip, but I have put off the bathing suit issue for as long as I can...and it's time I come to a decision and purchase a new bathing suit, or swim naked on the ship.

I enjoyed my old suit. It was black and a halter and totally nondescript. It didn't look great on me, but it didn't make things worse. Unfortunately I somehow spilled bleach on it, so I am on the hunt for a new one. I don't expect bathing suit miracles because my body isn't pretty, so I tend to stick to simple shapes, dark colors, and no frills. I am an hourglass shape with all of my weight in my boobs and belly, so the little skirted suits don't hide much for me.

I was thinking about purchasing my suit from this store, Swimsuitsforall. Have any of you purchased a suit from this site before? I have found that some of the other sites that sell plus size bathing suits have generally poor quality clothes, so I am going to trust that an estore which only sells bathing suits has better quality merchandise.

These are a few I am considering:



Any thoughts on these? Let me know which one you guys like of these six options, or go to Swimsuitsforall and pick out another one. This is like group shopping! Maybe I should stick with all black as usual...

I Lost It!

As many if you know, I will watch and/or read just about anything relating to fat people. And I just found a new show thanks to the amazing invention known as tivo!

Monday through Friday my tivo records for me a show called "I Lost It!". It's on the Discovery Health Channel and it's basic format consists of chronicling the stories of two people who have had weight related issues and the different ways they dealt with their issues and their weight. It's pretty sappy and there is a makeover portion where they get new clothes for their new bodies (in my opinion the new clothes are often really ugly), but I can deal with a little bit of cheesiness.

I discovered this show late last week so I have only seen a few episodes so far, but I am really enjoying the stories. I think a lot of fat people think that when and if they ever lose weight suddenly their lives will magically be better and all the obstacles in their way will suddenly disappear...and I know it's bullshit. But in many ways it's hard not to hold onto that hope because even though I know my life would definitely not be perfect if I lost weight, it's hard to imagine that many aspects of my life wouldn't be easier. I don't imagine that I would have a perfect life if I were thin, but I still cling to the hope that it would be better then it is right now.

And the show "I Lost It!" seems to glorify weight loss in a way that both resonates with me and pisses me off. During the half hour you hear the story and see the pictures of a sad fat person, listen to how and why they changed their eating/exercise habits, watch a lame makeover, and see how their life changed from when they were fat. It's both hopeful and depressing.

Has anyone ever seen the show? What part of your life do you think would be better if you lost weight? What part of your life do you think it would have no effect on?

The World's Fattest Twins

Emily and I recently got manicures together. It was uneventful except that I managed to ruin 7 out of 10 nails over the next few hours...(they just wouldn't dry!). We had the last appointments of the day and we pretty much closed the place down. As I was attempting to dry my nails by the little fan before we were rushed out of the door, the ladies who worked in the salon started chatting us up. And they asked us a question we get all the time: "Are you sisters?" or "Are you twins?".

I can't tell you how often in the course of our friendship we have been asked that. And the reality is that Emily and I look nothing alike! The only things we have in common is we are both 5'7ish and we are both fat. Yep, that's it.

I just find it really annoying that the only thing people seem to see in us is our fat bodies. It's almost like we lose all other form of physical identities, and all that is left is that fat. Because there is no other reason to assume that we are sisters let alone twins.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? If you are fat and you have fat friends, do you feel like your combined fatness takes over so that is all anyone can see?

How She Got Thin!!!!

We don't usually post things like this, but something said, Emily, say what's on your mind...and I will. How Brit Got Thin?? How she lost 26lbs in one month??? Um...well...huh...let me take a wild guess here...SHE HAD A FRIGGIN' BABY!

My new diet will consist of me getting pregnant, having that child, and then presto chango: I'll lose at least 20lbs that week. BRILLIANT US Magazine...BRILLIANT!

Oh, and don't you love the before picture of her pregnant...almost as if they are avoiding the fact that there was a human being living inside of her?

To Praise, Or Not To Praise

I've been on and off Weight Watchers ever since I was 15. It's usually about 1 month on, 3 months off, 1 month on, 3 months off. I can see how I've gained weight all these years. I'll gain 10 and lose it, gain 15 and then lose 10, etc. It's a cycle that I'm used to having done it so many times. And I like Weight Watchers, as I've mentioned here before. I think it's the only way I'll ever lose my weight...if I ever fully commit to it...which this week I am. My meeting leader was named Elaine and I really liked her. A no nonsense Jewish mother whose daughter actually attends her meetings. It's a dynamic I like and I thought she was great.

She actually started her meeting by saying that someone recently told her that she didn't praise weight loss enough. That other meeting leaders would spend the first 10 minutes giving stickers to those who had lost weight that week and could brag about it. I had a leader once that referred to it as bragging stickers. Because we're all still in kindergarten and need stickers to make us feel better.

Even when I lose weight I never raise my hand when asked "who lost weight?". It's embarrassing and I'm not the type of person who needs that sort of validation or a pat on the back. When Elaine told how she didn't believe on spending 10 minutes of a 30 minute meeting on praising those who lost weight, I felt like applauding. Another girl in the meeting spoke up and told Elaine that she liked that she (Elaine) didn't spend much of the meeting praising those who lost weight because it made her feel, if she didn't lose weight that week, that she was a failure. That she was there to learn and evolve and the scale should reflect if she should feel good about herself that week or not. Bravo to that girl.

So, there I sat, thanking Elaine for having the chutzpah to say that your weight loss for that week is just a number and not a reflection of your self worth. I thank you Elaine...thank you for making me want to come back, even if I gain 4 lbs that week because cheeseburgers are just that good.

Fat Cat(Walk)

A controversy that sprung up a couple of weeks ago in Spain caught the attention of both Lindsey and I. Seems as though anorexic looking models trying to make it in the fashion world (of Spain) have been banned from their catwalks. I was sort of shocked...you mean models can be too skinny? Isn't that their job? Aren't they walking hangers? What is too skinny in their eyes? Is it this:

I hope it is, because girl needs to eat a sandwich.

Anyway, and the real point of this post, is to commend Jean Paul Gaultier. I remember being a little kid and loving him because he made cone bras for Madonna and I also remember he had a really weird perfume bottle that I always thought was interesting. But, now, I have a whole new way of loving him and it's because of this:

Girl looks fierce! JPG sent this plus sized model (said to be a size 20...but I have my doubts) down the runway at Paris Fashion Week obviously in some sort of response to the recent controversies over banned skinny models. Awesome.

But, I'm still not sure what the purpose was of this. What was JPG trying to say? Was he saying "look how horrible fat models look and therefore shouldn't be a part of high fashion"? Or, was he sticking it to the man? I hope the latter.

I'm not saying that all models should be fat. Sometimes, I even have to admit that the couture clothes look better on a thin, healthy looking model. Thin, not scary skinny. But, this is a move in the right direction I think, and I applaud Jean Paul Gaultier. Hey, maybe my dream of pageants and catwalks isn't that far off.

First To Finish Is The First To Lose

I remember a time when I was around 8 years old and my friend Natally and I were sitting on the floor of my room playing with Barbies. I also remember each of us had a fruit roll-up that my mother had bought for snacks. We both opened them at the same and I devoured mine as I thought she did as well.

Natally was one of the most skinniest friends I've ever had. Pretty and skinny. She lived across the street from me and we were best friends. And as best friends, especially when you're very young, you compete. Jump rope, hopscotch, even playing Barbies becomes a competition. But, little did I know, eating was also a competition.

After I finished my fruit roll-up I saw Natally look at me, and then take what appeared to be the rest of her fruit roll-up from behind her and start eating it right in front of me. Now, this is as childish as children get. But, playing the "look what I have and you don't" game still goes on today now that we're adults.

I notice that when I'm with a friend eating I still find that I sometimes play the "look what I have and you don't" game. It's not healthy and I know this, but it still happens. I notice this mostly happens with my friend Melissa. Melissa usually comes over once a week to watch Laguna Beach with me because we might be in our mid-twenties, but there's that 16 year old girl deep down inside all of us. We'll go and pick up dinner and come home and watch. And I also notice that Melissa will eat half of her meal and stop eating. Then, like clockwork, as soon as I am done with my food, she'll pick up hers and continue her meal. And, sick as it may seem and even when I'm stuffed to the gills, I'm still jealous. It sucks when someone has something you want...I just can't believe it continues into adulthood, and with eating no less.

Fat Sex

FAT SEX. Two words which some people think should never be combined. But sometimes they are...birds do it, bees do it and even us fatties get down and dirty sometimes.

Ever since that eventful night years ago when I lost my virginity to the Rabbi's son (seriously), I've been a little bit obsessed with fat sex. He was fat, I was fat. Our bodies slapped together in the most horrifying fashion. After dishing the dirt to Lindsey about it we decided to do a little investigation on the topic of Fat Sex. We even found out about something called family assisted sex, for those who are very, morbidly, morbidly obese. Amazing. People actually have to have friends and family come over in order to hold rolls, legs, etc., away so that the man can penetrate the woman. I don't know what happens when a man gets too fat? How does one hold a man's pannus up so that he can be with his girl? But, I digress.

Sex was something that was difficult for me at first because of my body. I was in constant fear he would see my body and be completely grossed out. I would never get on top. I would take my clothes off under the covers. It took me a while to realize a very important thing about fat sex: If a guy is dating you, or has at least taken you out for dinner, he's expecting, well, at least wanting sex. No guy in the history of guys has ever told a woman to get off of him because her thighs are too big. He might not talk to her afterwards, but he is not going to pass up the opportunity for sex because of it.

I remember being so deathly afraid of being on top of a man because he would see my body or that I would crush him, that it took me a long time to muster up the courage to do so. Obviously, laying down makes your fat belly flatter, your tits stand at attention, etc. But, being on top sure makes the guy happier and your boobs actually look nice that way too.

The sounds that are made during sex are not one's that are the most...flattering. The slapping, bumping and groaning all sound sexy in the moment, except when you realize that it's your bellies making those noises...especially when you're starving afterwards and your stomach growls.

The last boyfriend I had lived with his brother. I'd usually go over to his house when my class got out and we would hang and then naturally, get busy. While we were going at it one night, his brother walked in on us and saw me in all my glory. Flab Galore. Body flapping in the wind. Normally, I would have died of embarrassment. It's one thing to let someone you want to see you naked see you, but when a person who you don't want to see you naked does...it's humiliating. But, for reason I didn't care. Maybe because it was at the end of the relationship? I don't know...but that poor boy must have gotten an eyeful...and a very important lesson on how if there is a foreign car in the driveway...KNOCK ON YOUR BROTHER'S DOOR BEFORE BARGING IN!

I think the greatest paradox in my life is how much confidence I have out of my clothes. I know that I do a good job (is that nasty to tell all of you?), and I think that since I know I'll be doing a good job, it doesn't matter what I look like naked. He may even think my rolls and bellies are attractive...but if he dare tries to touch my belly...he's in serious trouble...

Crimson and Clover Over and Over...

The most disturbing thing about having a blog (aside from having a blog...) is that there is documentation of things which are obviously reoccurring themes in my life. For instance this post which I wrote on January 30th is basically the same thing I almost wrote right now.

Pretty much word for word (substituting Yom Kippur for Valentines Day) I am in exactly the same boat now as I was in then.

I like a boy. We have been writing for almost two weeks (which is a long correspondence in the land of fake boyfriends). He wants to meet. I feel the need to "warn" him over and over again that I am fat.

What I really feel like saying to him is, "I'm fat. I may always be this fat. I may get smaller (or bigger). But I am really fucking cool so let's give this a go". But that sounds stupid.

I think what has me so worried is that while I have already told him I am fat, the image of a "fat woman" has so many different conceptions. For some people it means anything over 120 lbs. For others anything over 200 lbs is gigantic. And while I am of the opinion that most men have no idea what women actually weigh, I am universally fat.

And I am worried that he wont want a fat girlfriend. Or he wouldn't want to introduce a fat girlfriend to his friends. Or he would only use me for sex and leave out the relationship part.

And I guess if I get right down to it, I don't feel like I am ever going to find a loving normal relationship at this weight, so I sabotage myself. Past experience tells me I am correct to do so. But if I keep doing it, then nothing will ever change.

I just don't want to settle. I like certain traits in men, and in my mind the chance that one of those men would actually date a fat girl seems to be minuscule. I suppose I have only a few options:
1. Just meet him and hope for the best;
2. Tell him again that I am fat. Really fat and try to get a straight answer out of him about how he feels about that;
3. Stop attempting to date until I have some more confidence in myself.

I want to do option number 2 so badly but it seems insane. I will probably go with option number 1. And option number 3 just confuses me even more.

Am I missing any other options? Thoughts?

Controversy and Pimping

As odd as it seems to us, our blog sometimes gets discussed and dissected in other forums. We love when that happens because we like watching the numbers on our site meter go up! But we do find it peculiar that our blog is sometimes referred to as controversial.

Since when does a blog about fatness have to be about either dieting or fat acceptance? We don't live our lives in either of those realms. Thus, our blog (which is not fake as has hysterically been suggested a number of times!) is about our honest feelings about being fat. What is so controversial about that?

We think most of our loyal readers understand what we write about, but it's sort of funny that new readers don't seem to know what to think!

And so, on a barely related topic...please tell any friends, co-workers, relatives, or sworn enemies to read Fatty McBlog if you think they might enjoy it!

Recent Growth

I hate writing this down because it's just so...FAT...but lately I have been feeling, well, fatter. There is no doubt about it, I have definitely gained some weight recently, though I am too scared to get on the scale to find out how much. I can tell not only from how my clothes are fitting, but because I can actually feel the fatness.

Like I can touch a place that wasn't there before. A new fold, a new stretchmark, a new curve. And I can't stand it. To me there are different levels of fat. I can't quantify these levels, but when I see other fat people, I know where they fall on my internal level of fatness scale. And I have recently gone up a level (or two). I used to be on the upper range of acceptably really fat, and now I am no longer anything that can be considered acceptable.

I sort of just want to hide from the world.

I don't want to go out with my friends tomorrow night. I don't want to fly home and see people I haven't seen in a really long time. I don't want to meet this cute boy who I have been talking to and who wants to take me on a date. I don't want to do anything.

But I think I may have to do something about it really soon. Because I hate the feeling of getting fatter.

Does anyone else relate to the feeling of moving up a level in the range of fatness?

RIP Long and Lean Jeans 2005-2006

I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Most everyone here knows that Gap Long and Leans (which have now been discontinued! See Epilogue), size 20, are a staple in my wardrobe. They fit every inch of my body and even cover my big belly. My only problem with the jeans are the button.

I want to explain this the best way I can: When I'm sitting down for long periods of time, like when I'm at work, my jeans tend to role inward causing the button to harm my abdomen and create a bruise. It hurts. A lot. But, it's not like I can just stop wearing jeans. And, for those of you who say to get a bigger size, yeah, I'm not going to do that. So, what did I do? I came up with my own solution: I've been going into the bathroom at work, unraveling some toilet paper, folding it and stuffing it between my stomach and the jeans. I know...I'm a freaking genius.

These are the only problems I've had or see in the future:
1. The toilet paper isn't made for withstanding long periods of rubbing up against jeans and bellies...so it sometimes balls up and I find pieces of it in my belly button (side note: is my belly button so deep because I am sooooo fat?)

2. What if someone sees it? I don't wear short shirts. Maybe a Top Ten problem I have with being fat is that they don't make shirts long enough and therefore, you see nothing but front butts everywhere. I've remedied this by going out of my way to find shirts long enough and buying them in bulk.

Anyway, that is my plight. Toilet paper stuffed into my jeans like I'm some sort of weird scared crow. Fatty Crow?

Epilogue: Since the idea of this post, my good ol' long and leans have died...gone to jean heaven. Cause of death: Thunder Thigh Rubbage. I've been mourning their death for quite some time. Remedy: I bought a new pair of jeans...but GAP doesn't have traditional long and leans anymore so I had to get these jeans called Curvy. I don't know. I'm skeptical...they messed with my jeans. They messed with my staple. They have something called Long and Lean FLARE...but, trust me when I say, those are not Long and Leans.

Good news is that I think the days of stuffing tissue down my pants are gone. Seems GAP got wise to this and made a thicker waist band. Again, I'm skeptical.

Viva la Tissue!

I'd rather be handcuffed to Saddam Hussein

As a self proclaimed fat and paranoid person I think people are staring and judging me all the time. But I am soon to be in a situation where it is 100% guaranteed that I will be the least popular person in the vicinity...on an airplane.

I am taking a six hour plane ride across the country and I am having so much more anxiety then usual. As a preface, I am a terrible flier. I have been known to sob silently to myself and have actual panic attacks. I can recite the rational facts about air travel and try to calm myself down, but nothing will make me feel better until we are in descent. Because for some reason the most statistically dangerous parts of a plane ride, the takeoff and landing, don't scare me.

But on top of my usual psychosis about flying, I am also dealing with paranoia about being way fatter then the last time I flew. I know whoever sits next to me if going to curse the gods for making me the person next to them and when they get off the plane, they are going to tell whoever picks them up at the airport that they had to sit next to a fatty the whole time. And I can't exactly blame them. I wouldn't want to sit next to me. A hysterical fat girl is not exactly the most awesome person to sit next to for six hours...

As a fat girl, I know that I will be spending the trip trying to make myself seem as small as possible. Being careful not to let any part of my body touch the person next to me. My shoulders will be hunched into themselves. My thigh muscles will be working overtime keeping my legs together. If I don't die in flight I will exit the plane a complete mess with every muscle aching.

But I haven't even addressed my biggest fear - what if I am now too fat for a seat belt??? What if my giant belly is now in the way of buckling up? I have never had to use a seat belt extender before, and I am so scared that this time I may have to. How do you get one? What if everyone hears me? What if the flight attendant is a bitch? Does JetBlue even have them or do I need to bring my own? I know I will never have to see any of those people ever again but I am still totally mortified by the prospect of having to use one. I really hope I am just catastrophising and I don't really need one - but I might!

Have any of you ever used one? What was your experience? How did you ask for one? And doesn't it particularly suck to fly as a fat person and know that everyone on the entire plane is hoping that you don't sit next to them?!?!?

I'm Your Private Eater...

I like to eat in private. I'd rather eat by myself than with people and I prefer not to eat out at all. I know it's all psychological and I know that it's not healthy. But, I'm fat. And as a fat girl, I'm super uncomfortable eating in public. There are so many things you can't do with your food in public. You can't:

--Make a buffet of sauces for you to dip each bite into
--Wear a shirt you don't care about spilling on
--Get things on your face and not care
--Prepare your food the way you want to
--Watch TV

I'm the queen of take-out. I'll pick up food a couple times a week and bring it home. There, I usually lay a large towel on my bed, put on a crappy old tshirt, get out my "eating tray", prepare my sauces, make sure I have a cold drink, find my remote and get down to business.

Sometimes, I wish a therapist could observe this craziness, but then again, it defeats the purpose of loving to eat alone. And on those occasions when I do go out to eat, I'll usually pick at my food, eat about 1/4 of it and then bring the rest home and follow the ritual mentioned above.

I had been at my old job for such a long time that I really got into a comfortable place where I didn't care who saw me eating what. But, that's not the same with my new job, especially since I'm now in a cubicle next to a woman named Beverly.

I love, love, love Beverly. Once, when I was having a bad day I almost asked her for a hug. She's awesome and a motherly figure. And, she always asks me what I'm eating. She must have some sort of bionic ears/nose because she can hear/smell everything. And every time I'm enjoying my lunch, she says something.

"Whatcha eating?"
"That smells good"
"Let me come and see what you're eating"

It's almost too much to handle. And the thing is, I could go eat someplace more secluded, but if I did that would mean I'm taking traditional lunch hours and I would have to stay later at work. (my boss allows me to skip lunch, eat quickly and leave an hour early)

So, I'm going to have to work on this eating out stuff, because:

1. The food here is pretty good
2. It's only Beverly
3. I can't be this crazy anymore.

The Fat Best Friend...And Buffy. Yep, the Vampire Slayer.

"The fat best friend" as a stereotype is alive and well in this country but not on our televisions.

As someone who has filled the role of fat best friend for her whole life, I can tell you from experience it is not just a stereotype, but a reality. When the FBF is best friends with another girl, she fills the role of someone who will always be there because she doesn't have a life of her own, someone to talk about boy problems with because she doesn't have a boyfriend of her own, someone to shop with even though she can't buy clothes from the same store you can, and someone who will always be there because where else is she going to be? When the FBF is best friends with a guy, she fills the role as a de-feminized girl, someone you can talk to like another guy but who somehow magically knows about women. Someone who will be a standby date if nothing else pans out. Someone who you never think about in "that way".

Yeah, I sound bitter. Because I am.

I talked to a friend from college yesterday who I have not spoken to in nearly three years. She had been trying to get ahold of me for months but I just never had the energy to engage her in a conversation. But yesterday I picked up when she called and she told me all about her boy problems and how she has gained so much weight and how all of her friends were either married or in couples and how she blamed her singleness on her recent weight gain. And she never once asked me if I was seeing someone. She just wanted me to commiserate with her weight gain and loneliness. Because that it how she will forever see me. Fat and alone.

I racked my brain trying to come up with examples of the fat best friend on television. I came up with Natalie on the Facts of Life and Carmen on Popular. I am guessing there must be more, but I can't think of any right now. (Maybe you guys can think of some). Because the American public doesn't want to see fat people on Television.

But everyone knows that. "TV fat" is when size 8's are made to seem obese next to the size 2 stars, and that is the representation of fat people we get as a reflection of ourselves on television. But I wouldn't have even bothered to write this post if I hadn't stumbled across a clip on youtube (shown below).

I am outing myself right now as a closeted fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. That's right. I'm a huge Buffy enthusiast. Pun intended. I enjoyed seven years worth of slaying, sarcasm, friendship, apocalypses, and hot vampire sex. But I never knew that Willow, Buffy's best friend was originally supposed to be a fat best friend. Sure, she was only TV fat, but she was fat none the less.

I am totally disappointed with Joss Whedon. I really think he could have kept Willow as a chubby girl and made her character even more complex and interesting. Sure, there was nothing great about the girl in the Pilot, but Joss could have stuck with the concept and shopped around for a different better chunky Willow. And to those of you who are huge Alyson Hannigan fans, I have nothing against her. I just like to watch fat people on TV and Alyson's Willow is as wispy as they come.

I know it's strange that I am simultaneously complaining about how much I hate what the role of fat best friend means while at the same time promoting the idea of having more FBF's on television, but I don't think it has to be a contradiction. Joss could have written chubby Willow to have her own storylines. Her own boyfriends and/or girlfriends. Chubby Willow could have been amazing. But she never had the chance.

Buffy Unaired Pilot Episode:Part 1

For those who care to watch, at the 3 minutes 25 seconds mark, chubby Willow makes her appearance. Poor chubby Willow Rosenberg never had a chance to be the Jewish fat best friend she was meant to be...

For those of you who have never seen any episodes of Buffy, don't be scared away by this. This is the unaired pilot. I suggest renting or buying the seasons on DVD, and getting to know the girl and her friends who saved the world. A lot.

Start a Revolution!

The Craigslist Ad:

Freelance Jeans Designer

Reply to: mp_wear@yahoo.com Date: 2006-09-06, 11:05AM PDT
Newly formed Mark Penn wear is looking for a fresh designer for a small line of mens/women jeans. Please email us for more details.

The Idea:

We think it would be sort of funny and possibly constructive if people who read this blog would email the people who posted the ad. Don't you wish you had a say in what type of fat girl jeans were sold? Now is your chance! Write them an email with what you wish fat girl jeans were like, and post your emails in the comment section for all to read!

Tell Us...

We know why we're fat, but, why are YOU fat?*

* If you're not fat, don't bother telling us.

Emily called me fat when I told her I wanted to write about this...

I have noticed a strange phenomenon. Whenever I see someone on TV or in a movie eating Chinese food it always looks amazing, and yet whenever I eat actual Chinese food I am always totally disgusted and end up throwing most of it out. Chinese food just never satisfies me like it should, and yet I allowed myself to be fooled by Chinese food on TV again and again.

There was one item on the Chinese repertoire that I finally found that never disappointed. It was from a particular restaurant in NYC's Chinatown, and their Bao was absolutely amazing. Bao are Chinese barbecue pork buns which are fluffy white buns filled with a savory mixture of minced Chinese barbecue pork, soy sauce, oyster sauce, scallions and sugar. When I lived in the neighborhood I would get two or three orders and nothing else and the waitress thought I was a crazy white girl (which I guess I am). But much to my great dismay, I recently found out that the restaurant closed! I have had Bao from other places, but I am convinced theirs was the best. So, I am now without Bao, and without any Chinese food options at all!

I am just shocked at how much TV can influence me to order something I know for a fact I don't like. I watched an episode of Nip/Tuck today and there was Chinese in one scene, and I almost ordered it for dinner even though I know full well that I would not actually want to eat it once I got it.

Damn, I really want a Bao right now!

Teeter, No Totter

The only thing worse than being a fat adult is being a fat kid. Especially if you were a fat kid like me and chose to only have ultra skinny friends. (What's with me that I did that? Masochist). Anyway, I was on the phone with Lindsey the other night and reminisced that once upon a time ago, when I was a wee little chubby child, I hopped on a teeter totter/seesaw while at summer camp with my best friend Katy. Katy was, of course, tiny. She was not only skinny but she was short. Needless to say, she was stuck up in the air a long time, with no totter to speak of. If I had gotten on the seesaw too fast, she would have catapulted over tall trees.

Obviously, playing with this contraption with me was not fun for Katy. The whole point of the thing is to go up and down and with my weight being much higher than hers, there was no even distribution of weight to make the seesaw, well, fun. She had a great idea...she invited another girl to sit on her side. Yes, because two skinny kids equaled one of me. (I wonder why I have self esteem issues now?).

While telling the story to Lindsey, I got totally embarrassed about around 11 years too late. I didn't even remember the story until I told Lindsey about it. Being a fat kid is hard.

I wonder how many other stories I have in my head that I have repressed. Does anyone else have any horrible, embarrassing fat kid stories?

Intentionally Fat - DON'Tclick or watch at work!!!

I love love love before and after pictures pertaining to weight loss. I have known this for quite some time. But it took some getting used to for me to be comfortable with before and after pictures pertaining to weight gain. And I am still not exactly comfortable with the entire subculture of gaining and stuffing, but the amazing chronicles of weight gain journeys fascinate me to no end. There is something so perverse and intriguing about watching a person gorge themselves for long periods of time for the purpose of gaining weight. It seems incredibly counter-intuitive to me, but then again, I am still slightly confused that someone would choose to be obese. But these people exists, and I for one am thankful for that because they document their weight gain and give me a chance to be the creepy voyeur I always knew I could be.

The people who are into this subculture seem to be mainly guys who are into really fat girls, gay men into chubby gay men, or the random girl who for whatever reason wants to gain weight.

There are the critics of the subculture who feel that being in a feedee/feeder relationship is based on dominance and submission and that the feedee is really just being manipulated. And of course, most people who have heard about feeders/feedees cite the health concerns surrounding intentional weight gain. But that's not what I am writing about here. Because I have absolutely no interest in the feedee/feeder thing. I just like looking at the pictures of people as their weight progresses.

I don't think this post will appeal to everyone, so if you are offended by images of people getting fat on purpose, I wouldn't read much further. Also, some of these pictures and links are most definitely not safe for work!

I love looking at fat bodies where the person seems proud of his/her rolls and overall girth.

There are way better examples of weight gain progression in photos (you can find them on yahoo groups), rather then on film clips, but I am really trying to see if I can figure this whole putting film clips up on the blog thing.

Am I the only one who finds this whole thing fascinating? Has anyone else heard about this? Do you all think I am creepy for writing about this?

So, without further ado, here are some examples (of me trying to be technologically competent) of some weight gain clips:

Fat Belly Dance

Brooke eating

Jock gets FAT

Wow, I gained 5 pounds in 4 days...

Fatties of the USA Unite! (Oh, and watch Veronica Mars!!!)

It's almost that time of year again ... The Biggest Loser! I was really excited when Emily emailed me with a link to the official site, and perhaps to compensate for the fact that I don't have access to TV, I devoured the entire interactive page. The tagline is, "50 states. 50 contestants. Weighing over 14,000 pounds. But that's all about to change." I read the bio on everyone and studied pictures pretty closely, and I have come to one conclusion: I should have been one of the people who picked the cast because they are a little lite on women. Pun intended.

Now I may be wrong, and all of my info is based on a 2 paragraph bio and a picture from the neck up, but I am vaguely sure that I am fatter then all the women on the show! I also disappointed that the producers of TBL don't read Fatty McBlog, because if they did, they would know that there are women in America who weigh (significantly) more than 250 lbs, and we want to see ourselves on television! Plus, it seems so much more compelling to watch people lose weight when they were really heavy before. Sure, it's possible that some of the women were like last year's Susie and their faces are all little and the weight is all contained below the belt, but from the look of the pics I saw, there is maybe one woman over 270. Maybe. And I find that disappointing. Especially since there are 50 contestants, one from each state...I desperately wanted to see a really really fat chick from somewhere in the deep south. Because I love stereotypes.

My early favorites are Poppi from New Jersey, Tim from Oregon, and Brian from California because I have a soft spot for dads with beards, biker/preachers, and fat comediennes. If and when I get access to TV, I may update my favorites.

But there is a clear winner in the Favorite Foods lists. Most contestants put what you might imagine. There were myriads of Chinese, pizza, burgers, fried stuff, ice cream, etc. Mine would have been sushi with spicy mayo, and anything with sugar. But then Mark from Montana came out with this doozy, "Homemade pasta Alfredo with sauce kneaded into the pasta dough and extra sauce on top, top off the pasta Alfredo with a massive chicken breast stuffed with cashews and garlic, baked and swathed in a honey almond glaze". Wow. Talk about specific. I applaud the detail, and my chest hurts just from reading about it.

All in all I am excited about the new season and disappointed that the women seem so "small" and divided into either women who want to lose their baby weight or women who want to lose weight so they can meet a man and have babies. I'm sure if I get to watch it I will be pleasantly surprised and then as the weeks go one I will get increasingly more bitter and resentful.

Emily and I did seriously consider trying out for this season, but in the end we were too chickenshit to be seen on TV with our real weights. Hmmm, maybe that's why there are no women on it who are our size...

So watch The Biggest Loser.

And, as a side note: Watch Veronica Mars!!!! It is my personal mission to get more people to watch this show so it doesn't get cancelled! My suggestion is to go out and rent or buy seasons 1 and 2 on dvd, get caught up, and then watch it when the season returns October 3rd at 9pm on the new CW network. For real, it's a good show, even if the main character is super tiny.

Marry Me Duff Man

Because Lindsey got to confess her love for Jeremy Piven, and did so with my full support, (because I’d marry that man in a micro-second) I’m going to use our little blog to pimp myself to a man who, without knowing too much about him, I would marry if he simply just sent an email to me asking for me to do so. His name is Duff Goldman, and I call dibs on him.

I encountered Duff a while back when I was watching one of those amazing Food Network Challenges about cakes. I’m always one to pull for Colette usually, because she’s great and I’m a big fan. But this challenge was different because of a new contestant. A one Mr. Duff Goldman. His personality and ability to decorate cakes made me swoon and therefore, I shall use this time to pledge my love for him.

My secret crush on Duff extended into me watching many reruns of the same cake challenge. I think he did two or three of them, not quite sure, but I know I’ve seen them all about 3 times over. Yeah, I’m creepy.

Then, when I found out that he was getting his own show, Ace of Cakes, because there must be a lot of ladies out here who can’t get enough of him, I set my Tivo and waited for his shows to start piling up on my television set. And they did, and I fell into a much deeper crush.

These are the reasons I love Duff so much:

· He’s funny and gives high fives, which I’ve been trying to bring back in style for a while now.
· He can not only bake a mother f’ing cake, he can decorate the crap out of it
· He also cooks
· He uses power tools, and that’s super hot
· He’s Jewish
· He’s got a belly
· He’s got a shaved head
· He doesn’t hire anyone he doesn’t know...all of his employees are his friends.

So, let’s sum this up here: a nice Jewish boy, who can use power tools, bake and decorate a cake and that has a belly. Yeah, quite the panty creamer. I have these crazy daydreams where we’re getting married and he designs our wedding cake and it’s decorated in a theme of a time-line of our relationship together.

I’m just wondering if I will ever find a better match for a fat girl like myself. Can a fat girl find a better match than a chef/baker?? Something tells me I’m not going to marry a cake decorator. And that’s sort of sad for me. But, Duff, if you’re out there and you have a weakness for Jewish fat girls with mildly interesting jobs, who can apply their lip gloss like Molly Ringwald in the Breakfast Club, write to me...you won’t be disappointed.

Even Models Do It

I have issues ordering food while I am by myself. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging my order which is ridiculous because I know in reality only 3/4 of the people around me are staring and judging. But that's beside the point.

About a week ago I conjured up the courage to order a sandwich while I was all alone, thus able to eavesdrop on the conversations going on around me. My ears perked up to a vaguely familiar yet completely unplaceable Southern twang. I looked up and right in front of me in line was last season's America's Next Top Model winner Danielle and ANTM reject Mollie Sue. They both looked sightly prettier and taller than average girls and were both dressed pretty low key. I, of course, recognized them immediately because back when I had TV I was obsessed with ANTM because I can't get enough of the photo shoots (I want to be a photographer).

Danielle was (still) talking about how her agency wants her to fill the gap in her two front teeth. She was literally having the same conversation she always had on the show...it was kind of eerie. My god woman, you are incredibly photogenic and the gap suits you beautifully! Embrace the gap or get veneers already!

But the reason I even bothered to write about this is because as I followed Danielle and Molly Sue back from the sandwich line to the cash register line, Mollie Sue starting to complain that she was gaining weight. To demonstrate her weight gain she lifted her arm and started swatting at an invisible fatty under arm deposit that clearly did not exist. She was like, "Look at this! Can you believe it? I mean, I am older now, but why is this happening to me?".

I really wanted to punch her. I know it's normal and that everyone has issues with parts of their bodies but it was just really hard to hear the "I have such fat arms" complaint coming from a wannabe/almost/maybe model who has no visible fat while I stood behind her sweltering in a sweater over my tank top because I have actual fat hanging from my arms which exists in reality. As I have stated before, I have loads of thin friends who pull the whole, "I am sooooo fat" thing all the time but as I recently found out it's much more annoying and irksome to hear it from a model who you don't know and can't call on her bullshit and tell her to shut up.

Blah blah blah...skinny girls feel pain too. Modeling is a tough business...yadda yadda yadda. But still, for all the models out there who I know look to me for guidance, for the love of my sanity, please stop calling yourselves fat ... we don't pay you to talk. We pay you starve yourselves and give the public a photo-shopped image of an ideal of beauty that can never ever be attained. Even by you apparently.

Don't Believe The Hype!

I finally have the evidence I need to prove that bitch from the third grade wrong...I am not a cow!

In an effort to lose weight I tried the hip new "Scared Shittless by Wolves Diet", and I am sorry to report that it did not work. I spent a week huddled with other fatties in fear of being eaten by the villan of Little Red Riding hood fame in the hope that I would be too scared to eat, but to no avail. In fact, the constant huddling and general lack of movement must have lowered my metabolism, which, combined with the fattening Little Debbie snacks in the suitcase I was huddling with, caused me to actually gain 4 pounds over the week long ordeal.

Though I may not have lost any weight, there is a bright side: I may in fact not be a cow. Plus I wasn't attacked by wolves like some of the unlucky bastards stationed on the perimeter of the fat people huddle.

Fatties + Celebs = My Kind Of Everything

When I was younger, around the age of 10, I was chubby. Not yet a full fledged fatty, but chubby nonetheless. Because my mother did not want me to be so chubby she enrolled me in an expensive program called ShapeDown. (Yes, ShapeDown. I still don't know why it wasn't called ShapeUp because it makes a lot more sense to me to want to ShapeUp rather than to ShapeDown, but I don't make the rules).

Now, don't go ape-shit on my mother. She wasn't one of those mother's who would tell me I'm fat and comment on everything I ate. Yes, there was never anything that wasn't fat free in the house, but my mother has had her own battles with weight, so she gets it. Also, she signed me up at my request and blessing. At 10, I knew I was chubby and I noticed the difference between my skinny friends and me. I've always been aware of my weight.

The program was for both the fat children and our parents. The mothers/fathers would go meet with a counselor to discuss topics as what to put in your child's lunch, how to increase physical activity in your child...things like that. Us children would go meet with a counselor and basically talk about how much we hated being heavy.

The best part for me, and sadly a self-esteem booster, was the amount of children that were there with famous parents. I'm not going to name names, because that would be as bad as to giving you guys a list of people who were at an AA meeting, but trust me when I say, there were quite a few. And they were fat and their parents were movie stars and beautiful and all that jazz.

Needless to say, I really liked going. I loved hearing stories of tortured adolescent kids who were pressured far more than I was to keep up a certain image. And, of all things, I could relate to these kids. It's like one shares an automatic bond with a person that struggles with their weight. There was a bond that could not be broken between us, because we all struggled with the same issues, and that was nice. You couldn't keep me from NOT going to these meetings for they combined my love of famous people and talking about fatness...two loves that remain with me today.

Thinking about how, at that age, I was so eager to go to a place that would weigh me in every week and how NOT eager I am now to go to some sort of regular meetings makes me wonder about my own motivation. And, I have concluded that if famous fat people were at my local Weight Watchers meetings, I would go in a heart beat.

I'd even get there early.

The F Word

Yesterday, after getting gas, I went through an alley that shares the same space as a Jack in the Box Drive-thru and their parking lot. While driving through this alley, I was unable to get to the street because a skinny girl in a sports car was blocking the exit trying to get in line for the JITB drive-thru. But, she couldn’t. A fat woman in an old Volvo wouldn’t let her in...and this pissed the girl off to no end. From what I’m guessing, the woman in the Volvo came after the woman in the sports car and didn’t extend the proper “zipper” courtesy, (one car goes from one side, then lets the other side, then the other side...and so on and so on). But, I guess this fat lady really wanted her burger, because she did not consent to the zipper rule, thus making the skinny girl in the sports car roll her window down and start a yelling match. Being the yenta I am, I turned my radio off and rolled down my window. I wanted to hear what was going to happen, and I’m so glad I did.

The moment I rolled my window down I heard the young, skinny girl call the Volvo lady FAT. Yes. She said it. She used the F word. And how did the fat lady respond? I’ll tell you:

“Did you just call me fat? Bitch, I can suck dick better than anyone in the world can.”

Yeah, I don’t get it either. I don’t know what being fat has to do with sucking dick better than most...maybe because we like to eat??? I don’t know. But, there really isn’t a good comeback when people call you fat. You can’t look at the person and deny it. What do you say?

My friend Beth weighs around 200lbs. She holds it really well though and I wouldn’t mind being stuck with her body for the rest of my life if I had to switch with her. And, here is the thing about Beth: she always gets called fat. It’s odd. Strange even. I’m much bigger than her, but no one ever really calls me fat to my face...behind my back, most likely, but never to my face. But Beth is a target. If she driving and cuts someone off by accident or doesn’t let a person into her lane, the fat bullets come whizzing at her. Once we were at a gas station and these group of girls from Beverly Hills High School were getting gas in front of us, Beth asked them to move their car because they were taking up two spots and we couldn’t get her car in to get gas. Their response? “Fuck you, you fat bitch”. This happens more often than not to her. And Beth really never has a witty comeback, because what are the witty comebacks for being called fat? There are none.

I go out of my way to avoid conflict so that no one will call me fat. I once had to lie to my old bosses wife about his whereabouts, (his demand, not mine), and that led her to yell such profanities at me that she sounded like she had Tourettes Syndrome. But, she never called me fat during her rant, and to this day, I’m still in shock over that. But, what would I have said back?

I have this feeling that the next time someone calls me fat, I’m just going to say something like, “Yeah, I am” or “ What about it?”

Is there any sort of good comeback when someone calls you fat?

The World As I See It

The world is divided by two groups...those who love Ranch dressing, and those who prefer a Vinaigrette. Now, I'm not saying you can't like both, but from what I've seen, those are the two groups and no, one is not better than the other.

I'm going to make a generalization here, and I hope you will correct me if I'm wrong, but fat girls love Ranch dressing. They like it on salad, fries, burgers, chips, veggies, etc. And skinny girls like Vinaigrettes. They like it on lettuce, veggies, fish...yeah, that's it.

So, Fat = Ranch and Skinny = Vinaigrette???

I Will Be Their Rat!

To further my ongoing game plan of trying everything and anything in this battle of the bulge, I will next try to become a lab rat. I will grow ears on my chest and toes on my hands in order to get in on this experiment. (Yes, ears on my chest...but no WLS yet for me!)

I read this article and feel it's letter writing time.

Dear Scientists at the Scripps Research Institute,

I'm Emily. I'm fat. I would not like to be so fat. I'm also not that afraid of needles. I'm also just a short drive down to you. Sign me up.

Love,

Emily
Los Angeles, California

Yes, I want to get vaccinated for obesity. If I could, I would like to wake up tomorrow morning and be thin. Yes, I know it doesn't work like that, but let's pretend.

If you could wake up tomorrow morning and be thin, would you? Because I would. Yeah, it would be scary and none of my clothes would fit, but I'm down for a shopping spree!

IT HAPPENED....FINALLLY

So, it finally happened. Every fat girls worst nightmare. Lindsey and I have joked about this for years. Literally, years. I broke a scale.

Okay, so it's not like I stepped on a scale and the thing couldn't handle my robust weight, but still, it was broken by me and me alone. And July 26, 2006 will forever now be known as "The Day I Broke A Scale".

It was a loverly day here in good old Los Angeles. I woke up in a chipper mood ready to face the glorious day of work ahead of me. I had energy, I felt alive. I felt that it was time to use the free membership to the gym that my company so generously provides me with.

Now, this wasn't my first jaunt into working out. For many years I've joined and un-joined many a gym. I've had my fair share of personal trainers. But, those gyms always had such hard obstacles for me to overcome, such as getting into my car and driving there or leaving work and not going straight home to watch Gilmore Girls that I've tivo'd. But, this gym is at work, so it takes no effort for me to get there...and I like no effort.

So, with a gleeful feeling and hop in my step, I went to the gym, I put my tennis shoes (or sneakers) on, I even bought myself a water. And then, out of the corner of my eye I caught it: The Scale.

This scale wasn't one of the digital scales like I have at home. It was a real, bonafide, doctor's type of scale...you know, the kind that you have to move the weight over to find your well, weight. So, I did just that, sort of pre-setting it because I know what range I'm in. And then it happened, I stepped on the scale.

Now, I'm not so much a clumsy girl. Granted, I once broke my wrist walking UP a flight of stairs, but clumsy, not so much. But, when I placed my foot on the scale I didn't really realize that my entire foot was not on the scale, about 1/4 of my foot was, length wise, and this caused the base of the scale to sort of, to put it mildly, pop off and cause a weird noise to occur. The scale was broken.

Let's get this straight: My weight was not the cause of the breakage of the scale. Foot placement...or so I tell myself...is to blame.

Two days later I had a gym orientation with a trainer who, while giving me a tour of all the gym amenities, mentioned to me that the scale was, in fact, broken...but she wasn't quite sure how it happened.

Pumped to the Gorge

I love a good trash magazine. My mother actually gets Star and The Enquirer because someone gave it to her as a present, so I get to read those when she's done. Anyone who has ever read these magazines knows they love to dish about celebrities bodies. Who is winning the war on fat? Who is losing? Their diet secrets. Their diet woes. I loves it. But, what I don't love are most of the celebrity bodies that are plastered all over these rag mags. They're, to put it mildly, sticks. I hate sticks. I hate no hips. I hate no bust. I hate tooth pick legs. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Which leads me to this: I actually like my body shape. If I dropped a quick 100 lbs, I'd have a really awesome body shape. Right now, I still have an awesome body shape...it's just pumped to the gorge. If I were thin, I'd still have curves, I'd have really nice legs and hopefully, my boobs would stay as plump as they are. And thinking about that led me to be grateful about my body, because as I see everyday, I could have a body I wasn't so thrilled with, with all the extra fat layered on top.

We all know women have different body types: Pear shaped, Apple Bottom, Upside Down Triangle, etc. The possibilities are endless. It's quite interesting if you look closely. Women with stick legs and huge bellies. Women with small tops and large bottoms. Huge thighs and skinny calves. It makes me wonder.

What type of fat are you? Skinny fat? Fat fat? Pear Fat? Perfect fat? Triangle Fat? Would you rather have a huge ass and a small waist? Trade in good legs for arms you could actually wear a tank top with? Do share!

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I Got Love in My Tummy

The thing I miss miss most since opting to cut off my cable is my access to The Food Network. I love the Food Network. It's so loyal and reliable. Sort of like a golden retriever. Only yummier.

And I guess that's really fat of me. But I have noticed that there is a direct correlation between how much I eat and how much Food Network I watch. During my last attempt at Weigh Watchers I could not stop watching the channel. I watched any and all shows even the ones I hate like Emeril. I think I may have even watched shows hosted by Sandra Lee and Giada De Laurentiis, two women I normally avoid with a passion! But while dieting I will watch anything to do with food. It's like I am simultaneously torturing and satisfying myself. When I stopped going to my WW meeting I didn't watch the Food Network for a month. I think I OD'd.

Normally I prefer the educational and travel shows to the actual cooking shows. Some of my favorites are A Cooks Tour, $40 A Day, and Good Eats. Sadly, A Cooks Tour is only on like once a week. And I used to hate Good Eats and refuse to watch it, but I have since seen the error of my ways. And $40 A Day is the only Rachael Ray show I can stand to watch. Probably because it's the only one in which she doesn't actually cook on. I know she is America's newest sweetheart and Oprah loves her cooking, but I once watched the woman cook something called a Mug Topper which is one of the most unappetizing thing I have even seen . It was basically spam mashed up with yellow mustard on an english muffin and floated on some soup. Maybe it's that I grew up in a ham free home, or maybe you just had to see how it turned out, but it was pure grossness. Emily and I use the term "mug topper" to refer to anyone we don't like or sometimes as an alternative to muffin top.

But I also have much love for my surrogate godmother and fake grandma Ina Garten and Paula Dean. These two women seem so inviting. Ina is really warm and cuddly and she seems like she has the most comfortable life. She lives in a pretty home in the Hamptons and has an awesome garden and has a line of credit in every store she goes into so it seems like she gets all of her ingredients for free. Personally I find her marriage to Jeffrey suspect, but Emily swears they are still in love. Emily has said, in a morbid fashion, that if she ever had a terminal illness and the Make a Wish Foundation asked what she wanted as her last, dying wish, she'd take a weekend with Ina. And Paula Dean seems like she would really usher you into her home and offer you butter muffins and a side of butter sprinkled with love and maybe some hot butter in a mug to drink by the fire. I am not even into that type of heavy southern food, but I love her all the same.

My favorite part about the Food Network is that they have programming that runs until 5 am which is a godsend for an insomniac like myself. The shows they play at that hour are pretty random and I miss some of he old ones that are out of rotation like Mings Quest.

I used to change the channel sometimes when my old flatmates came into my room, like they would suddenly realize I was fat if they saw me watching a cooking show. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way about the Food Network or if it's just indicative of my dysfunctional relationship with food.

And now for a rundown:

The Secret Life of...is a show that I should like more. I enjoy your premise, why are you such an over-actor? It's really had to watch you sometimes. You are like an adult with ADHD who is also pretending to be straight all while you fake orgasms over BBQ. And now you're on those Internet commercials. (C+)

Oh Sandra Lee. My favorite part about you is how you co-ordinate your wardrobe for the day with the colours in your kitchen. You change all your kitchen accessories to match your nails, headband and tight shirt. Oh, and you have great tits. But you always make the same drink and the same dessert? (C)

I love you Paula!!! Sometimes when I have a cold I wish I could call you up and have you take care of me with some chicken soup and southern charm. I bet you would do that for me! (A+)
You should be a favorite. I have a softspot for chunky red heads. But I am just not into Italian. (B)
Alton, you teach me things everyday! You are totally entertaining and I am sorry I shunned you for so long! You are one of my favorites! (A-)
I wish I had this job. (B+)

I love how you charm the older ladies while you teach them how to make sushi or a proper souffle. I could really use your help. Maybe you could come over some night next week? (B)

Ah, the patriarch. You might have the most notoriety, but shit man, get some new jokes! Sometimes I even like what you make but I have to watch on mute because you are so irritating and full of yourself. Bam! (C+)
So serene. So content. So pampered. Someday Ina, I will be like you. (A)The badboy. You were too surly for this channel, but I love you anyways. There is no way anyone else would eat a still beating snakes heart on television. Unless it was on like Survivor of Fear Factor. I love your new show on the Travel Channel, No Reservations. You are also really hot for an old guy! (A-)

I disagree with almost everything you order with your $40 a day, but I still love this show! Stay out of the kitchen, and I'll watch any city you take me to as we pretend that spending only $40 a day on food is a hard thing to do. (A-)
I love the garbage bowl idea. It's the food I hate. Stick with traveling and giggling. And for gods sake if you are going to abbreviate and say EVOO, why do you always have to say extra virgin olive oil after that? Doesn't that detract from the point of abbreviating?? (C)

Happy Anniversary to us!!!

Well, it's been a whole year since we started to write about our fat lives. A year ago today I was living in a gross apartment in Chinatown sweating my ass off with no air conditioner and a bipolar flatmate who went off her meds. Now I am living in an awesome apartment which I may be giving up soon and I think I am having a quarter life crisis. And Emily ... well, Emily is still living in the lap of luxury in Los Angeles (but she has a new job!). And I am sure we have both gained a few pounds. What a difference a year makes! Thanks to everyone who reads our musings. Now go eat some cake.

"Cake light is like, the best light. We should live in nothing but cake light." - Claire from Six Feet Under

Poor Princess Jasmine

Many of you know that I recently quit my job in order to take another one at a very prestigious institution. I used to work with 6 other men, ages ranging from early 30s to mid 50s. I got that job because I used to work for the president's wife while I was still in school. She was, to put it mildly, a raging bitch. I've read The Devil Wears Prada...I had stories that rivaled even those. So, when the program that we ran ended, she suggested that I go work for her husband, a spineless yet mostly harmless guy who arguably doesn't deserve to be married to such a psychotic bitch. I'm not being out of line when I say that...she's a self admitted psychotic bitch.

I worked for her husband for 3 years, but I needed more. The money was good and the atmosphere was great, but it didn't challenge me and there was little room to move up. So, I sent a resume to a job I thought I would never get, and actually was offered the position. Three weeks later I left and a new girl, Jasmine (but I like to call her Yasmine), was hired to take my place.

Yasmine was hired because she wanted to actually get into the business my old company does. She thought she could do my job while also learning the trade. She also thought she could wear see-through clothes and tight jeans that would expose her thong. "Everything but the nipples" is what I heard through the grape vine.

I still keep in touch with the boys at the old office, often emailing to see what the gossip is for that week. I also got to meet Yasmine when I went in to train her on one of my many, paid days that I don't have to work. She was nice, if not a little naive about her roll in the office. If anyone knows anything at that office it's this: My old boss may be the CEO and President of the company, but his wife, the PB (psychotic bitch), was the God of it. What she said, went. What she wants, goes. Did I also mention that she thinks her husband is forever going to have an affair? (He never has).

Emails from me to my old co-workers would often joke about the fact that when the PB, who had never met Yasmine, found out what she wore to the office, she would be fired in an instant. The office pool had a three hour termination time after she had met her. We were convinced that even if she just heard about this girl, sparks would fly. We knew she wouldn't last 3 weeks there...and she didn't.

Yesterday I got word that she was, indeed, let go at the request of the PB after many fights heard through my old bosses closed office doors. We all knew it was going to happen, but this poor girl Yasmine never saw it coming. Not only was I offered my old job back, but I was offered a considerable raise. No, I'm not going back.

The whole thing got me thinking though. Am I so safe? Three years ago, did the PB see me as such a non-threat that she placed me in that office knowing that she could rest comfortably knowing her husband wouldn't have an affair with me? I guess so. And, I guess Yasmine was too much of a threat.

I feel bad for Yasmine. She quit a comparably paying job with better benefits to work there and got fired three weeks later for wearing revealing clothes or for making the PB worry that her husband was going to engage in an illicit office affair. I'm not a huge fan of Yasmine's but it does seem like she got fired because she had a nice body and liked to show it off. They could have asked her dress down a bit.

And the worst part is how everyone acknowledges it, and then suggests that I take my old job back. It's basically like, "Emily, can you believe Yasmine got fired for being attractive? We never had to worry about that with you, why don't you come back to us"? I mean, how rude is that? And it's not like I'm ugly...just fat. Plus, to be perfectly honest, PB has no idea how life works if she thinks that the boys in the office didn't want to fuck me just because I am fat. I had more than a few offers and daily innuendos.

It's the only time I can remember that being overweight was actually mildly helpful while poor Princess Jasmine's perfect body got her a pink slip.

I double hot dog dare you...

I have stayed out of this debate because I enjoy hearing different perspectives ... even if most of them are written by cruel stupid misogynists. (Plus you guys have upped our daily readership by 300 people an hour, and I am a site meter whore, so it was fun having you).

However, if you are going to come onto this blog and talk shit: YOU HAVE TO READ OUR POSTS AND GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU BASH US!!!!

This is just fucking inaccurate (and fairly representative of the Tucker Max people's opinions):

Anonymous said... "All the fat people that have been posting are missing the point. The TMMB people are not pissed at you because you are fat. They (at least the majority), as well as myself, are mainly disgusted with the misinformation propagated so wholeheartedly by this website. Everyone deserves respect, fat people included. HOWEVER, it is a very well known and obvious fact that being fact is a health risk (which is why fat people are naturally more unattractive...evolutionary instincts within us all). A fat person that wants to lose weight might instead come to a site like this loaded with feel-goodisms for fatties and links to old/quack studies about losing weight being impossible.IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. To the creators of this site, I dare you this. Since your mainfesto has come under a barrage of attacks (justified ones too -- evidenced because your fat supporters have been the ones resorting to the childish and inane arguments), take on a challenge to prove it. For a month, eat and exercise properly, and see how your "genetics" arguments fall apart. Any trainer (there are some extremely good ones on the TMMB) or decent nutrition website can guide you. Then post your results here for your entire fat community to see. "

Now, if you had bothered to read any of our hundreds of posts you would find that we do not engage in the propagation of misinformation. (I invite you to refute me with something we actually wrote, as opposed to our commenters).

We acknowledge that we would lose weight if we exercised more and ate less. Personally, I think that is true for most fat people. I also think it's true that most people end up gaining the weight back. I don't think we have ever even mentioned genetics.

No. We do not like being fat. And when we motivate ourselves, we will know what to do to lose weight. But if and when I lose weight had nothing to do with you, and you shouldn't feel morally superior to me because you are thin (and statistically, I'm sure a bunch of you are closeted fatties hidden by your computer screen and an avatar of a bodybuilder).

Some people who regularly comment here feel differently, but that's what a comment section is for: leaving your opinion.

The people on Tucker Max may all feel like they have to espouse Tuckerisms to be accepted into his online society, but he most likely thinks many of you are idiots and laughs that he can make money because you subscribe to his blatantly offensive way of life.

So, keep hating fatties if you want. I couldn't care less. But don't misrepresent us or make assumptions because you can't make your point without changing facts around or you couldn't be bothered to read a whole post...that's called lying and even Tucker doesn't like that.